Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

For the lurkers here who want to participate as anonymous users. You can post or add here without the need to register first.
Forum rules
Whilst this is an open forum where guests can post, we still ask you to be respectful of the views expressed by others. The regular forum rules apply here as well and any posts deemed offensive or inappropriate will be deleted.
L-F
Posts: 2574
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by L-F » Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:54 pm

Its relatively easy to remain professional and change the topic of discussion. No one needs to get hurt or be rude.

Think about your own actions. Ie. Don't touch your hair, fidget, blush, smile too much. Try and remain calm and constantly remind yourself you owe him nothing but professional courtesy. How would you react around someone you can't stand yet you know they are limerent for you? Do the same. Break the ties. Remove the emotion. Cut out laughter. Display more poker faces. He won't like it. Too bad. So long as you're not rude who cares if he likes it. If he's limerent he'd like yo get you in bed, but, you really want him thinking that?

Do things that would turn a crush away. I'm not talking about picking your nose and eating it, I'm taking about cutting out all the fluffy interactions that keep them hooked. We are the hooverers when we play their game because we are aware of how our body language is being read. Change the body language chapter.

All the best!
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Guest

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Mon Aug 19, 2019 10:53 pm

Thanks for all the great advice.

Cookie, to answer your question, you are correct that this experience has shined a light on problems in my marriage. I never had attraction to or a connection like this with my spouse. It's like driving a Pinto for 20 years and having someone gift you a Lamborghini. But then you realize that they didn't gift it you, it's just a short-term lease that about to expire. You can never own it, just drive it for a while. Then you have to give it back. You wish it had never happened because now you know what you've been missing.

This is one of life's cruelest jokes so far. I don't believe in any spiritual BS or anything like that, but from what I've read, it's almost like the Twin Flame phenomenon that others have described.

In any event, I think I owe my LO an explanation. To give someone the "silent treatment" when they've done nothing wrong is simply cruel. It's passive aggressive, selfish, and wrong. I'm trying to find the right words, and I may even ask the reddit/adultery forum for help too. I think it's possible to love someone too much, to the detriment of yourself and everyone else around you. It's nobody's fault, just a chemical reaction in my brain that was overwhelmingly wonderful at first, but now completely destructive and exhausting.

AnnieKaye9924
Posts: 284
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Canada

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:43 pm

Cookie wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 5:14 pm
Guest wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:37 pm
Hi Cookie,

If our relationship was casual and superficial, it would be easy to "ghost." I've done it before to other people. But, in this case, it feels wrong, disrespectful, and rude. I wouldn't want my LO to think that the relationship is/was meaningless to me or that I'm upset (or that my LO did something wrong). I also think that it's far too easy to keep falling in to the same trap over and over again. We tend to do this "backing off" naturally, then something happens, we have a good conversation, and I'm back to square one. I want to prevent that from happening again.

It's a bad situation, but I don't believe that being rude to someone I consider to be my beshert is appropriate.
Your comment here is very telling to me: "I wouldn't want my LO to think that the relationship is/was meaningless to me or that I'm upset (or that my LO did something wrong)." Because your opening post talks about "rock bottom" and "rehab." Do you see the cognitive dissonance here?

Ask yourself why you are putting THEIR feelings and needs above your own.

And as most of us on here do, you are projecting a much deeper relationship than what likely exists. You wouldn't want them to think it's meaningless because YOU don't want to accept that it is. Keeping you hooked into being interested in them isn't the same thing as caring for you. You can write this narrative however you want for however long you want...but in the end, this is already a ghost.

I should note, my LOs have all reciprocated -- verbally, physically, and everything in between. I have heard promises of true love, soulmate, let's run away together, blah blah blah. So wow, yeah...I'd hate to be rude and defriend a person who was so "close" to me. But that special connection was fake. And mostly in our heads to fill whatever void we were feeling at the time.

I'm sorry to be blunt, Guest, but friendships with LOs rarely if ever work. I have yet to read a good outcome on here in that regard. Dysfunction brought you together. That is your bond. For as long as you choose to keep it.

There's a reason you don't feel well.
This is an absolutely amazing post. Nothing to add. What a dose of reality!!!

L-F
Posts: 2574
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by L-F » Tue Aug 20, 2019 3:58 am

Oh my God, and here I was thinking you were work colleagues and just wanted to remain professional. I didn't realise you had crossed into PA.

Yikes! Good luck! This is why it's not a good idea to have an affair. This kind of stuff can be used as a way to keep you locked into the affair - you know, blackmail. Yes indeed see what the Affair forum has to offer in terms of advice.

This kind of stuff scares me. If I had a PA and wanted to call it quits while the other person didn't, I'd come clean to my SO. For me, there would be no other way to escape the nightmare. I wish you all the best and I hope you find good supportive advice.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Angel
Posts: 181
Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2019 12:52 pm
United States of America

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Angel » Tue Aug 20, 2019 9:18 am

L-F wrote:
Tue Aug 20, 2019 3:58 am
This kind of stuff scares me. If I had a PA and wanted to call it quits while the other person didn't, I'd come clean to my SO. For me, there would be no other way to escape the nightmare. I wish you all the best and I hope you find good supportive advice.
Even an EA and breaking that off has been a nightmare, even after coming clean with my SO, and getting awesome support from him.

Once you’ve crossed that line, whatever the line is, it’s almost impossible to redraw those boundaries to “just be friends” again. At this point, Guest, you seem to care more about your LO’s feelings, than your SO’s. Why do you feel you owe your LO anything? I’m only putting it out there because I also continue to go through that struggle. My friends and SO, who I’ve told about my EA, keep asking me why I feel like I owe anything to my LO. He knew I was married, and so is he, and he crossed some major boundaries (and of course, I am at fault for not setting stronger boundaries too!) If you are married, and your LO crossed that boundary, then she isn’t an innocent in all of this.

At some point you need to make a choice, and no matter the choice, someone (everyone) is going to get deeply hurt. I can see why you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. You seem to be starting to realize that the only paths out of this are all really, really hard.

Guest

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Tue Aug 20, 2019 2:08 pm

Coming clean to my wife is not an option. It would destroy her and my family. There would also be no recovery to my reputation. My kids are my main priority, so disclosing my affair isn't going to happen.

The only way out of this is to end the relationship with my LO and sever contact.

I know it's a bad situation, but what's done is done, and I can't worry about the bad choice I made. I just need to find a way out. Hopefully in a way that doesn't crush my LO, whom I adore.

And for the record, I'm not sure it was a bad choice. Even though it's caused a lot of pain, it's also brought me quite a bit of joy. I think I felt true euphoria for the first time in over twenty years.

This experience has made me question everything: marriage, modern life, religion. But I can't keep living with constant obsessive thoughts of her 24/7. It's affecting all other aspects of my life in a negative way. I won't drone on about that because I know you all understand how exhausting it can be.

Thanks for listening.

Cookie
Posts: 716
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Cookie » Tue Aug 20, 2019 5:07 pm

Guest wrote:
Tue Aug 20, 2019 2:08 pm
Coming clean to my wife is not an option. It would destroy her and my family. There would also be no recovery to my reputation. My kids are my main priority, so disclosing my affair isn't going to happen.

The only way out of this is to end the relationship with my LO and sever contact.

I know it's a bad situation, but what's done is done, and I can't worry about the bad choice I made. I just need to find a way out. Hopefully in a way that doesn't crush my LO, whom I adore.

And for the record, I'm not sure it was a bad choice. Even though it's caused a lot of pain, it's also brought me quite a bit of joy. I think I felt true euphoria for the first time in over twenty years.

This experience has made me question everything: marriage, modern life, religion. But I can't keep living with constant obsessive thoughts of her 24/7. It's affecting all other aspects of my life in a negative way. I won't drone on about that because I know you all understand how exhausting it can be.

Thanks for listening.
Guest, sorry for all the posts in this thread, but I connect with what you are saying so strongly AND am just now emerging from the other side of what you're going through. Woot! It feels great to be free. Still lots of inner work to do, but that's where it should have been happening all along.

A couple things here:

--I didn't disclose either, for the reasons you mention and several others. We pay the price with the additional anxiety that comes from hiding it and a longer withdrawal from the LO as part of that cycle. Our desperation makes us want to run back to them.

--That amazing euphoria you felt was fake. No different from buying a gram of good coke downtown. I know, I know, it felt different and real. It wasn't. Only time AWAY from her will show you this.

--Crush your LO? I doubt it very seriously. Remember, you have projected this magical thing onto her. She doesn't own it or really believe it, and if she does it's for her own messed-up reasons. Again, not REAL.

You can do this. And you're going to thank the heavens that it ended without mass destruction.
Person

Guest

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Tue Aug 20, 2019 6:06 pm

Wow, thanks for the wake-up call.

I mean nothing to my LO, is what you're saying. Everything she said to me was fake. We've know each other and worked together for almost ten years. I guess it's all fake.

She won't be devasted, or hurt, when I say I need to stop contact. She'll be fine with it. She doesn't care about me as much as I care about her. She probably never did.

I guess it's just impossible to have real feelings outside of one's marriage. I guess I will continue on in my loveless marriage.

Bettyboo
Posts: 119
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:24 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Bettyboo » Tue Aug 20, 2019 6:28 pm

Guest - you have to be completely honest with LO.

Maybe she feels the same, maybe your marriage has come to its end.

Are you sure it’s your LO you should be ending it with and not your SO. Not so you can be with LO, but so you can heal and work on yourself?

Guest

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Tue Aug 20, 2019 6:39 pm

I think she does feel something, but probably not as strongly as I do. Or maybe she does, and would never admit it. Little things that she's said, though, lead to me believe she feels similarly (limerence). But, it doesn't matter. We have kids. Neither of us want to destroy their lives or our reputations. It's also complicated in that she doesn't live in the same city as me anymore. I think this is part of the problem, too.

It's just impossible.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests