What to do?

[Stephen]

I don't think it's a question of unreasonable. I think you are just being afraid. maybe you need the time to feel less afraid, and this makes you feel somehow in control of a situation that has spiraled all out of your control....but... delay will trigger her anxiety as well.

I think Lisa got it right on. I am afraid to sign those papers, it's irrational I know, but I don't feel ready. I've been asking everyone I know what they think makes more sense and it's been 50/50. I understand the reasoning for both, I really don't gain anything by waiting and there is no chance of anything changing. The relationship is dead, she killed it and it's not coming back. Waiting may give me the time I need to be less afraid especially if she leaves me alone for a little while, but then again it may not. I don't really feel waiting is going prolong my pain unless she keeps harassing me to sign which she probably will. The last time I spoke with her she asked me what I benefit by waiting. I replied that I don't, but I also don't lose anything because to me there is no urgency.

Another strange thing I'm afraid of that doesn't make any sense is that once I sign those papers she may disappear completely from my life. That may be the best thing especially in the short term, but she's been by my side for the last seven years through everything and it scares me to think of not having her there. It makes no sense I know...

Today I started moving into my new apartment and it's such a strange feeling doing it alone. It's not as meaningful or exciting, I feel indifferent about the whole thing. It's nothing like it was when we were building our place together.

[LisaTranscending]

Another strange thing I'm afraid of that doesn't make any sense is that once I sign those papers she may disappear completely from my life. That may be the best thing especially in the short term, but she's been by my side for the last seven years through everything and it scares me to think of not having her there. It makes no sense I know.

Stephen, my heart totally goes out to you. It makes perfect sense, because we human beings don't deal the best with change. sometimes we will stay in a terrible situation just to avoid change. this change has been forced on you. in a sense, I think all change is forced on us somehow or other.
it's just going to take time (a lot of time even) to feel normal again. at least a good year, Stephen. that's a very long time that you will feel lost, scared and alone. I tell you, my best advice, and this may seem crazy, but it totally saved my life, was yoga. yin yoga in particular. it's a very meditative form of it, not a lot of jumping around, but holding poses for long periods of time. I would literally cry in the poses. that went on for a good three months. and finally I started to heal. not saying I didn't lay in my cold empty room at night feeling afraid or sad, because I did. but that yoga really saved my life. if you don't like yoga, definitely find a meditation group and sit with them just to watch your breath. focusing on your inner life now is the best way to fill the void of losing another person who meant the world to you. even though I was the person to break my relationship, I felt very afraid. my ex husband was my world for decades. it was a massive loss. it felt like I lost a limb. when I separated I secretly wanted him to come by my apartment and declare himself a new man. I would get tipsy at night, be alone in my apartment, and literally watch the front door, thinking, why can't he just walk in that door and be that man. that door never opened.
I had to find another door. and it wasn't about him anyway. it was about me getting in touch with my inner world. and it's still not a perfect inner world life, I sometimes fall into moods that aren't reflective of my goals, but that's okay too. just be patient with yourself. I think you have a great chance to reinvent yourself here and now, because you are able to express yourself in open and expressive ways.

Today I started moving into my new apartment and it's such a strange feeling doing it alone. It's not as meaningful or exciting, I feel indifferent about the whole thing. It's nothing like it was when we were building our place together.

This is so very sad. This is the sadness that you have to meet head on. this is that sadness there is just no getting around. but...it won't destroy you if you make a solemn vow to yourself to be a stronger person. make that vow as many times as you can in a day and listen to positive affirmations on youtube. those were things that really did help me when I was feeling very afraid and lost.

Stephen....you can do this. you will make it through. if I can do it, you can.

[Anna]

Stephen, I am also a forum member who went through a divorce in the past 2 years as a result of an LE situation on my part. The separation was triggered by me and I know I hurt my ex-husband by this move. In our case however , it wasn't quite so unpredictable for him. We had already talked about our incompatibility previously for a while . So he 'recovered' relatively quickly, at least he seems that way.
We had a talk on the phone a few weeks ago and we were reflecting about which aspects of our relationship both of us are missing now. We agreed that it had to happen and we are very much at ease with the decision now. I am proud of the fact that we were able to have solved this amicably and still can talk.
At the moment this doesn't seem to be the case for you, and I am very sorry about it and feel the pain that you are going through.

I have been on my own for more than a year now and some times I do think back about the good times and the loss of what I thought was my safe world. But it usually blows over. I get a little melancholic but then I look at the reasons why the relationship didn't work and that helps to get through these moments.
I realize that you are only at the beginning of this and that it is much harder as the partner who was faced with a decision or change of life without seemingly knowing why.
I think that in time, as you are starting to work on yourself and try to get more clarity about your own motifs and feelings, you might get to the point where you comprehend why things didn't work out and you can find peace with her and with yourself. Good Luck!

[LisaTranscending]

Hi Anna. good to see you around here.
hard to believe that LE led us to change our lives so dramatically....but we did it. wow. ironically, i too have kept friendly with ex.
so, not just in the movies, but in real life, it's possible. (almost feel like saying, "don't try this at home.") but all is possible. the flip side, are the couples who are still fighting, years and years and years after their divorces.

[Rebecca]

A ted talk: How to fix a broken heart.

[Stephen]

Thank you for sharing the video. I looked him up and watched more videos and interviews.

I had one of the worst texting fights with my wife last week. I tried several times to call her instead because I felt the texting was making matters worse, but she refused to take my call. I have since decided I am not going to text with her anymore. I asked her to call me if she has something important to say/ask/talk about. I told her things are too emotionally charged between us to be texting or emailing and I didn't want a repeat of that fight. She didn't like my request and tried to start another fight, but I ignored her texts and emails. She still hasn't called me so I assume it's not that important to her. I know she wants me to sign the papers, but again, I reminded her that I am not ready yet and that I would let her know when I am.

I really feel like her approach to everything is making it worse for me. This mean, aggressive, demanding approach seems to confuse me more. I've never seen this side of her before and not sure why she is doing this or what she gains from it. I assume it's her way of justifying everything to herself because she cannot do it any other way. It must be easier to pick a fight and make me out to be the bad guy.

[ReeledIn]

You drew a boundary with the texting, Stephen. Good for you. If there is a way to block texts and emails (while not blocking calls) I would do that. Not sure if it can be done. I suppose you could block her phone completely and say, "When you're ready to talk like adults, just send me an email and we can coordinate a time to do that. Otherwise, save your energy as I will be blocking your phone until that time."

If your sister is willing, perhaps she could serve as an intermediary to help coordinate schedules.

Of course I have never been thru this, so others on the forum who have been thru it are going to give better advice.

I know it's unfathomable how strange she is acting. It must be so confusing. In time she will probably regret treating you so horribly, unless she has a mental illness and just doesn't care. As you have told me, she is probably a love/relationship addict...which explains a lot of this...but it's still best for to to escape because she is obviously not going to look inward and resolve these issues. You are better off without her.

If she is still in a "relationship" with that guy she has some serious dopamine highs and lows going on. He might be pressuring her to prove she is divorced. ..but PLEASE do not let that influence your decision. She is obviously not stable and not willing to see that for herself. Time to leave her behind..

I hope you can break free..find some local, happily divorced folks to hang out with on Meet-up. That should give support and hope!

[Pudding]

You are a very strong person. She is really putting you through the ringer! I hope you’re doing okay.

[Stephen]

Since I've put up the no texting or emailing boundary with my wife, I've not heard anything from her in the past week. Which is what I expected, but at the same time it's not having the desired effect I had hoped for me. I've been feeling really lonely and sad, I hate being in my apartment because it makes me feel like something, someone is missing. I just feel like disappearing, like I want to run far away from everything familiar which is only making me hurt more. It seems stupid to pay so much a month for a place I try to avoid. When I told her no texting or emailing I left the door open for her to contact me if she wants to talk, but only that, and I would reach out to her in regards to the paperwork when I'm ready. I still really miss her, but I don't understand why. I don't feel she deserves to be missed by me, and I feel I'm missing her more than she misses me. Why is that? I'm not the one who abandoned and betrayed the relationship...

As I drudge from one day to the next, work, apartment, work, apartment, I cant but help feel I miss her more and more. There is nobody to talk with (at least not in the same way), nobody to cook for, nobody to laugh with, nobody to spend time with. I just have the weekends to look forward to where I can be briefly distracted before those two days blow by and then back to the drudgery. I go out and try to stay busy, but everything reminds me of something we shared. Every happy couple reminds me of what I used to have.

I truly don't know what to do about the divorce paperwork she's been pushing for. I'm not ready to sign yet, and I honestly don't feel ready to give up yet, but I'm out of ideas on what I can do other than wait. It seems stupid when I think about it because she has given me no indication of any type that she wants anything to do with me anymore and I really don't know what I would do if she came back. I don't know why, but I don't feel ready to give up although maybe I should. It's one of the things that upsets me the most when I think about everything she's done. Why did she give up so easily and why should I do the same? The days that I think I may be better off without her don't usually last very long. It's been more down than up the past few weeks.

[Whiskeyjack]

Stephen I am so sorry that you're hurting so bad. It's so unfair that you have to go through this process that you had absolutely no choice in. You've suffered a very traumatic experience and it's early days yet in your healing journey.

Since I've put up the no texting or emailing boundary with my wife, I've not heard anything from her in the past week. Which is what I expected, but at the same time it's not having the desired effect I had hoped for me. I've been feeling really lonely and sad, I hate being in my apartment because it makes me feel like something, someone is missing. I just feel like disappearing, like I want to run far away from everything familiar which is only making me hurt more. It seems stupid to pay so much a month for a place I try to avoid. When I told her no texting or emailing I left the door open for her to contact me if she wants to talk, but only that, and I would reach out to her in regards to the paperwork when I'm ready. I still really miss her, but I don't understand why. I don't feel she deserves to be missed by me, and I feel I'm missing her more than she misses me. Why is that? I'm not the one who abandoned and betrayed the relationship...

It sounds to me like, when you put the texting/emailing boundary up, you had some hope that she would reach out to you and now this is gone. That really sucks and I feel for you. At this point it seems she's simply demonstrating consistent behavior to date. As far as her deserving to be missed by you, well, you love her and it's the most natural thing in the world for you to miss her. I don't think 'deserve' enters into it; you're going to miss her anyway.

As I drudge from one day to the next, work, apartment, work, apartment, I cant but help feel I miss her more and more. There is nobody to talk with (at least not in the same way), nobody to cook for, nobody to laugh with, nobody to spend time with. I just have the weekends to look forward to where I can be briefly distracted before those two days blow by and then back to the drudgery. I go out and try to stay busy, but everything reminds me of something we shared. Every happy couple reminds me of what I used to have.

I truly don't know what to do about the divorce paperwork she's been pushing for. I'm not ready to sign yet, and I honestly don't feel ready to give up yet, but I'm out of ideas on what I can do other than wait. It seems stupid when I think about it because she has given me no indication of any type that she wants anything to do with me anymore and I really don't know what I would do if she came back. I don't know why, but I don't feel ready to give up although maybe I should. It's one of the things that upsets me the most when I think about everything she's done. Why did she give up so easily and why should I do the same? The days that I think I may be better off without her don't usually last very long. It's been more down than up the past few weeks.

You're grieving a tremendous loss right now and things are probably going to seem pretty dark for a while. I understand that you don't want to give up and let go of that last shard of hope. Thing is, if she came back now, she'd have the same issues as she did when she left. So would you. You'd just risk having this happen all over again at some point in the future. Signing the paperwork doesn't mean you gave up easily. You valued and fought for your marriage as best you could in the short time you had available. She didn't. Sign when you're ready (although, will you ever be truly ready?). IMO, though, she's not going to come around anytime soon, and your hanging on may be causing you to stay in intense grief and pain longer.

Have you gotten into some form of IC? Try to get out and socialize as much as you can. As has been suggested earlier, don't isolate. Do some stuff during the work week too to break the 'drudge-apartment cycle'.

I know you're strong enough to get through this. It's going to get better - very slowly at first, but, as the weeks and months pass, I know you'll start to find happiness again.

Sending strength and courage.