BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

Here we go again!!!!!!

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Post Reply
User avatar
Ceridwen
Posts: 37
Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2019 4:46 pm
Gender:
Age: 60
United States of America

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by Ceridwen »

@itry
"10 years - (yikes)" Before I found this forum a little over a year ago, I had never heard the term "limerence" although as soon as I did (through a podcast LOL) and started googling I realzied this is what I was suffering from, and actualy that began my healing. Prior to that I was caught in a roller coaster because it wasn't a "one sided" attraction. My LO and I both were attracted to one another and initially he wanted to have an affair (not his first experience with that physically but I think it was the first emotionally) I couldn't bring myself to physically have an affair but because I was quickly addicted to the attention and 'feel good' of all his contact in the beginning I was drawn into the emotional affair. I also did not understand in the beginning that my LO is narcissitic and through the years it was a constant push me, pull me ... He would "love bomb' me until he had me eating out of his hand and then out of the blue 'ghost' me and not return texts or contact me for weeks. Needless to say I was in a constant emotional roller coaster. The "black out" times where he would not answer my messages etc. ate me up. talk about pining and not being able to think of anything else. ugg.
As for being "fully recovered" I kind of feel like this is like any substance addiction and you never "fully"recover. I am recovered enough to not want to go back down that rabbit hole and so I don't allow myself to get pulled in.

as @IvB says I want to mother him, and @spadge said she cried on his shoulder, this is how it started int he beginning for us. He had found out his teenage daughter was cutting herself, for whatever reason he turned to me to open up to about his feelings on this and literally cried on the phone with me... I became this "go to" person for him through many family crisis after this throughout the years... probably still am as I still consider myself his best true friend. I know all his faults and ugly sides but love him still depsite them, he knows this. I used to get angry that even though I was always there for him when he needed me, he was not there for me... then I realized that's on me for having expectations he wasn't capable of filling. So I had a perspective shift. I either had to stop being there, or be there knowing he was not ever going to be that "rock" for me. Now that I'm not as emotionally invested that is easier. I really do still care for him as a person.

@Nowords regarding your attempts at NC, I found a NC rule to be like going cold turkey quitting smoking. I handle these kinds of things better when I have a "choice" like when I quit smoking I still carried around cigarettes but chose not to smoke, If i didn't have cigarettes with me I couldn't stop thinking about wanting one LOL. Weird I know, but it's the only way I could do it was giving myself a choice and choosing to abstain. Having the choice taken away from me just made me want to rebel. Same with NC. If I wanted to now I could contact my LO and he would respond etc, but knowing at least it's possible, I am able to choose not to. As the past 9 months have worn on that has gotten easier and easier. I don't think about it every 5 minutes, in the old days I could tell you exactly the last date/time I talked to him and what about... now I really can't remember. I can go all day sometimes a couple days without even giving him a thought. This is freaking amazing to me because for SO LONG I was literally crippled with constant thoughts about where he was, what was he doing, who was he with etc. SOOOOO thankful that is over and I NEVER want to go back there again.

I hope you all keep on this forum and find people who's stories are similar to yours and help you. There is no magic wand unfortunately but you WILL get past this if you keep trying and trust me it's amazing when you do.

xoxox
Ceridewen
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by IvB »

Itry, I understand you so well. I too want to mother everyone (even my husband sometimes complains) and it hurts that I am not able to. But what helps me enormously is knowing/seeing that he really doesn't need me. That he has support from his family and friends and is not pining for me. That makes me much calmer. Of course you don't have this luxury now as your LO is having trouble but what about the rest of the family, do they support him? Would he actually want you to take care of him?
Also, don't worry, I too know everything in my head but my heart can't accept it. It's not stupidity but this chemical dissonance between brain and heart.
And while I would say "don't cry", in fact crying always helps me to get rid of the intensive emotions. Also, try some supplements, I started taking Ashwagandha which is supposed to help with anxiety and depression and while it might be the placebo effect, I do feel calmer and more leveled.

Ceridwen, my limerence started exactly the same way as yours, he pulled me into it. Only he is not a narcissist, but still, your and Spadges recovery story gives me hope.
itry

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by itry »

Ceridwen, thank you for sharing your story. I am glad for you and wish your recovery continues and you get better and better each day until such time that none of this affects you negatively. I have also noticed a few traits of covert narcissism in my LO, but then it could be limerence because limerence does make us do strange things. (LO and I haven't confessed but I am sure he is limerent for me.)

IvB, thank you so much again for your comforting words.
Good questions...
"... what about the rest of the family, do they support him?"
LO's immediate family (his mother, father) are not very supportive. He has pretty much cut himself off from them, he only keeps in touch with my SO because aside from being cousins they have been good friends too since childhood.
"Would he actually want you to take care of him?"
I think this is the crux of my problem! I am not able to tell myself that he will reject me/my help. In fact, I've got this idea in my mind, based on months and months of analysis of his behaviour around me, that he wants my help, he wants someone like me in his life. As I read it, from everything that he does and says around me, he is begging for help from me! Not even a "sisterly" sort of help, it's more like ... "I wish you were my partner, you are the woman who would have kept me from falling apart" kind of feeling he gives me from his side.
I am hoping this is my limerent mind's illusion, but I can't know for sure unless I disclose, which is impossible!
Did your LO ever give you this feeling, maybe in early days when you had not disclosed?
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by Spadge100 »

@ceridwen, I love the comparison to smoking. I have been an on\off smoker all my life. I can only quit when I know the time is right, but stupidly a few years down the line I think I can just get away with one and then before I know it I’m smoking again!

I also now realise I used to gamble when what I now know was a coping mechanism for my bipolar. When I started to feel bad earlier in the year I thought having a friend I could open up to was a healthier coping mechanism but turned out I couldn’t have been more wrong and the person addiction kicked in. This is then where the contacts become ladened with guilt and shame, much like gambling.

I am trying to now focus my energies on healthy coping mechanisms. Swimming, yoga, meditation and learning about limerence and addiction. At some point I will also quit smoking but I’m not quite ready for that.

I definitely have a tendency to try and protect those I love a bit too much. During COVID that became an almost impossible task! I am learning to let go of being a carer (definitely stems from childhood as I had to care for my mum through early\teenage years).

@nowords 20 and 30 days is a great achievement! Especially in these crazy COVID times.

@itry I so wish I wasn’t that shoulder to cry on. It’s really hard to switch off that protecting instinct. Remember you will never think rationally unfortunately while limerent, so while you know logically you can’t fix them that won’t stop you wishing you could. Don’t beat yourself up for being like that, it’s an awesome trait but unfortunately open to abuse by some.

These chats and insights are a huge massive help in keeping me on the right path. Thanks
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by IvB »

Itry, he did but it was at a stage where I wasn't limerent yet and didn't even consider having any kind of affair with him. And then, when I was, he already started acting indifferently so I don't actually know if he still wants it. But more importantly, I couldn't do it anyway, I could never leave my husband, it would destroy him. Would you actually be able to do it?
Spadge, it be seems so unfair for you, such an innocent coping mechanism as having a friend turns out to be wrong as well. How could you know, of course. I am now also rethinking all my communication with the opposite sex, will definitely be more careful not to get too friendly with anyone in future. And as for addiction, I am so grateful that I don't have any tendencies like drinking or smoking, as it turns out I would never be able to quit!
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by Spadge100 »

Ivb definitely don’t take up smoking!! 😀

I don’t think she maliciously set out to cause any pain that’s for sure. I don’t hold any malice in my heart, it is what it is. We both made a silly naive mistake thinking we could be friends but brain chemicals have different ideas.

I too am a lot more wary about striking up conversations with the opposite sex. I have many female friends but keep it very appropriate. I do think though that it’s safe if the glimmer isn’t there but maybe that’s wishful thinking so will air on the side of caution!!
itry

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by itry »

@Spadge100
Oh no! Please don't forsake our entire sex due to your experience with LO ... who knows you might miss out on a good friend. I personally think men and women can become really good friends, without that kind of attraction necessarily taking hold.
BTW my LO smokes too (and not just regular cigarettes I suspect!) he says he wants to quit but can't.
Sorry to hear about your Bipolar disorder, was it onset by your limerence you think?
My own limerence often causes me to go through highs and lows of emotions all day, which gets very tough to manage sometimes, if you are trying to live a so-called normal life.

@IvB
I'd say the same to you, don't give up on all men, who knows you might find a good friend in someone.
"...Would you actually be able to do it?"
Truth be told, no. SO and I have some serious issues but I wouldn't want to leave him for another man, however I would definitely like an EA with my LO, I don't see EA as "cheating" anymore. SO is unable to provide emotional closeness, I have tried but he is not that kind of a person. You need a mature, sensible as well as sensitive man for that. But I am beginning to think my LO can't be that person either, he is too childish and erratic :(
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi itry

I wouldn’t really give a whole gender a wide berth. I do have friends of the opposite sex and have no problems. I have only really felt attracted to maybe three women in my life and to reconnect with one of those after 27 years was just the perfect recipe for limerence.

I think I have always had bipolar but never had the perfect set of circumstances to trigger the manic depressive episode that led to me being hospitalised. I recognise now while the relationship was in full swing I was on a massive high, little sleep, full of creativity and energy. The crash was horrendous and unfortunately my doctor increased my Prozac at that time which is not good for bipolar and triggered paranoia, delusions and suicidal tendencies. I am massively grateful to now be on the right medication but it has led to a more depressed state which is definitely linked to the limerence. It’s very hard to discuss with my MH team as the concept of limerence has so little understanding in the medical profession.

It’s definitely been a good day today on the limerent front. Reframing her as selfish has helped but who knows what tomorrow will bring! 😀😀
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by IvB »

Indeed, not giving up on males in general but I seem to be a demi-sexual. I only get attracted physically after I got to know someone and like them as a person. So someone can be handsome and I don't feel anything but if we start talking and I like them, I may get attracted physically even to not-so-handsome individual before I realize it. So as you see, I need to be careful.
Spadge, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be living with this condition. Very glad you are doing well.
Itry, I am sorry that you don't get the emotional support from any side, no wonder you fell for LO. What about your family/friends?
itry

Re: Here we go again!!!!!!

Post by itry »

IvB, omg you are so similar to me! I am also what you call a demi-sexual! :)

I have Family or Origin issues, it wasn't a happy home where I grew up. SO was good to me in the early days. We used to connect well but lately he has become somewhat emotionally distant, but overall he isn't bad.
So there we are... sad children, sad grown ups, sad partners in the grips of Limerbeast! :(

Spadge100, hope you had a good day.
Mine wasn't so great to be honest. Craving him badly, ruminating!
Ended up checking if he has been online, turns out he hasn't been seen for quite some time.
Where is he? What is he doing? What is he thinking? Did my thought occur even once today?
Huhh! :(
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 14 guests