Ending my Emotional Affair

[Maddie]

I will certainly be hurt by seeing him and his wife.

I think this would be the hardest part for me...

[Ceridwen]

Wow... I am often blown away by some of these threads. It resonates so much with me that I often wonder if we are all limerent for the same man LOL. All of you, Sara, Cookie, Wishmagick, Maddie... your posts could have been written by me. I have often said how thankful I am to have found this site. I found it when i googled the word "limerence" the first time I ever heard it while listening to an audiobook about love addiction. Because as many of you also said it feels like a drug addiction. It is I suppose, to the dopamine rush. That google search put me thankfully on the path to recovery. I have gone No Contact many many times... one of us always breaks down and gives in. But I think the reason I feel better than I have in a really really long time is I'm no longer getting that dopamine hit when I talk to him now. I've compared this to having my "rose colored glasses" removed and seeing for who he really is and not the fantasy I had in my head. Are they all narcissists? I have also felt like many of you when you say they never ask about how YOU are doing... when my LO does contact me, it's always to talk about himself. I joke that he just misses his "free cheerleader".

Hang in there everyone, I'm so glad we have this tribe to support us. it's a difficult journey on you own. Thank you all for putting your stories out there.

[Sara]

L-F posted a thread about how to recognise a narcissist.
I am thinking more and more than my LO may be one.
I feel his anger and dark side more and more.
He never apologize, doesnt have emotional nuance, when i did apologize on previous occasions he acts as if I did the right thing and wants to punish me.
Yes the more the veil is lifting the more scared I become.
I sense something bad is coming hopefully im wrong.
I sense that I shouldnt have given him my address and email address. I shouldnt have exposed my secrets to him.
He knows my life very well and i suddenly realise i gave him so much power. Maybe he is no good and I feel some violence and anger in him
Weird my feelings are becoming: "shame i cannot freely tell him how i fancy him but we may be in a relationship later in life" to " i should maybe run away before its too late because something is off with this man"...

[Maddie]

Sara,

If that's your intuition, I pray you can move on from this man. I know, waaaaay easier said than done, but this could be a HUGE motivating factor.

[Acrobatica]

My personal theory is that much of what we call limerence on here, is actually a trauma bond, which is often part of a relationship with a narcissist.

There is a lot of literature out there on trauma bond, and it tracks with the obsessive feelings of limerence. It basically means that the hot/cold, love-bombing/dismissive behavior causes us cognitive dissonance, which results in a trauma bond. Many of us are more susceptible to trauma bonds because we were raised by someone with narcissistic tendencies.

So yes, I think for those of us who actually had close "friendships" or "relationships" with the LO, it is likely that the LO had narcissistic tendencies.

Steady appreciative love and attention don't cause the same kind of obsessive addictive feelings.

[Cookie]

A-men to the direction I’m sensing here, Sara!!

Let’s put it this way: I’ve been through this about five times now (counting actual relationships), and every LO has been a narcissist. Every encounter has started with love-bombing and ended with abandonment. Coincidence? Maybe. I don’t think so though.

And before the “no finger pointing at narcissists” lecture starts on here, save your breath. The first step in breaking a pattern is to RECOGNIZE WHAT IT IS. And sometimes that means naming it. Wish it hadn’t taken me so long, and I am hoping that Sara is spared a lifetime of this!

Only other thing I’ll add, Sara, is to trust your gut feeling of danger. My LO from a decade+ ago turned out to be a marginal sociopath and was institutionalized. I spent a year wondering if he would try to harm me or my family. Please back away slowly from your guy...but do back away.

[Cookie]

My personal theory is that much of what we call limerence on here, is actually a trauma bond, which is often part of a relationship with a narcissist.

This.

[Sara]

Trauma bond is "the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person."[3] A simpler and more encompassing definition is that traumatic bonding is: "a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of violence."[4]

Fractionation, conversationally or interpersonally moving the target from one feeling to its opposite and back again several times in the course of a conversation in order to increase bonding is related to hypnotherapy and Neuro-linguistic programming.

This is exactly it!! OMG the bastard!!
This is the exact feeling
One minute is always talking one minute i feel i am begging him'
OMG

[Peterpan]

So now that you know all about him Sara, what do you pln to do with this information?

[Sara]

Hes blocked.
Finished.end of.
I had enough and more than enough.