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Can you get closure?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
MrSpock
Posts: 1027
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Age: 53
Argentina

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MrSpock »

LOL, I just read your post, and it is as if I were looking into a parallel branch of time into my future.

Read my "Dilema" post and you'll see why. In that post I mentioned that I will enter a form of "in-place NC", so to speak, but I really worried she'll get really hurt if it were the case the she has feelings for me. The purpose of the post was to avoid finding myself in a place similar to were you are now.
We have the age gap, my being married, and we also have an unusual sort of relationship.
MetsFan
Posts: 148
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan »

Ha ha MrSpock! Well I think I’m where I’m at now because the momentum I had behind NC has run out. My feelings/ego were hurt by her actions, my SO was demanding an end to it and LO was leaving my work so it all felt like the signs were pointing towards NC. Her feelings fell way down the list because I needed to look after my SO and my own mental health so I just ended things abruptly.

Fast forward 3 months, things are better with SO, my LE has lessened but not gone, the anger/hurt I had has morphed into understanding and people have given me bits of info that made me feel sympathetic to her. She looked up to me (her words) and we were very close. I feel like I have a responsibility to explain myself so she can get closure herself. But, then again maybe I’m projecting....
CrushedSO
Posts: 345
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
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Isle of Man

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by CrushedSO »

Closure. That word brings up so much for me.

I didn’t get any. I had a messy affair in 2013 and that blew up, and I ghosted her. In June of 2018 I emailed her. Long out of the fog and having come clean to SO, we were both reading and posting here a lot. I’ve seen a lot of women come and go on this forum and many felt their LO was a narc who was using them, and I felt the same way about my LO. I also realized that maybe LO felt the same about me. Don’t we all feel like victims of our LO at some point?

I sent her an email. I apologized for hurting her and basically let her know that she was not a play thing for me, and the whole mess was life or death for me, and that I was not equipped at the time to function as an adult. I also wished her well in life and meant it. I also said I would hear her out and answer any questions she had, and that it was not an attempt to re-enter her life and that I had my SO’s blessings to send this. I also stated that I did not want to remain in contact with her or try to sabotage any relationship she was in. I just really wanted to say sorry to that poor soul.

I never did receive a reply. A part of me wonders if she received the email. Another part wonders if she is so indifferent that she doesn’t care at all. Or if it stirred up a lot for her and she didn’t reply out of spite, a final “Fuck you Crushed!” In the end it doesn’t matter. I will never know. No response is a response.

IMHO there is no closure when limerence is involved. It just adds more questions. If I’m honest with myself there isn’t a single response (including no response) that doesn’t bring up pain of some sort.

And while I’m being honest with myself, my original intent was closure and to apologize, there was also that part of me that wanted to hear “yes I’m sorry too, what a shitty year, yes I was as crazy about you too”. So while there was a lot of empathy and authenticity in writing it, no response also showed me that I did still want to have my feelings validated.

L_F has said many times that there is gold in not knowing. I haven’t found it yet.
Endgame
Posts: 250
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:09 am

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Endgame »

marko wrote: Tue Mar 12, 2019 12:03 am Both, LE or not we want to heal things. LE is also clever as well and makes wanting to do so feel very important. The act would elicit another response that you would take you one way or the other, and then you'd wonder more and so on. This only closes when in time you wonder why you ever came to this place.
This! and
IMHO there is no closure when limerence is involved. It just adds more questions. If I’m honest with myself there isn’t a single response (including no response) that doesn’t bring up pain of some sort.
So much truth on this thread.

It's always that question of when to leave it be, when to stop...what point is closure and what point is actually the opposite in disguise?

Yes, not knowing is golden. But genuine not knowing requires you to a) never have known in the first place b) have a full frontal lobotomy. Without that, it's all about deciding whether it's easier to sit with the urge to keep a lifeline open, or to burn the bridge completely.

Which provides most peace? And the difficulty is that the answer given today could feel very different tomorrow, but once that door is sealed shut you can't go back.

Maybe it depends on the stakes. If there's nothing to lose and nobody to hurt in the process, maybe it's always better to get it all out than keep it bottled inside - if the outcome is the same either way. If doing so could damage anybody, there's a clear responsibility not to. But even that's easier said than done.
MetsFan
Posts: 148
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan »

Endgame wrote: Thu Mar 14, 2019 1:35 pm Maybe it depends on the stakes. If there's nothing to lose and nobody to hurt in the process, maybe it's always better to get it all out than keep it bottled inside - if the outcome is the same either way. If doing so could damage anybody, there's a clear responsibility not to. But even that's easier said than done.
And that is really the answer. My SO has specifically asked me to cut LO out of my life, and I have to respect that despite so much of me wanting to do the opposite.

I was told by her friend earlier today that LO wants to get in touch with me but she thinks it’s been too long to say sorry. My response (in the moment) was that if she contacted me I’d talk to her, but there’s no way we can go to back to the way we were. I feel like that was the right thing to say.
MetsFan
Posts: 148
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan »

So I broke 3m of NC.... :(

I sent LO a text congratulating her on some work success. It was light, caring and I referenced the NC but didn’t make a big deal about it. I wanted to stop wondering about her and provoke a response I guess. It worked...

She replied thanking me but then had a go at me for what I said when we “broke up”, calling me unprofessional, minimalising our relationship to “friends” and saying that nothing could ever have happened between us. Ouch.

I’ve replied listing all the things we did that in my opinion went beyond being friends and explained in more detail why I was hurt by her actions. She’s not replied yet, and I’m not sure she will. I can’t sleep because my mind is going round 100mph, but I think this will prove a useful exercise.

Whether the feelings I think she had, that she told others she had, were real or not, she’s certainly suppressing them and that’s a big sign for me. If she has feelings she doesn’t want them, that’s clear. We’re very different people in very different stages in life and realistically there’s no role for either of us in each others. Hopefully this will snub out any lingering thoughts I had that there could be something here.
NoDayDreaming

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by NoDayDreaming »

MetsFan wrote: Tue Mar 19, 2019 8:19 am She replied thanking me but then had a go at me for what I said when we “broke up”, calling me unprofessional, minimalising our relationship to “friends” and saying that nothing could ever have happened between us. Ouch.
what did you tell her when you "broke up?"

regardless, you got your big time rejection alright and time to accept there will never ever be a romantic relationship between you.
if you had any illusion about it, it was just your limerence. don't fool yourself, that she is hiding anything, it's your limerance that is trying to keep some hope. you have to get rid of that hope to cure limerence.
MetsFan
Posts: 148
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan »

daydreamer wrote: Tue Mar 19, 2019 3:15 pm
MetsFan wrote: Tue Mar 19, 2019 8:19 am She replied thanking me but then had a go at me for what I said when we “broke up”, calling me unprofessional, minimalising our relationship to “friends” and saying that nothing could ever have happened between us. Ouch.
what did you tell her when you "broke up?"

regardless, you got your big time rejection alright and time to accept there will never ever be a romantic relationship between you.
if you had any illusion about it, it was just your limerence. don't fool yourself, that she is hiding anything, it's your limerance that is trying to keep some hope. you have to get rid of that hope to cure limerence.
As you say this is the big time rejection. I personally think she’s holding stuff back, I have 2 years of actions, comments, texts that suggest she had feelings, most people that know us think so, and her friend told me she did. But none of that matters now, she’s told me flat out she doesn’t want me and so I need to use that rejection for the closure I was seeking here.
NoDayDreaming

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by NoDayDreaming »

MetsFan wrote: Tue Mar 19, 2019 4:01 pm I personally think she’s holding stuff back, I have 2 years of actions, comments, texts that suggest she had feelings, most people that know us think so, and her friend told me she did. But none of that matters now, she’s told me flat out she doesn’t want me and so I need to use that rejection for the closure I was seeking here.
i have 1 year worth of saved emails that also suggested she had feelings, but in retrospect, when the LE was over, it was clear that she flirted with me to reel me in so she could use me for her needs. under LE, I could not see that emotionally even though i suspected rationally.

you should consider yourself fortunate, that closure should heal you. a lot of people with limerence can't get that and suffer.

when you cure yourself from LE, you can always reach back, and be just friends with her.
Helpmeplease
Posts: 670
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease »

Hey metsfan I guess that answers the want about writing a letter!
In some sense I am sorry you got a rejection but I also think it will be good for you to have that closure and move on. I totally understand about your comment on 'two years of ... evidence...' and that is hard to let go on what exactly was the meaning and intent behind that but as DD says it may just be flirting and reeling you in, but in any event it doesn't matter. You have a way out. That is priceless.

You have already coped with 3m of NC so have some insight in how to do this and what impact it can have on you. Seems that in this time period you came to the conclusion you want a neater end (you have got some of this) and realised you two would not work and she has said no to you. That is a lot!(I would pay for that!!)
All this is sure to have exhausted you and also not sleeping.. that's bad for your mental health so make sure you get some sleep and do things for you as well as your family.
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