Stephen I am so sorry that you're hurting so bad. It's so unfair that you have to go through this process that you had absolutely no choice in. You've suffered a very traumatic experience and it's early days yet in your healing journey.
Stephen wrote: ↑
Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:31 pm
Since I've put up the no texting or emailing boundary with my wife, I've not heard anything from her in the past week. Which is what I expected, but at the same time it's not having the desired effect I had hoped for me. I've been feeling really lonely and sad, I hate being in my apartment because it makes me feel like something, someone is missing. I just feel like disappearing, like I want to run far away from everything familiar which is only making me hurt more. It seems stupid to pay so much a month for a place I try to avoid. When I told her no texting or emailing I left the door open for her to contact me if she wants to talk, but only that, and I would reach out to her in regards to the paperwork when I'm ready. I still really miss her, but I don't understand why. I don't feel she deserves to be missed by me, and I feel I'm missing her more than she misses me. Why is that? I'm not the one who abandoned and betrayed the relationship...
It sounds to me like, when you put the texting/emailing boundary up, you had some hope that she would reach out to you and now this is gone. That really sucks and I feel for you. At this point it seems she's simply demonstrating consistent behavior to date. As far as her deserving to be missed by you, well, you love her and it's the most natural thing in the world for you to miss her. I don't think 'deserve' enters into it; you're going to miss her anyway.
As I drudge from one day to the next, work, apartment, work, apartment, I cant but help feel I miss her more and more. There is nobody to talk with (at least not in the same way), nobody to cook for, nobody to laugh with, nobody to spend time with. I just have the weekends to look forward to where I can be briefly distracted before those two days blow by and then back to the drudgery. I go out and try to stay busy, but everything reminds me of something we shared. Every happy couple reminds me of what I used to have.
I truly don't know what to do about the divorce paperwork she's been pushing for. I'm not ready to sign yet, and I honestly don't feel ready to give up yet, but I'm out of ideas on what I can do other than wait. It seems stupid when I think about it because she has given me no indication of any type that she wants anything to do with me anymore and I really don't know what I would do if she came back. I don't know why, but I don't feel ready to give up although maybe I should. It's one of the things that upsets me the most when I think about everything she's done. Why did she give up so easily and why should I do the same? The days that I think I may be better off without her don't usually last very long. It's been more down than up the past few weeks.
You're grieving a tremendous loss right now and things are probably going to seem pretty dark for a while. I understand that you don't want to give up and let go of that last shard of hope. Thing is, if she came back now, she'd have the same issues as she did when she left. So would you. You'd just risk having this happen all over again at some point in the future. Signing the paperwork doesn't mean you gave up easily. You valued and fought for your marriage as best you could in the short time you had available. She didn't. Sign when you're ready (although, will you ever be truly ready?). IMO, though, she's not going to come around anytime soon, and your hanging on may be causing you to stay in intense grief and pain longer.
Have you gotten into some form of IC? Try to get out and socialize as much as you can. As has been suggested earlier, don't isolate. Do some stuff during the work week too to break the 'drudge-apartment cycle'.
I know you're strong enough to get through this. It's going to get better - very slowly at first, but, as the weeks and months pass, I know you'll start to find happiness again.
Sending strength and courage.