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Limerence ongoing for 5 years

For those not quite ready to start looking at their limerence as a condition that needs working on.
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sadievictoria
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Joined: Fri Aug 09, 2019 4:28 pm
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Age: 34
Great Britain

Limerence ongoing for 5 years

Post by sadievictoria » Fri Aug 09, 2019 9:54 pm

I will shorten my story as much as possible to get to my points but here we go.

I had never heard of the term limerence before but I believe it's a major issue I've had throughout my entire relationship over last 5 years. I have only ever experienced this once which is why I truly just thought this was real love and I'd never/Will never feel it again.
I have been fascinated reading up on it as most points directly relate to the way I've felt and explains a lot, differences for me more notably being that I do genuinely care about my LO, my feelings are not entirely selfish, also I seem to have controlled it enough to maintain certain boundaries.

I immediately formed a crush on an older colleague at work, I am not smooth at all and never said anything, he found out through mutual friends and asked me on a date. There has been a mix of hope and uncertainty throughout the entire relationship which I am sure now has prolonged my limerence. He was going through a divorce and had two children (I also have one the same age as his eldest) so we actually had very little time together for much of it. It was always in doubt the next dates I'd see him properly, we kept changing buildings for work so maybe got one lunch break in the week.

We split a few times. I did start the relationship stating exactly what I wanted I.e. marriage and a baby, a year in and he then calmly and casually tells me he's changed his mind over having another child. He talks about marriage a lot and even asked what dress/venue I'd want but tries to take this back until I threaten to leave as he changed the goalposts almost entirely to tailor to what he wanted. Partially my fault because he knew I would probably agree to anything to keep him. He would just completely blank me if I disagreed with something, mostly hours, sometimes a couple of days during which i could not sleep/eat properly.

We have gone from one agonizing example to another of how incompatible we are/our lives are and I stopped being completely blinded by limerance about 2 years ago. We had our final split in June this year and i still feel as in love with him as I was when we started out, still holding this ideal of what he could be/What we could have had. It is so intense, so electric, euphoric. So agonizingly painful and despairing.

It must have been a lot of pressure on him when I was really bad with it in the first 3 years as I'd break down at the slightest hint of displeasing him. He was perfect and god like in my eyes and I wanted to be perfect for him even when he called me a 50s housewife. I would do anything he wanted within reason, this included sexually which was no problem to me, I enjoyed it as much as him, I admit I am really gutted that I don't see me getting this part again haha!

I want to get better, I will. It was devastating putting all of myself and my effort into a futile relationship for the last half of my twenties but I don't know if I should feel grateful for having this feeling. I know some people are prone to it and bounce from one limerence to another but I have also read that some people only experience this once...and some are never able to recreate that feeling.

It has helped me greatly to understand the science behind it which has encouraged me to take care of my overall health even more but I got thinking.

1-before we knew about certain mental disorders/chemicals in the brain. Would limerence simply be truest love? Do we deny ourselves true love in understanding limerence should be avoided and is problematic?

2-is limerence a first world disorder?

3-has anyone gone on to have a healthy relationship after such an intense one with limerence?
Last edited by sadievictoria on Sun Mar 15, 2020 9:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Oh, what it takes out of me to lay by your side
Oh, how it aches and it aches
You make me wanna die

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NoDayDreaming
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Re: Limerence ongoing for 5 years

Post by NoDayDreaming » Sat Aug 10, 2019 2:43 am

sadievictoria wrote:
Fri Aug 09, 2019 9:54 pm
1-before we knew about certain mental disorders/chemicals in the brain. Would limerence simply be truest love? Do we deny ourselves true love in understanding limerence should be avoided and is problematic?
no, true love is based on honesty, loyalty, and giving to the other. limerence is wanting and taking for our pleasure only.
sadievictoria wrote:
Fri Aug 09, 2019 9:54 pm
2-is limerence a first world disorder?
no, we have members here from all kinds of countries.
sadievictoria wrote:
Fri Aug 09, 2019 9:54 pm
3-has anyone gone on to have a healthy relationship after such an intense one with limerence?
yes, it did improve my existing relationship with the SO. remember, if it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, LE was about the best thing that has happened in my life.

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