Why do we put up with this?

[Tonton]

Why is everyone telling us to put up with SOs and make it work with them when the truth is our limerence is a huge sign that our marriage/relationship isn't working in the first place.

We should really be trying to take our chance and make it work with LO. Life is too short not to try. Even suppose if it doesnt work with LO atleast we'll be out of a cr@ppy relationship.

Sorry for sounding so ranty but had a huge fight with SO who is constantly hurting me and yet I put up with her. Don't know why!

[JMS164]

I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to limerence when one is already in a relationship. Sometimes it's a sign your relationship is over or should be over. More often, it's a poor emotional cope that functions as an avoidance mechanism for hard emotions (like conflicts with SO). LO may even be a better match for you, but no long-term relationship is all roses and butterflies.

I would ask yourself on your best days with SO if you're desire is to be with someone else. Never make decisions in the heat of a fight. If leaving SO is the answer, you'll know it when you're calm.

[ireneadler]

SO and I did try to divorce. That was the tipping point. We quit drinking around each other or the kids and reset expectations to zero. We are still together, the fights plummeted by 95%, but the marriage is platonic. We did start enjoying each other’s company again.

Knowing I had a crush on LO would probably make SO mad, but it wouldn’t cause a divorce.

There are reasons to stay and reasons to leave. Only you know your particular situation. Mine is to stay.

Since meeting LO, it seems like my relationship with SO has gotten better. Like it has taken the pressure off or something. I don’t expect SO to meet those needs anymore. I have told him many, many times what those needs are, but he can’t or won’t reciprocate.

[peter.rabbit]

Why is everyone telling us to put up with SOs and make it work with them when the truth is our limerence is a huge sign that our marriage/relationship isn't working in the first place.

We should really be trying to take our chance and make it work with LO. Life is too short not to try. Even suppose if it doesnt work with LO atleast we'll be out of a cr@ppy relationship.

Sorry for sounding so ranty but had a huge fight with SO who is constantly hurting me and yet I put up with her. Don't know why!

Years ago I left a marriage and eventually married an LO. Big disaster, but the whole experience was the impetus for [my] personal growth, and search for healing. Still searching.

[Acrobatica]

Why is everyone telling us to put up with SOs and make it work with them when the truth is our limerence is a huge sign that our marriage/relationship isn't working in the first place.

I agree. It likely is a sign that your relationship is not working in the first place. But it is also very likely that a relationship with LO is not going to solve the underlying issues that led to limerence.

My advice, as someone who is now divorced in part due to my last LE, is to really commit to trying to make the marriage work. Go to therapy. Individual therapy. Couples therapy. Or both. Be fully honest with your spouse about your feelings. Give it some effort and time. For me, this made me understand that the marriage truly was a broken place and I could not stay. And perhaps that is where you will come out too. But taking the time to try to fix things first means you will understand better what is broken and have fewer regrets later. That is likely worthy it for your future self.

[PhoenixJB]

In my opinion... limerence was the 'straw that broke the camel's back'
it showed me that I do NOT feel towards SO as I should.
Despite months of working on our relationship, and even coming to a point where I'd have said our relationship is stronger than ever.... things are back to how they were before all that and I believe limerence showed me what I am missing in my relationship with SO. SO and I are now separated and I do believe that divorce will be the ultimate resolution. Even if things don't 'work out' with my LO.... I dont' think I can go back to SO???