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I think my 8 month emotional affair is over. Although I read the definition of limerence, and I believe I am, I'm not sure that the EA partner is limerent for me or how it all co-mingles.
I will briefly summarize. EAP is married as am I. We both travel in the same social circle so see each other regularly. Felt spark with him a few years back which skyrocketed to severe limerence after my mom's death last september. Every interaction with him escalated in intensity. At first, I wasn't sure if it was in my imagination, but as time went on I could tell he was very attracted and into me as well.
The times in between events had and continue to have me reeling in depression. Usually there is no contact unless we are at an event together. I have texted with him in between times that I see him. It is always on the up and up until I ask him to meet to talk. I have been trying to get him alone to talk for months. He always stops texting at this request. Face to face he doesn't say no, but then I don't hear back from him if I ask via text.
So by month 6 of seeing him at least 3x per month I finally got very forward with my words and body language since he would never meet. He loves to flirt back, and intensely.
Last I posted, everyone was telling me he is not interested and back off. I know he is or was, as I am the only one living this hell. So i pushed to meet one more time after more intense encounters. He agreed face to face but I joked he wouldn't follow through. I told him to give me final answer on july 4, 4 days after I asked him to meet when I knew I would see him. After intense flirting on july 4 one on one, I asked answer to will he meet question, and he finally said no to my face.
I said thank you for finally being honest, and walked away. But knew I couldn't end everything like that. Went back over to him a little while later and told him I needed to talk for 5 minutes. He actually went outside with me alone to talk which surprised me. In one of our recent times together, I was able to get him to walk outside to my car with me, because I had a gift for his daughter. I put out my hand for an apology of sorts (long story) and he like held my hand for a long period of time and gazed lovingly in my eyes.
So on 7/4 he stepped outside with me, i said, I feel like you think I'm a really bad person (re: emotional affair, putting moves on etc). He very sincerely said he does not. Then I said "I want you to know that in my 20 year relationship I have never once looked in another direction, not ever, so you should be flattered". He said "he is." Then I said, "you are not guilt free in this situation," and he agreed and said he is not. Then I said "you have been playing games with me", and although his body language acknowledged this, I think he nodded, he didn't say anything verbally. Then he said, "I have been unsure, I've just been unsure". Although he didn't quantify exactly with words, what I took it to mean based on body language is that he considered having a real affair with me. It was obvious at that moment how much he really liked me. He said he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to blow up his whole family life and our social circle.
I would like to think sickly that there would have been a way for no one to find out, but didn't get chance to say this. He said he was worried if he told me how he felt that all "this" would end. And he gestured to the house full of people. I told him that people have been telling me my feelings and all of this are related to my mom's death and how logically that makes, sense but that's not how it feels in my heart. He nodded. I told him I've been trying to tell him for 8 months how I feel which is when he looks deep in my eyes I feel jolts of electricity. He listened intently and gazed deep in my eyes. I told him about the vicious cycle I feel of anxiety, then guilt, then fine, and it goes around and around. He nodded as if he is feeling this too. I asked him if he was curious about what it would be like to kiss and he said of course. But at the end of the day could not cheat.
He admitted to liking the attention I was giving him, and I said I liked it too. At that point we basically went back in the house. I pulled my friend aside who knows what has been going on and left the room. I had a massive episode of hysteria. I hope no one heard. As far as I know, no one has because I have hinted around.
When he left he hugged me goodbye and kissed me hard on the cheek. I couldn't even look at him I was so upset. I understand he finally did the right thing instead of keeping me strung along.
I AM WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I NEED TO EMPHASIZE HOW BADLY I AM DOING AND FEELING. I AM NOT DOING WELL. I HAVE BEEN SOBBING FOR DAYS ON END.
I got a prescription for prozac and started it a week ago. For the past 3 days, I felt a little better but woke up today more depressed than before. I have never felt this down in my whole life. My body is like numb and buzzing. I have cried several times today. I don't know how to go on and get through this. I don't know when I am seeing him again. I know I should stay away but feel so intensely bad. So I came on here to write it all out, and see if it will help.
I have become so unproductive because I am so down. I have a therapist appointment next week, but that feels like a long time from now. I still only think about him most of the day. That's my story.
LO 47 M
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Im so sorry you are feeling this way amd happy you have returned to this forum because if it wasnt for the great support here, Im not sure how I would have coped.
First off I totally empathize and if you read a couple of my posts below yours you will know my LO also rejected me after 7 months of dsily contacts and intimacy. I still cant breathe properly and its been 2 days!! Just share as much as you can here because its better to pour it out than bottling it in. Since I am very much struggling with no contact I will let the well experienced experts on here take over
Giving you plenty of
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA
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So on 7/4 when I came back from our talk outside, I was delirious with emotions and as I said on the brink of hysteria, so I summoned my friend over and went down the hall and cried hysterically to him. As I said, I asked several people and as far as i can tell no one saw or heard anything.
So now this friend is having a bbq saturday that we are both invited to. I originally said I wasn't going to go, but as the days ticked on and the rsvps rolled in most all of our friends will be there, and I am SO down, that I feel like it will help to be around my friends. Plus he hasn't responded. So mutual male friends wife emailed LO twice about bbq and NO RESPONSE. And now male friend sent him a text asking if he got bbq invite and NO RESPONSE. I feel like . I told friend it's all my fault and he's not responding because of me. That he prob saw or heard us talking. Friend saying no way. Sometimes he gets like this and just doesn't respond. I think he must have seen or heard something and is now totally freaked out that his good friend knows. I feel so . I actually feel worse than earlier if even possible. Feel like all my fault.
LO 47 M
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You should try and refrain from leaning on mutual friends to “find out” what LO is up to. This will only prolong your suffering. I commend you for being mature enough to talk it out with LO, but since you demanded an answer from him you must respect his decision, if only for your own sanity.
Please keep venting here. We understand completely. Your friends in real life can’t give you the support you need to withstand the pressure of LO either being at the party or not. Just don’t go. NC is key for you right now, even though it sucks big time.
I hope you can find some peace by coming here and letting it all out.
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* Realising our relationship was not a real relationship beyond friends (working with him blurred the boundaries of real/not real that some days I couldn't even tell).
* Realising that he was with his long term girlfriend because he loved her and did not want to ever hurt her. And that that was great because what a lovely man who did not want to cheat on her. How horrible a person would I be to break that up?
* Acknowledging that his ltgf had nothing to do with this (not that she ever really came into it), but also - why would I want to hurt her?
* Thinking about how I would feel if a woman my husband worked with felt the same way about him as I did about this guy.
One thing that was always apparent to me was that this whole thing was about ME. Who I was, how I relate to others, how I come across to others. He was a mirror in many senses - reflected back at me parts of my personality that needed shaking up, waking up, parts of my life that needed a kick etc.
That's what you now have to do: turn all this focus back on YOU. As hard as it is, do not go to the BBQ. You need some distance - this limerence can really get intense sometimes - and YES IT WILL HURT. I was crushed, I felt my insides were burning, I felt as if my soul was being ripped out at times but I got through and have never learned so much about myself as I have these last 10 years. I do not regret a single thing (except in those small moments, perhaps - I would have liked to have told him how I felt, I guess, but I could not have followed through with a more intimate relationship).
I hope all this makes sense. But God Yes I know how much it hurts - but you will get through.
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For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence
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We are all here for you. It really is the hardest thing
LO is M 35, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control
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In time, the heart will stop 'wanting'... that's when we wake up to the truth.
So go easy on yourself. Things will unfold all in good time. I hope the prozac is helping. I had it for a short period to help stop me crying. Boy it was a blessing! Those brain chemicals sure can go haywire at times.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
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But as it goes we gravitate toward each other eventually. Ugh. 20 minutes of pure heaven or hell depending how I look at it. We were standing only a maybe two feet apart at most, and he is locking eyes with me whole time staring deep into soul.
I said I can’t do this anymore, he very calmly and almost melancholy said “what do you want me to do? Do you want me to walk away”? I think you can guess my answer!
The rest of night was only talking in groups. Now will have forced no contact for 2 months. Even just typing that makes me want to throw up. I feel anxiety rising as I type. And I want to cry.
So I also found out yesterday he knows mutual friend who I described as pawn knows. His wife mentioned that they spoke. My guess is she wasn’t supposed to tell me that LO had convo with her husband who is my good friend. All I’ve heard so far is that he said “I talked to (me) Saturday night”. And “wife still knows nothing”.
I know it’s ridiculous to debate but it all just swirls around in my head. Why would he feel need to discuss me with friend? Obviously I am in his mind to some degree?
I haven’t been able to talk to my friend yet because he is having a work emergency.
So I have very little info about the conversation right now. But was very surprised that LO told friend. Can tell by wording that this is clearly not first convo either.
So now need to find out more. But my friend is in crisis mode with work so not sure when it will be now.
I am just trying to get thru my days. And nights. Prozac not helping yet. Dr just raised dose.
LO 47 M
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