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I screwed up big time.

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Limberman

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by Limberman »

Useless... Let it go. Leave it behind and try to move in. Don't let the anger and hate consume you. Improve yourself and be the best version of yourself for you.

Happy holidays to all on this forum that have helped me so much this year. You are all strangers unknown to me but have helped me through your words and shared experience.

May we all emerge from our troubles being better people.
Hopeless

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by Hopeless »

Thank you and merry Christmas everyone!

Ah Limberman, I would, I would, if only I weren't still convinced I love the guy... I was thinking, if I could get some proof he was calling me names behind my back, that would help me make that break. But he accused me of things to my face and that hasn't worked...
Limberman

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by Limberman »

You can not control what other people say and think about you. Don't try to control what other people say and think because you can't.

If you think you love him... Let him go!

Be the best that you can be. You may mess up at times but just learn from that and make yourself a better person.
Limerlove

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by Limerlove »

Limberman wrote:
> Useless... Let it go. Leave it behind and try to move in. Don't let the
> anger and hate consume you. Improve yourself and be the best version of
> yourself for you.
>
> Happy holidays to all on this forum that have helped me so much this year.
> You are all strangers unknown to me but have helped me through your words
> and shared experience.
>
> May we all emerge from our troubles being better people.

Merry Christmas... This forum has helped me so much too and I'm really thankful for it...wishing you all a wonderful holiday season!!!
Useless

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by Useless »

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

It's terrible. I've been stalking his timeline again. I know if I were to reach out, he would definitely jump at the chance for friendship again, and I know this because he wrote this for his achievements of 2019:

"1. I caused many dear friends to cut me out for good"

He absolutely means me. He often said I was one of the best friends he ever had. He described the process of losing friends as harrowing. (There were two others that same day, but I was the only one who had been having a virtual affair with him. In both the other cases, it was arguments where someone had disagreed with him and he got extremely angry and called them names. He doesn't like being challenged at all.)

But it would be terrible for me to reach out, because of the interaction between his toxicity and my limerence. The issue however is that underneath the toxicity and pathology, I think we had a real connection.
Hopeless

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by Hopeless »

...and now I am trying to go no contact again. Properly, blocking him from my other socmed accounts, so I can't look at his profile and feel lost and hurt again.
1812

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by 1812 »

Ah... this whole situation sucks. Intellectually you know he didn't treat you right, but your heart keeps insisting that it was your fault and that it wasn't so bad and that he feels rotten about it too and... Everything to make it acceptable to yourself that you can return to how it was before. (yes, I know this, it's the same for me). Also... from what I've read he consciously feeds those feelings, at least he has done so in the past.

But like so many have said before me, and you know it yourself too, just don't go back. You deserve better.

When I read the title of your thread and saw that you have gone NC, my first thought was that you didn't screw up. You did exactly the right thing, even though it is very hard.
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by Cookie »

Useless wrote: Fri Dec 27, 2019 11:18 pm I know if I were to reach out, he would definitely jump at the chance for friendship again

He often said I was one of the best friends he ever had. He described the process of losing friends as harrowing.
Same here, Useless. But stop for a second and ask yourself why they lose their friends and why we are their "best friends." (WTF?!) Maybe because everyone else has had the sense to RUN for their lives?
underneath the toxicity and pathology, I think we had a real connection.
You're familiar with the joke, "Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

I hope you are still staying away from this man, Useless. Everything said in this thread from NDD, Acrobatica, and others is spot on.

No contact feels wrong and even mean at first. But wait til you get to the other side and look back at this train wreck.
Person
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by JupiterTaco »

"Everyone else had the sense to run for their lives." So true!
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
Uselesdms

Re: I screwed up big time.

Post by Uselesdms »

Sigh. I was doing so well, when this bloody coronavirus epidemic happened, and now I am stuck at home with my thoughts and my internet connection.

He is now making live stream videos with the woman I was certain had taken my place as his "best" friend - and still thinking his friends have dumped him because of his off-beat political opinions. Whereas actually it's his tendency to get really abusive when those political differences come up.

I'm missing him so much, and I'm feeling aggrieved tgat he thinks I am the toxic one...which to some extent I can't deny, the overwhelming compulsion driven by the emotion I was feeling was incredibly toxic, made me jealous and suicidal every time he spoke to another woman (especially when he flirted, and he flirted a lot) and I couldn't control that... but now I'm still lost with this idea that I want to interact daily the way we used to. Just the affectionate back and forth that was honestly part of my life for a number of years.

Anyway, I gave been largely NC since October. I heard he and the family were in quarantine so I sent him an email wishing him well, and asking him not to reply because I wasn't well enough. Then a few days later after one G&T sent another saying I missed him. Then I wasn't sure if I sent that so I sent a follow up. No reply. So then I sent one last email saying all I wanted was to not be enemies. None of which he's replied to. Which is probably good

Anyway. I was trying to think of ways to break this effing spell, and wondered:

- listen to his podcasts & videos noting all the annoying things and being jealous of the people he is with until the feeling is extinguished? Or is that a bad idea?
- make a file of all the horrible things and manipulative things he did and said, and when I'm feeling weak look at it
- Recall that when I did explain I was having issues with jealousy (which I owned) he used that to accuse me of gaslighting & manipulation (when he was the one who used to express suicidal ideation all over twitter and then used to abuse people who tried to help. He was the one who when I asked what had changed in our relationship accused me of calling him a liar. He was the one who when I questioned the heat in an argument accused me of calling him a bigot...He was the one who used to tell people to f off when they disagreed then get all surprised that his friends abandoned him.)

Anyway. It feels like pulling barbed fish hooks from my soul. I'll get there, I am sure, but it is awful, and the worst thing is that because it was illicit I have nobody to talk it over with. Which is why I'm here, venting, anonymously I hope.

Thanks for reading. Thank you all for your advice.
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