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How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Mon Aug 19, 2019 5:35 pm

Cookie, thanks for your blunt honesty. I've had all of these same thoughts, which is why I want to end the friendship, if you can even call it that.

Any suggestion on how to politely end the conversation if it veers in to personal territory? Remember I have to talk/interact with my LO on a daily basis, so it makes it very difficult for me. It's like a "tiny taste" of booze for an alcoholic. I go to the bar determined, just have a little sip, and the next thing you know, I'm wasted and having sex in someone's hotel room.

I can't be cruel or rude. That's just not me. The only people I've had any success ghosting are ones that I have no reason to see or talk to on a daily basis.

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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Cookie » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:00 pm

Guest wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 5:35 pm
Cookie, thanks for your blunt honesty. I've had all of these same thoughts, which is why I want to end the friendship, if you can even call it that.

Any suggestion on how to politely end the conversation if it veers in to personal territory? Remember I have to talk/interact with my LO on a daily basis, so it makes it very difficult for me. It's like a "tiny taste" of booze for an alcoholic. I go to the bar determined, just have a little sip, and the next thing you know, I'm wasted and having sex in someone's hotel room.

I can't be cruel or rude. That's just not me. The only people I've had any success ghosting are ones that I have no reason to see or talk to on a daily basis.
It was blunt, and I'm sorry. I kind of learned that on here. :))

Others on the forum who work with LOs can likely advise better, but you say she has moved to a different team and location. I'm guessing that means less daily interaction? You may benefit from a daily reality check with yourself about the need to interact with her -- even on work matters -- and whether you are finding excuses to do it just to engage with her.

You are worried about being cruel and rude to her, but why are you less concerned about being cruel and rude to yourself? "That's just not me." Okay, so what IS you? Rock bottom, rehab, highs and lows??

She is likely going to bait you into something non-work related. Just to see if she can get your attention when and if she needs it. You can respond with some explanation as to why you can't be friends, or you can just not respond. If you're being honest with yourself, which do you think will do the trick? I've never had much luck with explaining anything to an LO. They have their own issues and reasons for "not letting you go," even though they never really held onto you in the first place.
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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Celestialbody » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:11 pm

I think Cookie may be projecting a bit here, Guest.

It's very possible your LO truly cares about you and wants to continue to work with you. He or she may be fearful of losing the working relationship because that's the only way to stay close to you.

Of course, it is entirely possible that you're being used and the relationship doesn't mean as much to your LO as it does to you (other than the business). As you say, salespeople can be manipulative. Flirting can be used as a sales tactic, but I can usually tell if it's not genuine. Does your LO seem awkward or flustered around you? What do you mean by reciprocation?

You may never know the truth. But does it really matter?

I think it's best to be blunt. Maybe just say that you've enjoyed the friendship, but that's it's just gotten to be a bit much for you, and you'd prefer to keep it professional going forward.

I assume you're in a relationship, or your LO is? So there is no chance?

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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Cookie » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:20 pm

Celestialbody wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:11 pm
I think Cookie may be projecting a bit here, Guest.
Well, Cookie may be projecting, but sometimes what we project is experience. And it’s not your place to characterize someone else’s words and thoughts anyway.

In a nutshell, people who care about you and are friendship material don’t make you feel like you are losing your mind or require a strategy to manage. Period.
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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Celestialbody » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:42 pm

I think Guest has already reached the conclusion that ending the friendship is the only logical choice. In fact, that was the original premise of the thread. We don't know all of the details, but it's possible for two people to meet and feel genuine feelings for each other. You and I appear to have had bad experiences (as most others on here have had) but that should not poison the well. Guest is asking for practical advice on ending the friendship, which does require a degree of consideration and care given the ongoing work relationship.

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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:15 pm

Hi all,

To answer your question, Cookie, I'm sure we both manufacture reasons to talk to and see each other. That's part of the disease.

Celestialbody, for background my LO and I have both been married for the same amount of time. We have kids of similar ages as well. Both met our SOs in college. My LO has always seemed nervous and flustered around me. I am the same way, even after all these years (this has been going on for a long time).

I didn't want to out this on a public forum, but at this point, I'm desperate. And if I want good advice, I need to tell the truth. When I say reciprocation, I mean there has been true reciprocation: mutual disclosure, professions of love, sharing deep secrets, breakfasts, lunches, and dinners out, travel, stuff in hotel rooms, lamenting over what can never be.......yeah. Seems a bit much for a sales pitch, right? But I guess you never know what lengths people will go to for a sale, if they think it's what you want.
I'm still not sure, although my LO swears the feelings are genuine.

I call it a friendship. But maybe it is a really pathetic, sad affair.

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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Angel » Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:24 pm

Limberman wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:57 pm
Oh that is not how I want to end up with my LO. Certainly do not wish to block her or for her to block me from any form of communications. Even if it was NC I would hope that we could leave each other on good terms. I would still want her to know that we are friends and if really needed I am available! Perhaps some time far in to the distant future when we are sure limerence has gone then we connect and continue the friendship.
Maybe it’s just too raw for me right now, but I was doing a ton of mental gymnastics to justify my continued contact with my LO/friend. But really facing myself in the mirror and realizing that limerence is simply selfish. Breaking off the friendship is neither cruel nor rude if the trajectory of it will be that it ends badly. I tried to tell my LO kindly - it didn’t work, and I am realizing now that perhaps he doesn’t respect me enough to not cross those boundaries.
Last edited by Angel on Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Cookie » Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:27 pm

Guest wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:15 pm
I call it a friendship. But maybe it is a really pathetic, sad affair.
Maybe it's not sad and pathetic. Maybe it's what you needed to shine a light on something missing within you. Something that you've likely carried into your marriage.

As much advice as I doled out on you about not needing to explain your reason for ending the friendship to LO, I actually did the same thing. I tried to explain to him. Multiple times. And each time, LO came back with all the reasons we should "stay friends." Each time he reeled me back in, out of his own desperation/bonding/abandonment dysfunction.

I would LOVE nothing more than to hear a story from a forum member about how a friendship with an LO worked out well, and that everything was understood and accepted and resolved. Because then this wouldn't feel like such a waste.

Sigh. There's a reason we're all on here.
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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Bettyboo » Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:36 pm

Cookie - you’re right. I’ve attempted friendship with my LO for years now. It doesn’t work. It’s never enough.

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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Angel » Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:41 pm

Guest wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 7:15 pm

I didn't want to out this on a public forum, but at this point, I'm desperate. And if I want good advice, I need to tell the truth. When I say reciprocation, I mean there has been true reciprocation: mutual disclosure, professions of love, sharing deep secrets, breakfasts, lunches, and dinners out, travel, stuff in hotel rooms, lamenting over what can never be.......yeah. Seems a bit much for a sales pitch, right? But I guess you never know what lengths people will go to for a sale, if they think it's what you want.
I'm still not sure, although my LO swears the feelings are genuine.

I call it a friendship. But maybe it is a really pathetic, sad affair.
I’m guessing you and Limberman are one and the same?

And now I realize that you are in the same spot I was a few weeks ago. But I realized that I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my marriage for this intense affair I was having with my friend, which went as far as planning to run away together. Sounds so stupid to even put it in writing, now that the limerence fog is dissipating.

I believe my LO’s feelings for me are genuine. But like Cookie said, a true friendship wouldn’t make me lose my mind and go through all these mental, emotional gymnastics to manage.

Been NC for about 2 weeks, and to be truthful, it’s been incredibly painful to the point I have been pretty non-functional. And he’s thrown everything at me - anger, guilt, shame, pleading, ultimatums - as I scrambled to block all my emails and other SM platforms. But you are definitely in a more challenging situation because I don’t work with my LO, he’s in another state, and it will be pretty easy to avoid him in the professional (and friend) circles we have.

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