Question about disclosure

[Saswo]

Anyone that has disclosed to their LO - did you tell them about Limerence, maybe even got them to read up about it? There might be many people out there that haven’t even heard of it so is it easier to say to have a crush? Also I suppose someone could find it outright creepy to have someone else obsess about them in such a way?

Although I am telling myself it’s most likely the worst idea ever I’m considering disclosing to my boss to explain why I have to go as much LC as I can. Perhaps if he knows it would help me get over it quicker. There’s no chance at reciprocation.

[JMS164]

I understand your temptation well. I would expect it to come and go, at times. At least, it has for me.

I think disclosing to your boss with the hope that it will magically wash away your feelings is a bad idea. It may result in consequences you come to regret. There are many examples of disclosure on here where the individual remained limerent and paid a hefty price. There's also the issue of what you're talking about, which is the age old question of exactly how much to disclose. I think your gut about limerence is correct. Most people would be immediately turned off or frightened by the idea that someone is obsessed with them. Frankly, if their reaction is positive it's a giant red flag.

I understand wanting to explain your reasons for going LC, but if you analyze your true motivations, you'll realize it's limbrain. You say there's no chance he reciprocates, but do you actually believe that? Dig deep enough, and you'll find the hope, whether it's justified or not.

If you still want to disclose consistently for an entire month and do not care how it affects you at your place of employment, with the readiness and expectation that you will be fired or pushed out, then do it. I've continuously come to the conclusion over the past year that it's ultimately not worth it myself. Too much risk and no guaranteed reward is a shitty gamble. And now, I don't want to disclose at all! And if you do disclose, DO NOT MENTION LIMERENCE. It's a big-time mistake.

[Pandora]

I'm going to put it another vote for 'It's not worth it'. My circumstances were different than yours - I'm married, I don't think he was (I don't even know him enough to know that for sure!) and he wasn't someone I worked with or had to spend time with. I disclosed to my last LO. I didn't tell him about limerence, just said that I was getting infatuated with him and needed to step away. I think it made him want to chase me to a certain extent, and as I fell more and more out of limerence, it made everything awkward.

I think it's human nature to want to be close to people who have positive feelings for us. I know this board posts a lot about how LOs are narcissists and revel in our attention, and while it is undoubtedly true for a lot of situations here, I also think that it's just human nature to want to feel loved and valued. It takes a very secure and emotionally mature person to hear something like 'I'm growing too infatuated with you and need to put some distance between us' and be able to not get entangled in their own neediness/ego needs. The desire for disclosure is ultimately a way of creating more intimacy in a relationship, which is what limerence thrives off of as well.

As for mentioning limerence itself, definitely don't do that, and ESPECIALLY don't send them articles or encourage them to read up on it. Once again it's something that creates more intimacy, and we are essentially laying our pain and anguish at their feet and demanding they think about us and our plight and hopefully feel sympathy for us. We're trying to force an emotional bond on them. The LO owes us nothing, not the bond that comes from confessing something so deep and painful, and not doing their own research to understand what hell we're in. This is especially inappropriate to ask of a boss, no matter how wonderful your connection is.

[WishMagick]

I (tried to) disclosed to my neighbor in April. It's a really big drama story, but, I actually ended up saying some of what I was going to say to his wife. Didn't plan that at all! I was going to change my mind, and she forced it out of me. The word obsessed was thrown in the conversation (I didn't say it, she did). She used the word crush and I just let her / them run with it. But, I am sure she relayed the "obsession" part to him.

He still wanted to be friends, but I went NC and ignored him for 2.5 months.

To answer your question, it didn't do anything for my limerence. It actually made it worse in the beginning because he didn't reject ME like I was hoping. I also knew that he didn't reciprocate. I thought that I would explain a lot of details of my obsession, but not use the word limerence. I was going to compare it to being addicted to a drug. I thought he would understand and maybe even try to help. He wouldn't even let me talk to him about it. I emailed him asking if we could talk in private and his wife confronted me afterwards saying that I was going behind her back (I suppose they both thought that I was going to proposition him for sex).

So, what happened was he told me that he wasn't interested in swinging with me and my husband. But, they both wanted things to go back to the way they were before and pretend like it never happened.

I didn't want that, as I was trying to get over my addiction to LO, so I withdrew. Now everyone ignores everyone. And I am still friends on FB with my LO and we interact with each other's posts occasionally.

Things are super weird, and I am still limerent.

Disclosure works if there is a CLEAR rejection. It's worked for me in the past. But, the lesson is, you can't control how someone else handles your disclosure. You can't make someone respond the way you want to. Your LO might do something totally different than what you expect. That's what happened to me!!

[Saswo]

Thanks everyone so much! This is exactly what I NEEDED to hear but didn’t want to. I’m so glad I posted as otherwise I think I would have gone into work Monday and disclosed (oh my) - it’s so so true that it’s just my limbrain coming up with this idea but being so entangled with it I tried to ignore it.

I thought one “saver” option could be to say (and only if he’d asked me why my behaviour had changed) I can’t tell him as I’d risk loosing my job and then he might put two and two together - or not. So probably not a good plan either!

I think I go back to my “old plan” - if one of us ever resigns I mention I liked him lots and had a crush on him. That way there’s no danger for my career or anything as I also don’t think we’d keep in contact outside of work - given we have ZERO in common as well!

Again appreciate everyone’s input and telling your own stories and stopping me from making a big big mistake!!

[Icarion]

Agreed with the others.

The need for full disclosure is always a bad idea regardless of the case.

It boil down to another endeavor from the limerent brain to force a reaction on the LO whatever the way you sugarcoat it. Either to reciprocate or to "fix" the situation for us.

This is one last attempt on our part to regain some semblance of control of the situation. This is an illusion no matter how you rationalize it.
As Pandora and Wish said

[...] You can't make someone respond the way you want to. Your LO might do something totally different than what you expect. That's what happened to me!!

[...] we are essentially laying our pain and anguish at their feet and demanding they think about us and our plight and hopefully feel sympathy for us. We're trying to force an emotional bond on them. The LO owes us nothing, not the bond that comes from confessing something so deep and painful, and not doing their own research to understand what hell we're in. This is especially inappropriate to ask of a boss, no matter how wonderful your connection is.

You don't need to explain in details why you must go LC to your LO, just as much as the LO doesn't have to understand why you react the way you do. In my case, i had to learn that truth the hard way.

At first i disclosed my feelings toward my LO and got politely rejected. It was cordial, i had my answer right there. But after further interactions it was so awkward and painful that i felt i needed to explain why i had to go full NC. I needed my LO to understand the struggle and turmoils i went throught. I needed to share my pain and distress as, the way i saw it, my LO didn't make a big deal of it and was already trying to move on like nothing happened. So i decided to be upfront about it and did talk about Limerence, this forum, what i posted, everything.

The only thing it accomplished was that i got a phone call a few days later where i got scolded for an hour. LO freaked out and was horrified of how i viewed and wrote about her for a year and that she had no idea that i was in so much pain and conflict but also how i was an "obsessive monster/sicko" and how i "twisted everything wrong" in this relationship. That she felt both betrayed and disgusted that i shared with strangers on the internet and objectified her. So i responded that if in her view that is what all theses years boiled down to, we might as well cut the ties for good. Which we did. 10+ years of friendship down the drain for an urge.

So in the end, did talking about limerence worked ? Yes.
But with consequences i didn't anticipate.

And was it worth it ? No.
Because we were both out of line with it.
LO didn't have to gaslight and look down on my thoughts, fears and process like i was some sort of psychopath.
-BUT- i also shouldn't have forced all that emotional baggage and pressure on her either. Like a lot of people said over and over again on here, limerence is about us, not the LO. It is a burden of a journey of our own to bare and overcome. Not a crutch to share and hide behind to justify our struggles.

So long story short : Don't disclose on your boss about limerence. It freaks people out. always. And in your situation this could have repercussions on your workplace, it's not worth the hassle.

If you really have to justify, a crush is enough.

whatever your decision, this forum will always be there to support you. We have been there too.

[Thought Loop]

Wow. Good advice Icarion. Thank you so much for sharing!

[Saswo]

Yes agree - thanks so much for sharing your words of wisdom Icarion! It does really put things into perspective like that and you are absolutely right it would not be worth the hassle and potential repercussions for the work place.

I’m sorry to hear that you have experienced this first hand yourself but thankful you’re saving me from making the same mistake. It’s so tempting wanting to share this all with LO - and forget that yes indeed it can come across as creepy and “abnormal” for someone that has never experienced LE themselves.

[Teana]

My experience is a bit different. My LO also is my coworker. But before any disclosure, he invited me out for a date. Then he canceled and it left me crushed and confused. So I disclosed to him ( nothing about obssession, limerence extend) and he told me he wants to be my friend. We agreed to be friends, went out and be called it a date. We ended up somehow dating but it was most painful experience with him being commitement phobe.
I Know rejection works, but it must be clear. As I found out not everybody rejects you , and many will keep you in a grey area of confusion.

[Chicklit]

Here is my two cents!

Before you decide whether to disclose or not, you have to do some ground work. What I mean is, you apply some creativity and talk with him in metaphor. It's not an easy way to communicate and if you are not used to it, it may seem very awkward to suddenly start talking like that. But if you have a rapport with him and you can talk like that, then think about it and see if you can try it.

TBH I'm not so good at it either but let me try and give you an example to explain.

You say something like this -
"A friend of mine is going through some stress these days. I'm going to call him tonight, he wants my advice and talk things through. His problem is that he has fallen for a friend's wife! He really likes her but it's not appropriate obviously. But he says he can't stop thinking about her, it's even disrupting his work. The thing is, this is a very good friend of his and the wife acts very nicely towards him. They often invite him over for lunch/dinner.
He told me he doesnt want to loose this friendship, and he is not doing any of this on purpose, it just happens! He said he feels very guilty and the whole thing keeps him highly stressed! He is thinking about telling the truth to his friend's wife and coming clean so that he can ask her for some distance. Do you think that's a good idea? I don't know what kind of advice to give in this situation."

Your aim of this talk is to figure out his attitude towards a situation like this.
You carefully watch how he reacts. If he starts making fun of your hypothetical friend for being a fool in love, then you will know he isn't a mature enough person to be told about anything like this.
If he starts to vilify your friend for his inappropriate behaviour then once again he can't be trusted with disclosure.
But if he shows any signs of understanding / sympathy towards your friend, then you can explore his opinion by further communication.
All if this has to be done with patience and care over a period of time, but ultimately you can get some clarity and decide for yourself what you need to do.

All the best!