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Our new world...

How to improve a long term relationship and keep it alive, healthy and growing. Just like tending a garden.
JohnDeux
Posts: 1827
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Our new world...

Post by JohnDeux » Fri Dec 08, 2017 7:01 pm

L-F wrote:
Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:29 am
"Stop Seeking Acceptance From People Who Are Committed to Not Accepting You."

Its strange how things snowball all on their own. ....Completing each others chores without being asked. Small innocent things that snowball into a sense of togetherness. .
That article title is most relevant to that nasty, uncompromising side of myself who seems never able to accept who I am. Use to be other people who I could blame for not accepting me. Seems I had no where to turn since I couldn't accept myself either. So that was that place I really needed to dig into and not be looking for some other target.

Re: "Snowballing". I sit there looking at the dirty dishes in the sink (we do 'em by hand still). Was it the chicken or the egg who first stopped doing them? If I do SO's dishes too I can convince myself I'm not doing them as a favor to her, but to conserve on water and energy use. Otherwise I just feel like I'm being 'used'. I can tell myself that I'll go ahead and do them on account of a little bird telling me it may foster "togetherness"....but that will have to provide the motivation, cuz there's no warm fuzzy propelling me any other way.

Relationship-as-focus aside, I find myself in much the similar place as you and several others here. Still laughing with SO at times, still sharing dinner, and staying the course on finding my own core of satisfaction with self and circumstance.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Endgame
Posts: 240
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:09 am

Re: Our new world...

Post by Endgame » Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:46 pm

Interesting, LF, I hadn't picked up your backstory until now that your LO was f and SO m.

Many years ago when I was in my first long term relationship, engaged in fact, I had probably my 3rd major LE which was also with a F. Interesting experience compared to all the other LEs I've had as, like you say, SO never felt in competition (even sympathised to an extent as he thought I was grappling with my sexuality) so was far more supportive than other partners caught up in my pitiful patterns of limerence.

Sorry to derail...it just interested me as I haven't come across many others on here with similar stories.

JD - yes to the washing dishes scenario. I frequently have this with making tea / coffee although I am the selfish one. I rarely do it and interestingly our therapist centred on this as a symbol of our marriage and the starting point for fixing it as it was such a point of stand off. Battle for tea control ha. Petty beings we (or I).

L-F
Posts: 1865
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Our new world...

Post by L-F » Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:32 pm

Endgame wrote:
Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:46 pm

Many years ago when I was in my first long term relationship, engaged in fact, I had probably my 3rd major LE which was also with a F. Interesting experience compared to all the other LEs I've had as, like you say, SO never felt in competition (even sympathised to an extent as he thought I was grappling with my sexuality) so was far more supportive than other partners caught up in my pitiful patterns of limerence.
This is spot on for me!
Last edited by L-F on Sun May 06, 2018 9:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

L-F
Posts: 1865
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Our new world...

Post by L-F » Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:43 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Fri Dec 08, 2017 7:01 pm
Re: "Snowballing". I sit there looking at the dirty dishes in the sink (we do 'em by hand still). Was it the chicken or the egg who first stopped doing them? If I do SO's dishes too I can convince myself I'm not doing them as a favor to her, but to conserve on water and energy use. Otherwise I just feel like I'm being 'used'. I can tell myself that I'll go ahead and do them on account of a little bird telling me it may foster "togetherness"....but that will have to provide the motivation, cuz there's no warm fuzzy propelling me any other way.

Relationship-as-focus aside, I find myself in much the similar place as you and several others here. Still laughing with SO at times, still sharing dinner, and staying the course on finding my own core of satisfaction with self and circumstance.
I was out tramping this morning and was thinking of you JD! :) Funny. This post, chores and your situation came to mind, not to mention meditation and zen qualities (becoming more zen like).
Last edited by L-F on Sun May 06, 2018 9:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

L-F
Posts: 1865
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Our new world...

Post by L-F » Fri Dec 15, 2017 10:22 am

You can make a conscious decision where it goes
Last edited by L-F on Sun May 06, 2018 9:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3272
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Our new world...

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:41 am

LF, I really wish you luck and hope! I really have you to thank for showing me that a life free of illusion is so much better. :ymhug:
"You know what makes the night so beautiful? That the galaxy had a choice to sit in darkness but it decided to let stars shine bright." S D-B, 1962-2018

L-F
Posts: 1865
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Our new world...

Post by L-F » Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:19 pm

JupiterTaco wrote:
Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:41 am
LF, I really wish you luck and hope! I really have you to thank for showing me that a life free of illusion is so much better. :ymhug:
:ymhug:
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

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