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Alternative Truths...

For some, limerence isn't about suffering. For others, they do not see limerence as akin to an addiction. Others do not see limerence as originating in childhood from poor parenting and dysfunctional attachments.

Here is a place to share different beliefs as well as share your own POV.
L-F
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by L-F » Thu May 17, 2018 3:21 am

Edited: true its definitely a different POV.

I wonder if I would be suffering if I decided to join an AA group to talk about cocktail recipes cos you know, its alcohol related. Or whether others would suffer more because of it? Hmm had never looked at it this way before.
Just breathe...

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LisaTranscending
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by LisaTranscending » Thu May 17, 2018 4:10 am

We are talking about something way more complex than cocktail recipes....we are talking about dealing with other human beings... people we work with...live next door to...are mutual friends with spouses.... situations we can't always just walk away from. There are many ways to cope with this that don't necessarily work for one person but might be an alternatively workable solution for another. It's very individual and no right or wrong.

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David
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by David » Thu May 17, 2018 6:34 am

LisaTranscending wrote:
Thu May 17, 2018 1:44 am
RSV has figured out a way to stay in his desire phase without physically betraying his spouse....
The definition of betrayal is an interesitng one. I appreciate its different for each of us. Whilst he may not be physically betraying his SO, he is not fully emotionally present for his SO whilst part of his desire is for another. Im not saying this is wrong. Polyamory seems to work for some people. That said, is he in a truly polyamorous relationship? Is his wife also allowed to have multiple emotional partners?

I can only go by my on expereince. I know when I was in the desire phase of limerence, it was difficult, albeit impossible to be fully attentive to my primary relationship and not distracted by the power of the fantasy. Could I now, with a far deeper level of awareness contain that desire? And even if I could, I have to consider SO's feelings and we have discussed this. She would see it as me still not dealing with my addiction and would encourage me to continue working on my core issues as opposed to revelling in my addiction.

Anyhow, good to have these questions posed and other perspectives offered and to appreciate one size doesn't fit all.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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L-F
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by L-F » Thu May 17, 2018 7:01 am

LisaTranscending wrote:
Thu May 17, 2018 4:10 am
We are talking about something way more complex than cocktail recipes....we are talking about dealing with other human beings... people we work with...live next door to...are mutual friends with spouses.... situations we can't always just walk away from. There are many ways to cope with this that don't necessarily work for one person but might be an alternatively workable solution for another. It's very individual and no right or wrong.
I'm not sure what you are taking about? Limerence? Its not you, because you have a clear message, its me and my ability to relate the above to limerence.
Just breathe...

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CelestialBody
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by CelestialBody » Thu May 17, 2018 8:11 am

The most interesting thing about his post is his inability to perceive how his behaviors can hurt others.

There is a guy just like him at my workplace. It's a running silent joke amongst my friends about how awkward he is because it's so obvious when he's lusting after a girl. Sometimes a new employee will come in, or someone with whom he's never worked before, and we all just sit back and watch like an episode of Animal Kingdom. Most women figure him out pretty quickly. But a few have fallen for him hard. He's in a supervisor position, so most of the women never express their true feelings to him. Eventually he'll lose interest in the new shiny object, leaving his last "it" girl devastated as he moves on to new prey. Like RSV, he never pursues a physical affair, leaving his trail of victims heartbroken and insecure - that is, untill they figure it out - and most do. Then they're just angry. I think a few women became limerent/obsessed over him! But he loves the attention/adoration. Classic narcissist.

I wonder if RSV is really suffering from Limerence, or something else? Maybe just a lustful disposition? Player syndrome? Is it really possible to have more than one LO at the same time, as he's described?

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David
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by David » Thu May 17, 2018 9:19 am

CelestialBody wrote:
Thu May 17, 2018 8:11 am


I wonder if RSV is really suffering from Limerence, or something else? Maybe just a lustful disposition? Player syndrome? Is it really possible to have more than one LO at the same time, as he's described?
Could be any and all of these things. One thing i've learned about these forums is I no longer bother giving my energy away to narcs that are not open to looking at themselves. I respect their opinion differs and leave it there. My ongoing mantra is we can only change ourselves.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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marko
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by marko » Thu May 17, 2018 6:53 pm

Would one even find this place if its not Limerence? Those who are as the above can be in lust, or feeling the high part of this without recognizing the down, but I'm thinking this is 100% not the place to be. If I was here at age 21, I wouldn't have seen the danger, then I again I never wondered why I was so over the top back then. Those basking are those probably not receptive to any of it. I liked the king shit feeling I got from this, but knew it was an awful myth at the same time.

Havb
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by Havb » Thu May 17, 2018 7:05 pm

L-F wrote:
Wed May 16, 2018 9:42 pm
Havb wrote:
Wed May 16, 2018 6:31 pm
Do we really need a separate thread? Why not just ignore posts you don’t agree with and let people say what they want to say? I dunno, that’s just my interpersonal style in forums.
I love the way you choose to go about things :D I love your philosophy.

You could view this section as a way to alert others that its a different POV, so as not to offend, given we are talking about those who have suffered trauma of some sort and are often trying to figure things out.

It could be viewed as a ***trigger warning*** in this regard. People are prewarned prior to reading and have an opportunity to look at it from a different angle rather than a reactive one which tends to happen when people are triggered. We all react differently and are triggered by different things. This way someone has a place to talk about a subject that is dear to their heart with people who identify with them and their situation rather than trying to swim upstream.

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:ymhug: :ymhug: a tighter one right back at you, dear
“Patience, grasshopper.” Also, “listen to your intuition.”

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Lim
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by Lim » Sat May 19, 2018 8:12 pm

One thing I think that others on here might not agree with is that, if contained and kept under control (not acted on, only fantasized about), it can be a good, temporary coping mechanism for someone who is very isolated.

There was a time before I told anyone about my situation that I was very happy with my limerence. I was in love and believed he was in love with me. I didn't expect him to end his marriage for me but I interpreted every little thing he did as evidence of his love. I had absolutely NO DOUBT about the sincerity his love for me, nor mine for him. I planned on never acting on this and just enjoying all the signs of him professing his love. It lifted me out of a long depression and made me feel really connected to another human for the first time in my life. I felt I could pretty much read his mind so I didn't have all the uncertainty that characterizes most limerence (and causes so much suffering)

Of course, this didn't last. The minute I confessed this to someone (not LO), my bubble was burst and it was probably the worst time in my life to date.

All that's to say, I know that there are much deeper issues that need to be resolved, but I think it's going to take a really really long time.
I have a huge problem making/keeping friends and have literally zero close relationships with my peers. My relationship with my family is very rocky at the moment. I live in my head and am somewhat addicted to it (and it serves me well academically and artistically) but I do need moments of closeness like everyone else. My limerence for my professor, and my delusional belief that he was madly in love with me as well, on all levels -- intellectual, emotional, sexual -- made me feel special and loved and in love without having to be in an actual relationship. And I think a real relationship with someone would likely have ended up abusive, given my inexperience, my mental state and my weird relationship to sex (I am rather averse and afraid of sex -- possibly asexual -- but also crave sexual attention and keep engaging sexually with strangers I'm not even attracted to because I feel unable to say no/sort of want the attention?).
I’m a 21 year old female (single).
My LO is a 54 year old male (married w/ kids).

JohnDeux
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Re: Alternative Truths...

Post by JohnDeux » Sat May 19, 2018 11:20 pm

Lim wrote:
Sat May 19, 2018 8:12 pm
One thing I think that others on here might not agree with is that, if contained and kept under control (not acted on, only fantasized about), it can be a good, temporary coping mechanism for someone who is very isolated......It lifted me out of a long depression and made me feel really connected to another human for the first time in my life. .... My limerence for my professor, and my delusional belief that he was madly in love with me as well, on all levels -- intellectual, emotional, sexual -- made me feel special and loved and in love without having to be in an actual relationship.
I think this is actually a possibly accurate description of *why* many of us fall into a limerence. I never really thought of it as a 'coping mechanism', but it surely came at a time when there were multiple 'lows' in my life...and LO became the most important reason I got up every morning during that period.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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