What are your limerence-rituals and how do you manage them?

[Nowords]

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[IvB]

Nowords, itry, I agree with "taking my power back" and "losing with dignity". I already contacted LO so much, even after he communicated so little, it's embarrassing. I must seem so needy. So now it's NC forever from my side, I will not be submissive anymore, even though that's my nature in most relationships.

Itry, I had these ups and downs as well, I understand the paralysis. Often I only wanted to sleep and forget everything and not feel all this. My only wish was to not feel, just go through life without emotions. Try doing just the easiest v things, go for a walk etc.
I would love to be your friend/personal mind trainer and would love to have such a friend around as well. If you live anywhere near Barcelona Spain (I know, fat chance), here I am.
Mr. Spock, almost 5 years don't give us much hope:( I also look at men with similar haircut or on motorbikes, since he rides one. And I whenever I see his name somewhere, it's another stab. Conversations in my head too. But I have managed to go good 15 minutes some mornings before thinking of him so that's an improvement! Was she limerent too? Maybe that was the reason she stopped talking?

[Nowords]

@itry

The cravings come in waves and it is so much like addiction. Well, it is addiction frankly. I find the phrase about "bread crumbs of attention" so interesting. Ha, it could be a book title....anyway, I actually googled this and to my surprise it is an actual thing. I suppose I am slow on the uptake.

"Breadcrumbing, according to Urban Dictionary, is “when the crush has no intentions of taking things further, but they like the attention. So they flirt here or there, send dm/texts just to keep the person interested, knowing damn well they’re staying single.” Essentially, your crush is leaving you a trail of romantic breadcrumbs that leads to nowhere"

I did find comfort in one thing as a result of looking this up...and it was this:

..."While there are certainly people in the world who get some kind of enjoyment out of stringing people along, she likes to believe that the vast majority aren’t hurting their partners on purpose. “I think for the most part this happens because of social anxiety and a lack of being able to verbalize feelings,” she says".

The "lack of being able to verbalize feelings" is what got my attention as well as the not stringing along on purpose. This insight has further confirmed my sense of what is happening and it further brings me to a place of forgiveness which, for me, is vital to get past the pain. It is obviously complicated and we all find our own way of dealing with LE, but that is the point of forums like this...is finding a way to cope and to let go of the pain not the person.

[Spadge100]

Thanks nowords for the research, very inciteful.

I am at the point of regretting ever having contact again with my LO which in some ways is good. It feels like the hard memories endured during the enforced breakup and subsequent NC are starting to outweigh the good memories.

Forgiveness is a difficult one. I don’t feel I have anything to forgive her for. We had to end contact in June when we realised what we were in so it was largely mutual. I only sent two or three updates after this point that went ignored, followed by a final goodbye exchange in early October. I don’t believe she strung me along and believe it was mutual. We were always very open and honest and exchanged 100s of messages a day.

I have tried demonising her but it just makes me feel worse. What gives me the most peace is believing she is happy, has used the experience positively and is moving on with her SO. I can’t cling to hope that one day we will meet or speak again as this will ultimately keep the limerence alive so I have to believe our paths will never cross again, despite the sadness this brings.

[Spadge100]

And I sincerely hope I don’t get any breadcrumbs, despite how hungry I am for them!!

[IvB]

Agree, I keep thinking that the way he communicated with me clearly he wanted me to leave him alone so by doing that, I make him happy. And that I want. And whatever else I may want, I try to come to terms with the fact that I can't have everything in life.

[MrSpock]

Hi Itry,

LO lives in the same town, relatively close to my home (and I work home even regardless of the quarantine), so any place I go, she could potentially be there. Additionally, when I drive somewhere, and her house is in some of the possible trajectories, I have to talk myself really hard out of passing by her house.

Ever since she stop talking to me, in our imaginary conversations, she argues, or complains or whatever. She treats me far worse than in real life (where she just started ignoring me like I'm invisible, but that's all). It's kind of psychologically interesting how I myself put words in her mouth that might have nothing do do with how she could really be. Unlike many other limerence cases, mine is special in the sense that we had always a extremely limited relationship circumscribed to the TKD classes we share. We never talked outside, and even inside, we talked very very little. So in a way she is a stranger and I know nothing about her.

[itry]

(deleted)

[Spadge100]

Hi itry

I kind of agree that NC forever is a hard concept to get your head around. Now I have been NC for just over two months it still hits me like a sledgehammer at times that we will never ave contact again, really fills me with sadness.

I can understand your longing for more contact but it’s hard to knock them off that pedestal with all the brain chemicals. Even things you usually would t like you compensate for.

I share the neediness and embarrassment. Even though I don’t let them know I feel those things just for thinking about them. It’s crazy really and all in my head.

It’s hard when you believe you can “save” them. It was just a small subtle signal to me that my LO was unhappy, a tear on my shoulder that hooked me in again after 27 years.

I think the only remedy is to attempt to distract yourself. With absolutely anything that takes your mind away from LO but that’s easier said than done!!

Try not to dwell too much on the like you posted. I have a handful of mutual friends and have found it useful to change my FB settings so they are still friends but I don’t see anything they post. It’s almost extreme NC as I am effectively cutting off a whole friendship group as part of NC but I found I had to do that for my own sanity.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

[Nowords]

@itry,

I’ve concluded my LO has a hard time with expressing feelings. She did with me for years in a way but it was more about keeping me engaged in the relationship. She pursued me really aggressively and frankly I was not as into it as she was. She knew that and went the extra mile to keep my attention. But, when she backed away and basically detached, all of the feelings went away. But it dawned on me in retro she never did get very deep into expressing her true feelings in words. I don’t thing that is something she really can do all that well. I wonder if it is her own insecurities?

The cravings in waves. Hell, I wish I had a technique to push the waves back. I have not figured it out. The chemical balance must change in our minds each day as some days it’s so easy to cope, while other days I’m a wreak. I do wonder if diet, sleep, etc contributes. It must. Maybe taken better care of me would help balance things. I dunno. Today sucked. She was in my head deeper than usual and it was as torture. I keep checking email and such to see if I get the magical “I am sorry I’ve been this way and we need to figure this out” note that I know deep down will never come. And. It shouldn’t.