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Ending my Emotional Affair

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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ireneadler
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by ireneadler »

WishMagick wrote: Mon Jun 29, 2020 6:08 pm
Sara wrote: Mon Jun 29, 2020 11:02 am
Its weird this limerence it has no logic!! Must be my body craving for more dopamine hits but he is not even giving it Anymore. Maybe it is dying this limerence experience! Until the next LO?!
That's what has happened to me as well.
I don't get dopamine hits from the bits of attention my LO gives me anymore.

There was a time when a FB "like" or a FB story view would give me an instant high that would last a couple of days (and I would be smiling so big and just in a good mood) and if he ever said any word to me I would get a rush of tingles in my whole body feel like I just did a line of cocaine (I am imagining, I have never taken cocaine).

Now when he gives me attention on FB, I almost feel a sense of dread. And if it's not a slightly negative emotion, it's completely neutral. His name stands out in the list, but, it's like, "Oh", instead of pure joy.

And when he spoke to me last, I was annoyed. Not enthralled.

I don't have anything against him, I don't hate him, he's fine, but I think I am finally getting tired of my mental state.

This might be happening to you too, Sara!
That's good. Getting tired is good. It's played out now and we are ready to be free...
Until the next LO!

Hahahha!
WM and Sara,
Did you do anything specific to desensitize yourself to the dopamine hits?

It’s been two years and I’m still smitten. I tried to keep my distance at work, but he would come find me to “catch up”. I’m the person who initiates most online contact, so communication has been out of balance during the pandemic towards me appearing to chase him. I play a game with myself how many days I can go NC, because he is usually NC also. I don’t think he’s purposely evading me, but I don’t know. I hate being the one who has to figure out the boundaries and what’s appropriate. And figure out what won’t scare him. Haha!

In person, I tried to keep it cool, but then went in the opposite direction and tried to be around him frequently, hoping it would desensitize me. Neither of those have worked. I can still get a huge buzz just by looking at a picture or an old message.
40 something, married with kids
LO is a married with kids co-worker
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WishMagick
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by WishMagick »

ireneadler wrote: Thu Jul 02, 2020 9:42 pm
WM and Sara,
Did you do anything specific to desensitize yourself to the dopamine hits?
I can't speak for Sara, but for me, it's all the negative interactions that I've had with LO.
We've never fought or argued or anything, but, my LO will not express his emotions to me. He REFUSES to be explicit with me. His passivity is TOXIC to me.

That is why I don't get excited when he gives me attention. The attention he gives is extremely ambiguous and his online interactions with me never matched up to his in person behavior.

I don't feel respected by him, in the slightest.
I think this means that my hope is dwindling. The more hope you have, the more dopamine you get from interactions with LO.

At least, I hope my hope is dwindling! LOL!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."
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Sara
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by Sara »

For me 2 things work well, and i try to combine both:
- i hate that he is so self centered. Hes got many qualities and thats why i like to spend time with him but man how self centered he is its too much!! He never asks how i am etc so i try to remember that aspect and it makes me less excited to reach out . In fact i dont fancy to !
- When im away from him in my mind I give a lot of attention to my kids! My attention space is freed and given to my kids who need it and feel so much happier after that! So i try to refocus my attention to them! It works!
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Sara
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by Sara »

Hi folks
Ive been a bit away from the forum which is always a good sign that I feel better mentally!!
Ive been focusing on my next trip abroad, booking holidays, buying presents for my family there etc and doing some works in my house!! So the empty space is getting filled by something else than my Lo.
Hes a nice chap, always respond to my texts etc and i actually was the one with a problem.
Weve been away for 4months now and so whether we like it or not it was my chance to stop this affair and it has worked!! We still text everyday but i Think of him a lot less. My obsession is less strong. I also know hes always available and always respond so my mind is at peace.
I deleted his pictures from my phone.
I am getting there
Maddie
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by Maddie »

yes you are sara!
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Sara
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by Sara »

I miss him! Physically.
Its a phase it will go... i need to be patient. These feelings come and go.
Hes reached out a bit more these days does he feel im pulling out?! Who knows.
Im still determined to end this emotional affair.
Deleted pics . Deleted messages. Need to throw away the letter he sent me but didnt find the strenght yet.

Im thinking also to have another kid with my SO. Lockdown has showed me how important family is and how lucky i am to have my SO and kids.

It would definitely help to get away From LO. I think.
Plus im scared that hes going to have a kid with his wife. It would be painful to swallow
Pattihopeful
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by Pattihopeful »

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Last edited by Pattihopeful on Tue Jul 28, 2020 10:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Teana
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by Teana »

WishMagick wrote: Thu Jul 02, 2020 9:59 pm The more hope you have, the more dopamine you get from interactions with LO.
This is a great observation. I agree it works like this with me exactly.
F 28
LO M 40
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Sara
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by Sara »

Why do i want the attention of this prick?! He doesnt even care!!
Pfff im so annoyed with myself
Cant get ride of this obsession !
I blocked his wife on instagram because i kept on checking on their wonderful holidays and life.
I dont recognise myself im usually independent i hate to depend on anybody. I am not into romance and love stories.
Here I am , depending on the crumbs pf a stranger.
Who is this guy anyway?! We worked together a few months big deal.
We spent 10hours a day together talking non stop. He left an impression on me.
We are so different.
Why am I so fascinated by him? Im sick seriously sick
I love my husband love my family. I do not need him! Do not need his attention.
His wife is blocked.
I blocked him again on whatsapp.
I need to remove him completely from my life and system its enough!!!
Cookie
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Re: Ending my Emotional Affair

Post by Cookie »

Sara wrote: Mon Jul 13, 2020 11:46 am Why do i want the attention of this prick?! He doesnt even care!!
Pfff im so annoyed with myself
Cant get ride of this obsession !
I blocked his wife on instagram because i kept on checking on their wonderful holidays and life.
I dont recognise myself im usually independent i hate to depend on anybody. I am not into romance and love stories.
Here I am , depending on the crumbs pf a stranger.
Who is this guy anyway?! We worked together a few months big deal.
We spent 10hours a day together talking non stop. He left an impression on me.
We are so different.
Why am I so fascinated by him? Im sick seriously sick
I love my husband love my family. I do not need him! Do not need his attention.
His wife is blocked.
I blocked him again on whatsapp.
I need to remove him completely from my life and system its enough!!!
Boy, do I get this whole passage, Sara.

I basically was with the LO in person a handful of times and we used to chat (text) all day. Big whoop. We have no overlap in any aspect of our lives, other than a few mutual acquaintances through our shared business interest.

The reason why it feels like more? Because they have fed it. I stand by my contention that our LO obsessions are not by accident. In most cases, they want our attention and have deliberately sought us out for it.

And in terms of his "wonderful holidays and life," how wonderful can they be when he is always distracted and flirting with other women? I know that's a sour grapes approach to this, but it helped me to start thinking that way instead of idealizing the LO's relationship. In fact, he admitted their problems to me several times. Kind of awful to be glad about that, but it may help get you over the hump!

Back to YOU though -- you are right that you do not need his attention, even though it feels like you will die without it. It may take a while to get past this, so be patient with and please don't beat yourself up with every relapse. I realize how big a part the self-abuse played in staying hooked to LO.

In a nutshell, I think we are better than them. Not as humans, but as relationship partners. We feel torn and conflicted because we have a conscience. I honestly can't say the same for them, at least in my many years of experience with this.
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