Our new world...

How to improve a long term relationship and keep it alive, healthy and growing. Just like tending a garden.
JohnDeux
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Re: Our new world...

Post by JohnDeux » Fri Dec 08, 2017 7:01 pm

L-F wrote:
Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:29 am
"Stop Seeking Acceptance From People Who Are Committed to Not Accepting You."

Its strange how things snowball all on their own. ....Completing each others chores without being asked. Small innocent things that snowball into a sense of togetherness. .
That article title is most relevant to that nasty, uncompromising side of myself who seems never able to accept who I am. Use to be other people who I could blame for not accepting me. Seems I had no where to turn since I couldn't accept myself either. So that was that place I really needed to dig into and not be looking for some other target.

Re: "Snowballing". I sit there looking at the dirty dishes in the sink (we do 'em by hand still). Was it the chicken or the egg who first stopped doing them? If I do SO's dishes too I can convince myself I'm not doing them as a favor to her, but to conserve on water and energy use. Otherwise I just feel like I'm being 'used'. I can tell myself that I'll go ahead and do them on account of a little bird telling me it may foster "togetherness"....but that will have to provide the motivation, cuz there's no warm fuzzy propelling me any other way.

Relationship-as-focus aside, I find myself in much the similar place as you and several others here. Still laughing with SO at times, still sharing dinner, and staying the course on finding my own core of satisfaction with self and circumstance.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Endgame
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Re: Our new world...

Post by Endgame » Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:46 pm

Interesting, LF, I hadn't picked up your backstory until now that your LO was f and SO m.

Many years ago when I was in my first long term relationship, engaged in fact, I had probably my 3rd major LE which was also with a F. Interesting experience compared to all the other LEs I've had as, like you say, SO never felt in competition (even sympathised to an extent as he thought I was grappling with my sexuality) so was far more supportive than other partners caught up in my pitiful patterns of limerence.

Sorry to derail...it just interested me as I haven't come across many others on here with similar stories.

JD - yes to the washing dishes scenario. I frequently have this with making tea / coffee although I am the selfish one. I rarely do it and interestingly our therapist centred on this as a symbol of our marriage and the starting point for fixing it as it was such a point of stand off. Battle for tea control ha. Petty beings we (or I).

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L-F
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Re: Our new world...

Post by L-F » Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:32 pm

Endgame wrote:
Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:46 pm

Many years ago when I was in my first long term relationship, engaged in fact, I had probably my 3rd major LE which was also with a F. Interesting experience compared to all the other LEs I've had as, like you say, SO never felt in competition (even sympathised to an extent as he thought I was grappling with my sexuality) so was far more supportive than other partners caught up in my pitiful patterns of limerence.
This is spot on for me! He too (SO that is) sympathised to an extent as he thought I was grappling with my sexuality. And I was. A double whammy to contend with. I'm not sure many get it though. I mean, what straight person is going to admit that yes, yes indeed they could fall for the same gender? I know I wouldn't have had a bar of it prior to LO. Grappling with sexuality if painful. Limerence is painful. Put them together and boy, there were times if I had a gun I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here. Thankfully my man brain (logical side) pulled me through! #:-s
The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.

Jordan Belfort

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L-F
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Re: Our new world...

Post by L-F » Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:43 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Fri Dec 08, 2017 7:01 pm
Re: "Snowballing". I sit there looking at the dirty dishes in the sink (we do 'em by hand still). Was it the chicken or the egg who first stopped doing them? If I do SO's dishes too I can convince myself I'm not doing them as a favor to her, but to conserve on water and energy use. Otherwise I just feel like I'm being 'used'. I can tell myself that I'll go ahead and do them on account of a little bird telling me it may foster "togetherness"....but that will have to provide the motivation, cuz there's no warm fuzzy propelling me any other way.

Relationship-as-focus aside, I find myself in much the similar place as you and several others here. Still laughing with SO at times, still sharing dinner, and staying the course on finding my own core of satisfaction with self and circumstance.
I was out tramping this morning and was thinking of you JD! :) Funny. This post, chores and your situation came to mind, not to mention meditation and zen qualities (becoming more zen like).

And it dawned on me! It is true! Be careful where you focus your attention.

With fresh air, heart pumping, and hubby helping me up that slope, I had an 'aha' moment. My shift in 'perspective' is that snowball. You see, all those good things have always been there! My appreication for them was not. It was clouded by limerence. So when I put my focus on the good stuff it snowballed. For example, he has taken the cat to the vet. It didn't have to be him, but it was. This is something I would not have cared about when my focus was not on 'the good stuff'. I have a tad more respect for him taking on this duty without a care. But as I've mentioned before, its never one sided. Things are shifting for him too.

It is nice to have new goggles on, in which to view the world. :-B Have a blessed weekend JD!
The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.

Jordan Belfort

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L-F
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Re: Our new world...

Post by L-F » Fri Dec 15, 2017 10:22 am

L-F wrote:
Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:43 pm

Be careful where you focus your attention.
You can make a conscious decision where it goes
The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.

Jordan Belfort

JupiterTaco
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Re: Our new world...

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:41 am

LF, I really wish you luck and hope! I really have you to thank for showing me that a life free of illusion is so much better. :ymhug:
"And I call you "person" and not "woman," because a woman is a strong, beautiful vibrant creature. A woman embraces life. A woman makes choices to make her life better."-Glenn Quagmire

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L-F
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Re: Our new world...

Post by L-F » Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:19 pm

JupiterTaco wrote:
Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:41 am
LF, I really wish you luck and hope! I really have you to thank for showing me that a life free of illusion is so much better. :ymhug:
:ymhug:
The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.

Jordan Belfort

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