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Beating myself up

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Since2013
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2020 9:47 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Beating myself up

Post by Since2013 »

Hi All. Hope you are all doing well, had a good weekend and are coping.

Just need to vent. I went a week avoiding then saw him the following week, just once. Just eye contact, no exchange of words. Re-committed to avoiding this week. Listen, I did not want to see him today because I am way too dependent on the high it gives me. I'm sick, but I can still think straight and I know that the more we see each other, the more likely it is that we will end up talking and may be going further.

Decided that I would walk from 7-7:30. Showered, dressed, etc. all while watching the clock. The naive me thought that I could leave at 7:00 and be well out of his way since he doesn't pass by until approx. 7:05. Walked halfway down my street then looked at the clock. It was 7:01, but i thought I had time if I walk quickly. Well guess what? He was turning the corner at 7:02. As strong as my feelings are for him, I was mortified. I kept walking and walked rather quickly. Sure he saw me, but I feel like a complete idiot. I have planned on seeing and have seen him at the corner at 7:05 so many times, but honestly, that wasn't the plan today. I continued my walk, but I was very upset. So then the grown-up me had to think it through and have a "search your feelings Luke" timeout. Was thinking I psyched myself into believing that I didn't want to see him, when I actually did. I stand by the fact that I was really trying to avoid him today.

After today, I can't let him see me again. I am going to continue to pray on it and just as God to take this away from me. It's too much.
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Beating myself up

Post by marko »

Removal before revelation usually isn't how it works. Walking this path uncovers what it is that keeps you on it. When you find bottom, you often find out you just started. Why would God want to spare you from what you need--no matter how sharp it might get for you.
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