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The end finally

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
ariadne

The end finally

Post by ariadne »

I've been lurking in this thread for some years. But I feel that I have to write this now.

He ghosted me again. Part of me wanted to think that we could be friends.That we could meet up and talk about life after not seeing each other for about 1,5 years. We live in different countries now. He happened to be at the same city as me and I suggested to meet up today. He wrote that he would get back to me, but did not answer my message at all today. I should have seen this coming, as I regretted the second I wrote to him and even got sick physically, but I couldn't resist my impulses as I had been dreaming about sending him the text. So I think it's the end of it all.

THE VERY LONG STORY:

I've turned 25 recently. We met when I was 17 on a stormy summer evening. I knew the moment he approached me, that I would fall head over heels for him. We spent the night together and in the morning I told him, I wish I could stop time now because everything is perfect now.

The year after I insisted having contact with him, even though I knew he was not interested in a relationship and he couldn't say that we would meet up in real life. He said we could still be friends. We had many Facebook conversations. Sometimes he even referred subjects we talked about in his facebook statuses. I spent many hours dreaming about meeting him and what we would talk about. I was sometimes frustrated, desperate for approval from him. I didn't understand that was limerence.

One year later we started at the same university in the same city. There were a few times when he initiated contact, one night he even called me but I had missed his call as I was sleeping. But we never decided to meet up. The times we met was through other events and we talked, but I knew that I didn't want to spent my first university year being madly unrequited in love. So I kissed other boys to forget about him and one of them I really liked, we became a couple and he is still now my SO.

The dynamics changed, as I got in a relationship. I remember feeling uncomfortable from LO staring at me and acting really weird when we met during the second university year. We were occasionally at same places through out the third year, but it was when I got acquainted with some of his friends that I saw him more often. We would have casual conversations. He got a girlfriend then. But it was the fourth and the fifth university year things became weird again, when he broke up with his girlfriend. He would be either super excited to talk to me or just totally ignore me.

One night we had the talk about that time when I was madly infatuated, I initiated it because I guess I wanted closure at last. He said that he was sorry for the hurt and he had been thinking about me. He hoped that I would still think of him as a nice person and wanted to stay friends. He moved abroad, I moved to another city, but we still have each other on social media. He occasionally likes my photos on Instagram.

TDLR: Met a guy when I was 17, got head over heels infatuated. Had some contact with him while being in a relationship. Still feels the high and lows years afterwards. We remained friends but not that close friends. Today he ghosted me.
Tremington
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:20 am
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
Age: 51
United States of America

Re: The end finally

Post by Tremington »

He gave you a gift, run with it and don't look back. Find a new man that can be available to you.
ReeledIn
Posts: 671
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
Age: 53
United States of America

Re: The end finally

Post by ReeledIn »

I can only say that I wish I could be in your position rather than exposed to my (ex)LO every day. It really IS a gift.

I would disconnect from him in any way possible. Go full no contact, which includes blocking him on all social media so that you are not tempted to social stalk.

Enjoy the freedom from limerence you will gradually begin to feel after this initial painful period.

Your life will be so much better without LO occupying so many of your thoughts. Get some therapy and when you are ready for a new relationship, find someone who treats you as well as you treat them. Find a real friend..someone who wants to be with you. The world is your oyster!
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: The end finally

Post by JupiterTaco »

I agree. It hurts right now, but it's good you found out how he was without getting too involved with him.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
ariadne

Re: The end finally

Post by ariadne »

Thank you for the encouraging words. In the end, I think I met him at a very vulnerable stage of life and it exaggerated into limerence. He was a mirror of my approval seeking behaviour from others and was kind of self-inflicted. I actually feel more comfortable in my own skin now and also have loving boyfriend.

I guess that it's difficult to accept some people are not as keen in you as them, which also applies to friends I have had but now drifted away.
limerent

Re: The end finally

Post by limerent »

Maybe I'm dense, but I fail to see what the gift is.
Tremington
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:20 am
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
Age: 51
United States of America

Re: The end finally

Post by Tremington »

An opportunity to go full NC. Ever try to " arrange" it? Doesn't go so well when you really don't want to.
limerent

Re: The end finally

Post by limerent »

I see it now. I thought it was about the first love.
ariadne

Re: The end finally

Post by ariadne »

I haven't thought about LO in a long time, since we both live far away with the entire Atlantic Ocean between us.
But something in me died today. I saw that LO got married yesterday on my instagram feed!!!

It made me question my own decisions. Like should I also get married with my SO? We've been together almost 8 years but marriage feels far away. I'm not ready to settle down yet. I haven't figured out where I want to live. I don't even know where I'll be in the next 6 months.

It's just a weird feeling. I always thought I'd be the one to get married before LO.
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: The end finally

Post by Cookie »

ariadne wrote: Wed Jul 01, 2020 12:03 pm I haven't thought about LO in a long time, since we both live far away with the entire Atlantic Ocean between us.
But something in me died today. I saw that LO got married yesterday on my instagram feed!!!

It made me question my own decisions. Like should I also get married with my SO? We've been together almost 8 years but marriage feels far away. I'm not ready to settle down yet. I haven't figured out where I want to live. I don't even know where I'll be in the next 6 months.

It's just a weird feeling. I always thought I'd be the one to get married before LO.
Hi Ariadne,

You've done well to stay away.

It's weird how we start to attach our own lives and compare them to our LOs. I've done that too, especially with this last LO, and I've had to really fight that feeling of my actions being somehow linked to his.

You will decide when it's right to get married, and it has nothing to do with your distant LO. Maybe it's a chance to think about your future with SO though, IDK.

I felt very competitive with this last LO, and I know it was the same for him because when I'd tell him what I was doing, he would immediately say that he had planned to do the same or had already done it. Just so unhealthy and unsupportive really. That is not a friend.

I hope you will give this one up to the Universe. Give him your blessing for happiness from afar, and let him go like a dove in the air.
Person
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