Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

A section on how we were parented and how we parent our own children (where relevant). It is likely that much of the origins of our Limerence start in childhood, this is an important sub-forum.
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David
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Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by David »

All too often my wife and I see married couples with children under 18 where one of them is in limerence and in the process of leaving the marriage.

No amount of injecting our wisdom breaks the fantasy, such is the denial of reality associated with limerence. I can predict with good certainty that we would be told we dont understand, that they have met their soulmate and being together with their LO will be the answer to all their projected frustrations, pain and hurt.

While I am not bothered as to how consenting adults behave, what does make me angry is the absolutely havoc that is wrecked on their children. Limerence is a selfish, egocentric, self absorbed, narcissistic condition.

If just one married person in limerence thinking of leaving their family visits this forum and starts awaking and questioning their own behaviour than I have achieved my mission. Ironically, those in limerence are themselves living with a wounded inner child, whose ego will do anything to avoid going into their own pain and grief.

Whilst that limerent is here, it may be they are exposed to strong opinions especially if reading / dialoguing with partners of those in limerence.Their feelings may get bruised and egos may get hurt. I know mine did more than once on this forum's precursor, Tribes.net. If that is the price to be paid in getting just one person to wake up and not destroy their family, than for me its a price worth paying.

I am also mindful that not everyone with limerence has young children and this then does not apply to them. For them, waking up is perhaps less important as the impact of them leaving a childless relationship is far less. Unless of course they become parents one day.

So that is why I am loath to remove posts where strong views are expressed and egos are hurt. Who knows, maybe in that rubbing of edges, just maybe one person will wake up and realise its not their soul mate they have met, its their wound mate and the answers lie in themselves.
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Sara
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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by Sara »

Thank you David im one of the limerents with young children.
There is absolutely no question of leaving my marriage though and its true the main reason Is for the sake of my kids ❤️
LO: happily married 34, ex co-worker
Me: happily married 32, 2 kids.
Limerence since sept 2015 (codependent ? Platonic friendship?)

Acrobatica
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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by Acrobatica »

And I would like to add that while limerence is not the answer, it can also be a wake-up call that something is deeply wrong in the person's life.

I went full NC (now two years and I have zero limerent feelings left and look back at that time with compassion for myself) and then went to marriage counseling. As I have disclosed to this forum several times, both my individual counselor, and to my shock, the marriage counselor, confirmed that my ex was acting in a psychologically and verbally abusive manner to me. It is the marriage counselor who first brought up divorce and laid groundwork for shared parenting and cooperating on scheduling (and thank god she did). I have now been gone for 18 months and am finally in a position to help my own children. I had to get free before I could help them. I do not speak ill of their father and I have made it clear there are no sides to take. But I have also created a safe space in my home.

Sometimes it is not the right thing to do to save a marriage at all costs. Sometimes the right thing to do is to wake up that the marriage itself is a toxic place both for the spouse and the children.

As I have said before, if we fall limerent for disordered personalities, it is also quite possible that we married one.

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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by Maddie »

Very profound points, Acro. I'm so happy you're free.
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I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

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David
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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by David »

Acrobatica wrote:
Sun Jul 26, 2020 12:47 am
Sometimes it is not the right thing to do to save a marriage at all costs. Sometimes the right thing to do is to wake up that the marriage itself is a toxic place both for the spouse and the children.
Yes, i agree. It saddens me when one half of a marriage refuses to take responsibility and look at how they contribute to the decaying dynamics. Leaving a marriage to jump straight into a new relationship, often because of limerence / lust is not the answer.
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
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To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by Mezzer »

Hello all,

I was going to post an update somewhere on the forum but I feel this is a good place to do it as it will allow me to respond to Davids initial post as it has relevance to my present situation.

I fell limerent for a coworker in 2019, i had an EA and very brief PA with my LO. Im am now limerence free, however the the LE has been the catalyst for the breakdown of my marriage.

Although I have no romantic feelings for my LO, I have not rediscovered my feelings for my SO. It was a horrible situation to be in, I desperately wanted to love my SO again but when I took a step back and evaluated my feelings with the aid of a therapist. I concluded that my relationship with my SO was not meeting my emotional needs.

I am an ENFP, and I need to feel appreciated and be fussed as I call it, on a regular basis. My SO does not need that and doesn't have the emotional intelligence to understand my need. This has led to a 16 year relationship full of resentment and subtle manipulation on my part.

Our children are a little older now and this combined with the loss of a close relative has led me to conclude that I will never have the relationship I need with my SO. We have been living apart for nearly 4 months, in which time, despite my SO being well aware of my needs through marriage counselling, she has made no overtures of love or missing me. I must therefore conclude that either she really did see our marriage as an ala mode arrangement, or she is too emotionally detached to want to understand my needs and compromise.

It has become a somewhat catch 22 now, because even if the overtures were made, i would not feel they were heartfelt and genuine. I am deeply saddened by this, but I now believe the only answer is to forge ahead on my own. I will be the best farther I can be, but our family unit is forever shattered.

I swing from grief and fear to positivity about my potential future, but ultimately I think it is the right choice for ME. I have lived my life sacrificing a part of myself for the sake of fear of being alone, but if the last four months has taught me anything, its that im stronger than I realised, I have friends who care about my wellbeing and that I can tolerate a little loneliness.

Is it narcissistic to put myself first? I don't know, but the life of constant fear that triggered my subtly controlling behaviour was not good for me, and was certainly not good for my SO, even if she doesn't know it now.

So in conclusion, I say to you David, yes I am deeply flawed and I have much work to do, but waking up to the reality of my perfect life before limerence was not the lesson it was trying to teach me.

Much love to all who read this, i wish you all the best on your limerence journey and hope you fill that hole in your life with something positive

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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by Cookie »

Mezzer wrote:
Sun Jul 26, 2020 6:51 am
So in conclusion, I say to you David, yes I am deeply flawed and I have much work to do, but waking up to the reality of my perfect life before limerence was not the lesson it was trying to teach me.
Right. And I guess the question I keep coming back to is, "What are the odds that I picked the right partner 25 years ago?" I know that there may be no such thing as the "right" partner, but I'm quite certain that the same tendencies that led me to limerence are the ones that attracted my husband. My daughter simply blurted out to me at lunch one day, "Dad's a narcissist."

Yes, I know, here we are with the labels again. But how can I ignore that it's part of the same pattern? Mezzer, your wife may simply not be capable of being reached and bonded with. And we could probably debate til the end of time whether it is you, her, or both. But as you're implying here and my situation also echoes, there are some things that may not be reparable.

I'm inspired by the courage of members on this board like Acrobatica who have realized this and had the courage to move on. I'm equally inspired by those who put the hard work in to save their marriages! But I can't quite ignore the little voice telling me that many of us are on here because we haven't made healthy relationship choices all along...not just with our LOs.
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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by L-F »

This!

Is the exact reason why asked for this subforum to be created.

I know I've posted on a thread about my friend doing past life work, however, they don't have children and don't believe limerence is everything life is cracked up to be - meaning, they have zero intention of leaving their partner for LO, in fact they've never considered such rubbish, maybe its because they are quite high up on the EQ and IQ scale.

This is off topic - sorry David! Because my friend isn't pained by limerence, and I'm totally over it, we are in the perfect position to explore other avenues, because at the end of the day, it doesn't change our current situation or reality.

That aside, I absolutely agree we need to consider what we pass on to the children. I'm so glad people are responding to your post David, more so since it's in this section.

Hey, maybe I could pass you some interesting articles and if you post them more people might actually pay attention? =))

Seriously though, it has been a bugbear of mine that children are often overlooked.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by L-F »

And adding to this, when I look into my crystal ball I see that many children will not only read the forum but also join the forum to discuss why they feel so attracted to this person or that person, or why they can't stop thinking about them.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

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Re: Limerence, children and moderation of this forum

Post by peter.rabbit »

David wrote:
Fri Jul 24, 2020 8:52 am
Limerence is a selfish, egocentric, self absorbed, narcissistic condition.
It's ironic, so much discussion here refers to the LO as being(or probably being) the narcissist. In assessing my LE I've wondered if perhaps it was ME being the narcissist all along. For that reason I've firmly resisted the temptation to disclose to my LO, not wanting to unfairly impact someone who(in this case) is not culpable for the LE.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein

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