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I am an LO- what to do

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UnwittingLO

I am an LO- what to do

Post by UnwittingLO »

Hello,

I have recently learned I have a 'stalker,' but perhaps the more appropriate wording is that I've discovered someone I know from the past is experiencing limerence for me.

I met A in July 2017 in another country- he was my foreign language teacher, and I was in a class with several internationals. I was attracted to him, so I gave him my contact info as I was leaving so that I could continue lessons long-distance. Our correspondence over text and Skype went on for a few months, and it was flirtatious/romantic. But it didn't take me long to see that he was needy and demanding. By January 2018 I told him that I did not see us as more than friends. Because he was a good teacher (demand leads to achievement), I continued lessons from afar, and we took a planned trip together as friends March 2018. Still, he was very needy, jealous, and annoyingly continued to push boundaries. I began to distance myself more and more. Around June 2018 he told me he was making plans to come teach in my country (far from me). I stopped Skype lessons since he was getting busy. I'm not sure how often we communicated at this time, but I definitely barely thought about him and was developing other relationships. Through our infrequent contact, it was clear that he didn't have anyone to spend the holidays with because he didn't know anyone. (He didn't have any friends in his own country either- social skills are definitely a challenge for him.) I felt bad, so I let him come to my house for Christmas. I made it very clear that we were nothing more than friends and that my family would be with me the whole visit. He stayed with a 'friend' of his in a neighboring town during this 4-5 day visit. As the holiday went on, it became clear that he thought we could get back together. He took offhand remarks I made as secret messages that I wanted to be with him. He insisted on meeting up with me alone, and I had to continually communicate no.

I asked him to Skype the day after he returned to his own region of the country. On Dec 30, 2018, I told him that I wanted to not have contact any longer because he couldn't handle being friends. He demanded to know why, so I spent the next two hours detailing every complaint I had: he thinks about me too much, has no friends, he's not good with money, he's annoying, we're not compatible, etc. He seemed to think that he needed to 'agree' to end the relationship, but I said no, I could end it on my own. I finally had to end the Skype was my family was waiting for me- he just couldn't let go. He cried on the Skype but agreed that he wouldn't contact me anymore.

The next day he emailed me to say he knows he shouldn't contact me, but he wants me to know he'll always be there for me. I wrote back politely and said thanks.

June 2019 he emailed me happy birthday and I wrote back a polite "thanks!" (Unfortunately I was naive and didn't enforce my boundary.)

November 2019 he emailed me thanks for my influence on him and that he now lives in my country more permanently. Again, I wrote a polite thanks back.

January 2020 he texted me that he was now living in the city next to mine and let me know when I want to meet up. I didn't even know whose number it was at first- took me a while to figure out it was A. I was shocked that he was contacting me and that he had moved so close to me- I had barely thought of him in a year. I wrote back that he should not contact me in any way, ever, and that I was talking to a police friend about the situation. I figured he would contact me again (intuition?) but I thought he would wait for his birth month and my birth month. I was right.

May 2020 I got a phone call with shuffling/silence on the other end. It was from a phone number of his original area, but not the last phone number I knew of his. May is his birth month.

June 2020 I got a doorbell ring/knock the day after my birthday. When I got to my door, no one was there. I knew it was him. I had turned on my cameras to record all day the day prior, expecting him to do something on my birthday. I messed up and didn't have the cameras running the next day. (That is now fixed- cameras are constantly recording now.) So I have no proof it was actually him, but I had a very strong suspicion.

I thought he was done. Maybe he had to go back to his home country, I hoped.

Surprisingly, on July 4 2020 I got a text from him saying "Hi! Are you still mad at me?" I had gotten advice to make sure he had received my "don't contact me" text from January, so I asked him if he received it. He responded yes, but didn't I think that was unfair and then proceeded to send two texts begging me to see him. I did not respond to him any further.

I filed an online police report for harassment and uploaded the texts. This was on the advice of a neighbor friend who is in law enforcement.

July 5 2020 I got more texts from him, all friendly, saying that we should go dancing soon and that he will contact me whenever he likes, whether that's 6 months from now, a year from now, or 10 years from now. He signed off something similar to 'bye for now!'

Obviously I added these texts to my report and did not respond to him.

I stumbled upon this group and forum after intensive google searching about this situation. I don't really think A is violent- he has never been violent with me in the past. Instead, he's been more sad, desperate, needy... I am doing a ton of things to increase my security because I don't know how he will handle this rejection. I believe I have burst his fantasy. However, as I'm realizing has now happened many times, I think that with time he will re-build that fantasy and will reach out to me again. Because I got the phantom knock, I believe he has learned where I live.

My question to you all is- do you think this is common limerence? Or do you believe this has pushed past that point to stalking? My biggest concern is how close he has gotten to me geographically. He has steadily moved closer.

Please let me know if you have any advice for me.
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Sara
Posts: 303
Joined: Wed Jul 10, 2019 8:06 pm
Gender:
France

Re: I am an LO- what to do

Post by Sara »

Hmm its spooky because even if he is limerent for you, the fact that you asked him repeatedly to stop contacting you and he hasnt is not normal!!
I would never do that if my LO asks me to stop reaching out.
In fact i would be so ashamed and mortified because the whole point of limerence is to get validation from your LO that you are a worthy individual.
So i would say you are doing the right thing to file a report his obsession is taking an unusual turn...
Good luck!!! Please keep safe.
And also stop responding to him! Block him so you get no text no phonecalls from him anymore.
Otherwise he will keep interpretating every single thing you say or do
JMS164
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2020 8:29 pm
United States of America

Re: I am an LO- what to do

Post by JMS164 »

I've got to say, there were a lot of mixed signals at the beginning, but ultimately you've been clear for awhile about not wanting contact with "A".

Keep law enforcement involved and make sure family and friends are aware he is continuing to contact you. This is not limerence. This is potentially dangerous stalking behavior. Yes, limerents may obsess and ruminate, but harrassment is not actually part of the illness. Sara hit the nail on the head! A limerent is more likely to go dark and push away from LO if rejection is on the table. It doesn't mean they accept it or their feelings suddenly disappear, but we aren't dangerous people. I hope everything turns out okay.
"Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in." — Robert Seidenberg
UnwittingLO

Re: I am an LO- what to do

Post by UnwittingLO »

I really appreciate both of your replies and insight; thank you so much. I guess I wish this were limerence, but I can acknowledge that it is unfortunately more. :( Thanks to the creator of this forum and for all of you for your support to each other and to me.
Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: I am an LO- what to do

Post by Acrobatica »

I just want to second two things. (1) Keep the police involved, (2) don’t respond to any further contact from him. No thank yous. No inquiries.

While many of us are obsessive, we are usually responding to mixed signals. This guy, with his insistence that he will continue to contact you even after you made it clear you do not want a further relationship, sounds scary. I wish you well.
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