Problems with suggested "healing steps"

[Altruist Avocado]

Hi, i'm a 30m who recently got in a fight with his LO. The main core of the fight was a trust issue; i didn't respect their bonduaries, and the end result is that now we've agreed on a "forced" NC for at least some months. Just for reference, i've know the LO for ten years, i've confessed to them very early in our relationship and got rebuffed, settled for "being friends", but with a one-sided crush from my side.
Now, from my understanding of the suggested "healing steps", this could actually be a good thing - NC, from what i read there, both on most posts and the general guidelines in the website, is the fastest way to clean oneself of the addiction.
But i have an issue with that. The point is, i *don't* want to actually completly cut bridges with my LO. I've know them for 10 years, and apart from the limerence, i do feel friendship/love toward them. I have never felt manipulated by them; if everything, i've been the one trying to "manipulate" not as much them as the situation to get more attention to feed my addiction to them. I wish i could have a normal friendship with them - not this monstrous need to be recognized and constantly reassured by them.
Also, it's not my first time getting in this situation; limerence has always been how i approach my relationships with the person i love. I simply give them my whole, undivided worship. I can't stop myself from doing it. But the other times, the worship turned into a burning hatred (which i haven't came over even after more than ten years). I do not want this relationship to end like that. I do care about them.

So, my main issue with the suggested healing steps is that they suggest to cut off completly contacts with your LO. My question is: is there a mean to treat the limerence itself, without burning bridges with the LO? I have seen some posts here that have made comparisons between limerence and a food/sex addiction/OCD; you can't do without those, so you have to learn to discipline and steel oneself against them. Is it possible to do something similiar in regard to limerence?

[Pandora]

From my experience: maybe, but probably not.

I've been a member of a 12 step program for food addiction, and I've dabbled with SLAA as well, so my responses are coloured by my experiences there. The recommendation for food is to avoid binge foods - so for most people, it'll be something like 'no sugar/no flour' or a list like 'No more ice cream bars'. With abstinence in sex addiction programs, they do recommend you go without sex/masturbation/porn/whatever your issue is for 90 days. Some people in relationships even tell their partners 'I can't have sex with you for three months'. So, I mean, there is always some element of 'giving up' when it comes to addiction.

However, in my own experience, it really depends. With my latest LO we only had a relationship based on texting for two years because we don't have the opportunity to see each other in person. A few things happened to dim my fascination with him, but for me a big one was that I stopped masturbating. That pretty much killed any last vestiges of obsession I had for him. We still text, but at this point I don't really care. With other LOs I've had in the past, the only way I've been able to be free of my mental obsession with them was to go NC. These LOs were the ones I saw in person frequently.

Another however is that we can't really judge our motives until we're free of limerence. It may be that you do have genuine feelings of friendship for your LO, or it might be that limerence is looking for any excuse to hold onto the relationship. In any case, in your scenario, your LO has already requested NC. My advice to you would be to take the chance to take as much NC as you need. If she wants NC for two months, but at the end of the NC you feel like your limerence is still there? Tell her you need to extend it. Stay NC until you can feel some clarity around your situation with her. Don't stalk her social media accounts or ask mutual friends how she is. Be as free from her as possible.

As a side note, there's a concept in addiction where the addict doesn't want to give up their addiction, they just want to be free from the consequences of it. With that mindset it's impossible to actually recover, in my experience. It looks like you're well on your way to burning this bridge anyway, so you can either do it with grace and say 'I need to do longer NC' or just continue irritating her until she cuts you out for good.

'OK, but what do I do when I'm NC to overcome limerence?' You ask. And to be honest, I don't have a good answer for that. My current journey is that without limerence, I was able to see more of what lay underneath my limerence. For me, my constant romantic fantasizing has fed into limerence, and beneath that fantasizing are feelings of low self-esteem, fear of the outside world, yada yada. It's been an organic sort of growth for me, but I wish there was some sort of handy 'Overcoming Limerence' handbook for us. Maybe one day there will be.

[Cookie]

Every person is different, and perhaps a friendship with your LO is possible if you can address the root causes of your limerence.

That said, there are not many happy ending friendship stories with this, at least that I’m aware of. It’s never worked for me.

As you get older, you may start to realize that no ONE person is worth constantly feeling torn up about, regardless of your history with them.

It’s similar to other addictions, but also very different because you’re not dealing with an inanimate object.

And this is excellent from Pandora!!

.
As a side note, there's a concept in addiction where the addict doesn't want to give up their addiction, they just want to be free from the consequences of it. With that mindset it's impossible to actually recover, in my experience.

[Altruist Avocado]

First: thanks for the answers.


[quote=Pandora post_id=69522 time=1593040838 user_id=1810]
From my experience: maybe, but probably not.

Another however is that we can't really judge our motives until we're free of limerence. It may be that you do have genuine feelings of friendship for your LO, or it might be that limerence is looking for any excuse to hold onto the relationship. In any case, in your scenario, your LO has already requested NC. My advice to you would be to take the chance to take as much NC as you need. If she wants NC for two months, but at the end of the NC you feel like your limerence is still there? Tell her you need to extend it. Stay NC until you can feel some clarity around your situation with her. Don't stalk her social media accounts or ask mutual friends how she is. Be as free from her as possible.[/quote]

But how do i know how much is "enough"? From what you're saying - which makes sense - my thought patterns are disrupted by this situation. How can i recognize when i no longer am disrupted by it, and i can move on?

[quote]As a side note, there's a concept in addiction where the addict doesn't want to give up their addiction, they just want to be free from the consequences of it. With that mindset it's impossible to actually recover, in my experience. It looks like you're well on your way to burning this bridge anyway, so you can either do it with grace and say 'I need to do longer NC' or just continue irritating her until she cuts you out for good.[/quote]

This... resonates deeply. I know that. But i do not want to accept it. There has to be another method. It feels like i'm trying to cure an illness by lessening the symptoms, not by dealing with the core issue. I mean, many illness are treated like this, but it doesn't feels right.
On top of that, i do not want to end with them hating me, or with me hating them.
Also, another thing that is scaring me is that i don't know how to deal with love without limerence. Every time i did love someone, i finished like this - crashing down, burning down from another high into a blunder into a fight into a full-on relationship stop. The only thing that kept me afloat was finding another person to worship.

[quote=Cookie post_id=69523 time=1593041019 user_id=1399]
Every person is different, and perhaps a friendship with your LO is possible if you can address the root causes of your limerence.

That said, there are not many happy ending friendship stories with this, at least that I’m aware of. It’s never worked for me.

As you get older, you may start to realize that no ONE person is worth constantly feeling torn up about, regardless of your history with them.

It’s similar to other addictions, but also very different because you’re not dealing with an inanimate object.
[/quote]

And another thing that hurts me deep down is how much time i spent with them. It ranged from bad to great; but it was simply so much that now, cutting completly bridges with them... it feel as if im chucking away a third of my life.

[Cookie]

And another thing that hurts me deep down is how much time i spent with them. It ranged from bad to great; but it was simply so much that now, cutting completly bridges with them... it feel as if im chucking away a third of my life.

Better than chucking away the next two thirds!

[JohnDeux]

.... There has to be another method. It feels like i'm trying to cure an illness by lessening the symptoms, not by dealing with the core issue.

Do you have a sense for yourself for what the core issue is? As you ponder the answer, think of an onion that has several layers to peel back before arriving at the core.

[Acrobatica]

.. it feel as if im chucking away a third of my life.

I just had a long conversation with an old friend. We were "limerent" for the same LO, me for 15 years, her for 10, overlapping for about 5. And we talked about this exactly, feeling such a deep sense of loss when we stopped working with the LO that it felt like losing our own history.

But then we talked about how this did not end up being true at all, and that history is still a part of us and who we are, and we still learned and grew from it. And where we are now would not have happened without that history, and at the same time we are at a far better place now.

You cannot chuck away the past, you carry it with you always. But, as Cookie says, you can chuck away your future.

You can choose a future without the pain this person causes within you.

[Altruist Avocado]

@JohnDeux wrote:
>
> Do you have a sense for yourself for what the core issue is? As you ponder
> the answer, think of an onion that has several layers to peel back before
> arriving at the core.

I think this is the way i should try exploring. I mean, considering my history, even if i manage to completly "detach" myself from this person i feel limerence currently for, i will fall again in this addiction once i find someone that gives me the attention i crave.
This said, right now i have no idea. I have a some issues - a family that is both very controlling and at the same time that leaves me without any support, a lack of friends i "consider" as "close" (but i think this is actually caused by the limerence itself - there are people i know that i can rely upon to hear me out, i just consider them "lesser" to my LO), a general predisposition to melanchony and depression (but this is a hypothesis, since so far i didn't try yet therapy...) - but nothing that seems outstanding or so big that it would justify such attachment.

@Cookie
@Acrobatica
Really, thanks for the kind words. It's just... difficult to accept. And to handle. I try to rationalize away the thoughts that i won't be able to be happy without the LO, but it's quite difficult. Especially because they were so kind/accepting of me. I have read that the LO is a catalyst for my own need, so the problem does not lies in them; but this is making things more difficult, because it's giving me hope that i can shake off the "illness" without enderaging the friendship i have with them.

Another thing: I'm also incredibly angry that i have to deal with this. A thought i've had in those days is that i'm angry at other people, who can afford to bond without any kind of issue like this.

[PhoenixJB]

Avo, I can relate to much of what you've shared. I always wished there was a way for me to 'just be normal' with my LOs. Like if I didn't obsess over when they were texting me back, then things wouldn't be so bad... but that would mean the limerence is not there and I wouldn't have the problem in the first place... hope that makes sense lol..

I am prone to depression and loneliness... I don't mind being alone, but lonely?? No thanks. Messaging with my LOs greatly reduces my loneliness... and I message with a lot of people, and that helps too, but let's face it... I'm only REALLY looking for a response from LO. I'll drop everyone else if LO pops up. And no one else gives me the same amount of attention as these LOs. But the attention always starts to decrease, because that is the nature of even a healthy relationship. The amount of texting decreases even in a healthy relationship. It's just so much harder to bear when it happens with these LOs because there is the limerence addiction/obsession on top of it.

I too feel like in my relationships, I 'worship' the other person. If you are my person, I give my all. I love love, and I love being in love, and I love being with someone, and I rarely go without being in a relationship. The only way I got rid of LO1 is by transferring onto LO2. I didn't realize it was happening or I might have tried harder to stop it. Because LO2 is really rocking/wrecking my world. I'm head over heels for him in a way I never was with LO1.

So with LO1 we barely even message anymore, I'm a bit annoyed by how it stopped, but whatever.... I remember when I thought I'd never feel this way, and never not care. But look here I am, kinda annoyed we no longer talk, but mostly whatever. Maybe someday I'll feel this way about LO2. Who knows...

I also feel incredibly angry that I have to deal with this. I feel consumed by it. Previous addictions didn't even take over my life to this extent.