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Hasty Reader on limerence

For some, limerence isn't about suffering. For others, they do not see limerence as akin to an addiction. Others do not see limerence as originating in childhood from poor parenting and dysfunctional attachments.

Here is a place to share different beliefs as well as share your own POV.
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daydreamer
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Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by daydreamer » Tue May 28, 2019 4:30 pm

i came across this by accident and i thought it was useful. even though i didn't agree 100%: https://hastyreader.com/limerence-passionate-love/

those are the parts i liked:
[...]

In the happiest case, an episode ends with the two people forming a couple, or when the Limerent finally understands that no matter what they do, the Limerent Object simply isn’t romantically interested.

In long episodes of limerence, the LO can often engage in a “hot and cold” behavior, where they never fully commit to the Limerent, but also never firmly rejects them. In effect, this keeps the Limerent trapped and unable to move on.

Of course, this also depends on the personality and experience of the Limerent. Some realize quickly that there is no hope in pursuing a relationship, so their episode ends quickly. Others might be too hung up to see the obvious, and keep manipulating themselves into thinking that there’s still a chance, if only they tried harder.

[...]

For Limerents, winning over the LO will quickly become their primary purpose. All other goals and ambitions gain a secondary importance. Even if it’s a person they’ve barely spoken to, a rejection can be as painful as losing a friend, or even a family member.

Because of this, they constantly live in fear of being turned down. So they constantly tip toe around the LO, trying to make their intentions known, but not enough to be fully obvious and risk a firm rejection.

At the same time, they want to make the best possible impression. To do this, Limerents will often try to become actors in a way, trying to make every gesture of theirs perfect. Of course, most people aren’t Oscar worthy so this “act” of theirs falls flat, or even feels downright artificial and robotic, sort of like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator.

[...]

During an episode, Limerents will suffer from a distinct inability to perceive the behavior of the LO clearly. They want a romantic relationship with them so much, that they manipulate themselves into seeing signs of interest where there are none.

Indeed, in extreme situations the Limerent can even twist a vague rejection into seeming like a test of sorts: “they only said no so I can try harder, but they didn’t really mean no”.

Hope is to limerence what oxygen is to a fire. Thus, a Limerent person always tries to perceive every action of the LO as a positive sign of interest, even when it’s dead obvious to anybody else that it really isn’t.

For example, if the Limerent and the LO are in the same room but at opposite corners, the Limerent will somehow perceive this as a sign of interest.

“He went to the other side of the room because his feelings are just as strong as mine, and couldn’t cope with the intensity of being near me.”

But if the LO had come right next to the Limerent, they might have a completely different interpretation.

“He came next to me so we could have a chance to talk. They’re probably in love too!”.

Reading this, you might be tempted to say “the Limerent should just ask the LO out, confess their love, and just get to the end of it. What an amateur!”.

Sounds simple, but this exposes the Limerent to a crushing and swift rejection, which they do not want to risk. Instead, they will often try to “seduce” the LO in roundabout ways, that do not betray their intentions.

One of the paradoxes of limerence is that the Limerent aches for emotional reciprocation, but once they get it, their interest levels begin to fade.

If the LO is obviously eager, then the Limerent will stop asking oneself “Does the LO want me?” and instead switch to questions such as “Do I want the LO anymore?”. Certainty pulls the Limerent out of the chase, feeling they’ve already won.

Of course, this is also true the other way around. If the LO knows just how infatuated the Limerent is, they too might lose interest and consider the Limerent overbearing.

Limerents are aware of these dynamics, so they end up playing mind games in an effort to seem the disinterested party in the courtship. They aim to use mystery and uncertainty to draw in the LO, and not seem too overeager and thus risk repelling them.

Here are just a few examples of these mind games:

Not answering calls from the LO immediately, instead they call back a while later.
In social gatherings, they might avoid talking to the LO at first, and engage with other people.
Pretending to be busy, and prioritizing something else.
Pretend not to be attracted.

Sex isn’t necesarilly the end-goal

For the Limerent, the end-game is to obtain emotional investment and reciprocation from the LO.

In other words, sex with the LO isn’t the primary motivator. That’s not to say the Limerent doesn’t desire such a thing. But the fantasies that keep the Limerent awake at night are those in which the Limerent and the LO share an intimate moment, such as cooking, walks on the beach, or cuddling away somewhere.

In fact, some Limerents might actually be repulsed by sexual fantasies because these violate their image of a pure and “unspoilt” LO.

An exception to this are cases when sex itself is viewed as an emotional reciprocation. Just as a kiss can mean “I like you”, a Limerent can perceive sex with the LO as another way of saying “I love you”.

There’s also a distinct difference between sexual and limerent fantasies. The first ones are voluntary in nature. It’s possible to control and influence a sexual fantasy, to imagine the motions and how the act unfolds.

Limerent daydreams on the other hand, are entirely involuntary. They simply wriggle their way into the head of the sufferer, and stay there for as long as they like.

What is the cure for limerence?

The only real way to end an episode of limerence is to be 100% sure that a romantic relationship with the desired person is impossible. This requires either 1. a firm, clear and irreversible rejection from the crush or 2. the Limerent loses all hope that a romantic relationship will ever become reality.

Both of those options are bitter medicines. No one likes to go through a painful and humiliating rejection, or to be strung along without any emotional reciprocation.

But both methods work because they evaporate any feelings of hope the Limerent may have that a relationship is still possible. Once this happens, the sufferer knows that any further effort won’t make a difference, and trying to pursue the relationships further is a waste of time.

Fortunately, once the point of losing hope is reached, the intensity of limerence quickly drops.

[...]

Pattihopeful
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by Pattihopeful » Wed May 29, 2019 2:17 am

Very good read! The one thing that has me wondering is why mine has gotten worse. I think I am hanging on and not facing the rejection. Also getting some mixed signals.

AnnieKaye9924
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Mon Jun 03, 2019 3:18 am

daydreamer wrote:
Tue May 28, 2019 4:30 pm

One of the paradoxes of limerence is that the Limerent aches for emotional reciprocation, but once they get it, their interest levels begin to fade.

An exception to this are cases when sex itself is viewed as an emotional reciprocation. Just as a kiss can mean “I like you”, a Limerent can perceive sex with the LO as another way of saying “I love you.”
[/quote]

This describes my experience to a tee, especially the first part. The second paragraph I quoted above is something I NEVER considered. Very interesting. It seemed as though my LO was limerent for me but was also very focused on the sexual aspect, even though he constantly used emotional language, so it was confusing. Maybe that was just how he perceived “reciprocation,” who knows?

daydreamer
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by daydreamer » Mon Jun 03, 2019 3:54 am

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Mon Jun 03, 2019 3:18 am
was also very focused on the sexual aspect, even though he constantly used emotional language, so it was confusing. Maybe that was just how he perceived “reciprocation,” who knows?
i would say it's likely for a man. we tend to do that instinctively.

mamasita
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by mamasita » Tue Jun 04, 2019 3:13 pm

Thank you for sharing!
I can relate to all of it. I found it interesting that the limerent knows that they may appear overbearing, causing the LO to lose interest. So the limerent plays coy games, tries to avoid...etc.
What a stupid game I've played. x_x

marko
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by marko » Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:00 am

Pattihopeful wrote:
Wed May 29, 2019 2:17 am
Very good read! The one thing that has me wondering is why mine has gotten worse. I think I am hanging on and not facing the rejection. Also getting some mixed signals.
It always gets worse and you admitted why, and of course mixed signals are our worst enemy. Not facing, and then getting a reason not to do so. This is especially a bad formula as it still points to you looking out for the hit, and the yo yo of reciprocation. This can be made worse when we blow out of proportion and read more into the mixed signals. Not letting go is what we do. I doubt I ever fully let go. I doubt even death would end bits, as we still would pull some tiny feel good out.

marko
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by marko » Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:06 am

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Mon Jun 03, 2019 3:18 am
daydreamer wrote:
Tue May 28, 2019 4:30 pm

One of the paradoxes of limerence is that the Limerent aches for emotional reciprocation, but once they get it, their interest levels begin to fade.

An exception to this are cases when sex itself is viewed as an emotional reciprocation. Just as a kiss can mean “I like you”, a Limerent can perceive sex with the LO as another way of saying “I love you.”
This describes my experience to a tee, especially the first part. The second paragraph I quoted above is something I NEVER considered. Very interesting. It seemed as though my LO was limerent for me but was also very focused on the sexual aspect, even though he constantly used emotional language, so it was confusing. Maybe that was just how he perceived “reciprocation,” who knows?
[/quote]

I'd be more worried that he knew how to manipulate a women with emotion. If LE, you can become anything to manipulate a response. I could change everything to manipulate a response or a look like a desperate showman. I bet I'd do it again in a heartbeat, not to be cruel or rude, but to give that inner ache a rest.

AnnieKaye9924
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Thu Jun 06, 2019 11:12 am

@marko - yes, good point. Seems likely. It could also be that there was no LE on his side and all the emotional talk was just manipulation.

daydreamer
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by daydreamer » Thu Jun 06, 2019 1:49 pm

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Thu Jun 06, 2019 11:12 am
It could also be that there was no LE on his side and all the emotional talk was just manipulation.
yeah, there is no way of knowing for sure. for the record, i need to say, not every man is a manipulator. some of us are emotional and honest, too. interestingly, when i was a young child, i thought i preferred to be a girl rather than a boy (aesthetically speaking). don't get me wrong, i'm as straight as they come.

Pattihopeful
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Re: Hasty Reader on limerence

Post by Pattihopeful » Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:10 pm

Yes Marko, not facing the rejection and finding reasons not to do so! This was so my experience yesterday. I keep finding bits of hope though I know better. I looked up a former LO to see if I could transfer this to no avail. So glad I am not alone.

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