frightening or disgusting

[itry]

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[mycorona]

OMG! itry
We are all quite mad and our LOs are responsible. Mixed signals, hot and cold, laughing, then not laughing. We've been caught on a hook but they won't reel us in.
I could have written all your questions. And I don't know the answers to any of them
All I can say is, go on, suffer, question everything in your mind down to your chosen colour of nail polish! Things will change back and you will feel 'he loves you again' in time. - In his time! and meantime we suffer, waiting, always waiting for a scrap from their table.

I have replied to your reply to me on my other thread 'I made a mistake!'

Good luck to us all....

[marko]

Most of what you post and question is in the realm of projection. You even project onto him how you think he should be towards you. Do you want this to end, or do you still love this too much?

[itry]

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[Spadge100]

Ah Itry, I wish it was that easy.

I guess there is no way of knowing what’s in his head unfortunately. From a mans perspective he is probably also conflicted with his feelings (either that or he’s just completely selfish), but without asking outright and disclosing there is no real way of knowing.

Please don’t feel embarrassed. I am sure if he has feelings he doesn’t look at it that way. You mentioned he is nervous around you so may just not be able to articulate or is scared of his own feelings.

The only advice I can give is if you do want more then disclosure has to happen at some point. If you don’t then it’s best to start the long journey of NC and get the other side of the horrendous feelings limerence brings. I think when it comes down to it they are really only the choices there ever are unfortunately. Being friends with an LO is just not possible without causing your MH to deteriorate.

[itry]

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[Icarion]

I agree with Marko remark here.

Itry from a lot of your posts (and this topic in particular) it seems you make a lot of assumptions and projections about your LO's behavior. You describe feelings and emotions that you assume your LO is feeling too. I'm referring to :

I have always felt a spark between me and LO.
It's hard to describe, but LO has little ways in which he "seeks me" out and maintains a connection.
For the last few days however, he isn't doing that. The connection is on hold! I can't feel it. This unspoken "thing" that we had is not present anymore!

The problem with non-verbial things like these is that it could be true, yes, but it could also be your Limerent-mind "speaking" or, to be more specific, craving for his attention. With all the chemicals in our brain in the presence of LOs, more often than not, the limerent person only want to see what they hope to see and deny everything that don't go with their needs. That's what the "fog" which is often referenced in Limerence, and this forum, is.

And no wonder our brains react like this. Mixed signals, hot and cold behaviors, longing to interact with LO again, hoping to be at our best for reciprocation, racing thoughts, frustrations, doubts. That is what all limerents go throught, sometime daily.

That's mentally draining to have the brain constantly bloated by all of this.
You even said it yourself, you are nervous and behave awkwardly around your LO. Of course you are ! How could you not be around the person that crystallize all your perfection ? That is so up high on your pedestal that you are afraid to be embarassed for a "teasing remark"? Really, for a simple joke ?

Well. What i'm trying to say is that being limerent is, inevitably, a lot of stress in of itself. And so, we project.

Regularly at first, we are blinded in the fog, with the tease, the glimmer, the hoping, the longing. "Are they flirting ? Did they just glance at me ? Was that smile genuine ? Do i interest this person ? It must be, look at all these signs !" etc...
Then come the confusions, the doubts which often is the first denial for us. "Why are they pulling away ? Did i do something different ? We had so much chemistry before why has it changed now ? Maybe if i try harder LO will notice me back like before. I know if there wasn't xyz between us all would be fine !" And so on.

That's why people like to call this a rollercoaster. With all these alternating between highs and lows, these push and pull with unavailable LOs (and the limerent too, as often we have our own moral dilemmas in regard to our own SOs) the dichotomy gradually becomes subconsciously accentuated with the limerent perception of what the relation is with LO, and what the relation really is.

So, simply put, it becomes awkward.

All in all, what to make of this ?

Well, first, stop bothering yourself with the "why" about LO it will only drive you insane. He said he was busy for Christmas ? Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, you can't know and so can't we. The only one to know is himself. He is busy, fine, so be it.

In a way he is telling you to forget about him for a few days, nothing more, nothing less.
Isn't that a good thing ?
And if it isn't, start wondering why it might bother you so much. After all, Christmas is only 10 days from now, maybe your are still craving more than you thought.

Is he frightened or disgusted ? Who cares, try focusing on you and distract yourself, it will help.

Sorry for the long post, take care people !

[Spadge100]

Thanks Icarian, a really good post. I agree about all the mind tricks. My LO and I had a habit of sending cryptic messages in our group chats and zoom calls with mutual friends. As part of my
NC I am limiting my communication with these mutual female friends. I can’t put people in the middle and also it helps my recovery to not accidentally know about my LO. It’s extreme but I feel has to be done.

Hi @itry, I’m doing good thanks for asking. I feel like I am beginning to turn a corner (albeit a long one with the odd mind obstacle in the way!) is she still on my mind? Yes absolutely but I am gradually learning to live with it and not ruminate so much about what she is thinking\feeling. Ultimately it’s none of my business. I do hope she isn’t also suffering but I suspect not. She is a lot more extrovert (and level headed) than me so sure she has been able to rationalise it a lot more. I’m glad if that is the case, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, let alone someone I care deeply for.

It does sound like Avery precarious situation you are in with your LO, with him being very close to your SO. I do hope you don’t get hurt further and can come to terms with the limerent feelings.

Many men (and women I guess) find it hard to talk about their feelings, especially when he knows it is such an incendiary situation I never open up (until my LO) and will be even warier in the future as I know it can open a huge can of worms mentally.

Good luck and hope the mind madness dies down a bit for you

[itry]

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