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When there is no escape

Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 4:15 pm
by sam
Hi All,

I am glad to have found this group. I am not sure if what is happening can truly be defined as limerence as my feelings are unrequited, but I am at my wit’s end (not sleeping, no appetite, unable to focus on anything else)..

I have been unhappy and anxious for some time. I am married to a wonderful person but we are ill matched in many ways — our sex life is non-existent and while we have a strong friendship, we coexist more like roommates than husband and wife. We have been trying unsuccessfully to have a kid. He struggles a bit with pot addiction and could be more productive. I work more hours than him and always feel like I need to push him to get stuff done. We do not share the same drive for sex, travel or sucking the marrow out of life. He is much more content to stay at home and watch Netflix.

Enter R. I work in a tech company and we are on a small team. He started near the beginning of the year. He is brilliant, driven and he listens. He is my type physically and I feel a stong attraction for him. We have developed a solid friendship — he opens up about his anxieties regarding our work environment and things that bug him at home. I never really wanted any actual sort of romantic relationship since we are both married, but I have a strong desire for him to just return my feelings/ find me attractive. We like different things. He is into sports—cycling, especially.

I think about him constantly. At first I thought this could be ok and that I could sublimate my feelings into productivity. It hasn’t worked out. I find myself terribly jealous of other women. I have become a person I do not like. I am obsessive and jealous and I have a strong compulsion to research the hell out of any “competition.”

We have a new girl starting tomorrow. She’s a knockout (I am not), 10 years younger, but most importantly, she shares many of his interests — cycling, football, baseball, dogs. I feel like I am the beginning of a very predictable story. There is no way he will not find her attractive— she seems like she could be his dream girl. My seat will likely sit between them.

I am always working with R. We partner on all projects. I cannot avoid him— the only way to do so will be to leave the company. I am going to work on looking for a new job, but it will likely take some time. I do not know how I am going to face this day after day. I can’t help already comparing myself to this beautiful woman who has much more to offer him in terms of experience, passion and kinship.

Thank you for letting me tell my story. If anyone has had a similar situation (no escape) and has any coping techniques, I would be extremely grateful.

Re: When there is no escape

Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 4:40 pm
by Acrobatica
Dear Sam:

It sounds like limerence to me. Most limerence is unrequited - thus the pain of it. In some of the stories here the interest was returned, but not fully and openly. The obsessive thoughts, the bizarre jealousy, the feeling that you just could not stand another person to get what you can't, that all sounds like limerence.

Welcome to the forum. It can be especially tough when you work with LO every day and so cannot avoid them. Many here are in that position.

Keep posting. Keep sharing. Wishing you peace.

A

Re: When there is no escape

Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:14 pm
by ReeledIn
Welcome, Sam!

I know your struggle. I started this thread last week for people in workplace LEs. Feel free to post there.
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=5153

I know exactly how you feel. It sounds like your marriage needs some resuscitation. That is possible if you are willing ro put your focus there. This LO is merely a distraction..

Hang in there!

Re: When there is no escape

Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 9:56 pm
by Natslife
Welcome Sam, I'm fairly new here too, and already gotten so much help from everyone here. It is incredibly comforting to discover that you are not alone in all this! And this is a place that shocked me with it's LACK of judgement on everyone, whatever their story. So feel free to let it all out.

I am with you in understanding how you feel in your marriage. I am in a similar situation although we do have kids. My husband literally doesn't speak the same language as me, love or otherwise! We are from vastly different countries! And what was once exciting and adventurous, has become too much work and driven a wedge between us. OK, so his serial cheating and complete lack of appreciation for what he had in me didn't help! But I tried and tried, and eventually just over a year ago completely gave up when he screwed up again and cut myself off from him emotionally to save my sanity. Cue the entry of my LO who DOES reciprocate - to an extent - but who (I am becoming more and more convinced the longer I partake in this forum) is actually keeping me dangling as an ego boost for him, more than anything.

I feel your pain. I get the same jealousy. I hate his wife and the poor woman has done nothing wrong!

I'm afraid you are going to be put through hell with this "new woman" because you are basing your sense of self worth on this guy. If you must remain where you are for the time being, DON'T give him that power over you! Yes, he may and probably will find this new woman attractive. That doesn't make you any less attractive than you were last week. Nothing will have actually changed. Second, don't focus on how perfect he is, because that guy doesn't exist - he's a figment of your imagination. Focus on the reality - that you and this guy actually have little in common outside of work. He is NOT the answer to your prayers.

Oh, how WISE I sound! LS, heal thyself! 8-|

Re: When there is no escape

Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2018 3:10 pm
by Betsy
Oh, how glad I am to find this forum and realise I’m not alone. I’ve struggled with obsessions for people for as long as I can remember. My current limerent object is my neighbour and I’m experiencing the same things you are. He has been my neighbour for almost a year and he’s taking up valuable head space. I am very happily married, my husband is incredibly understanding and we have a great sex life. To the point where I am trusted to sleep with other men who take my fancy. However, this is where it becomes damaging. I have slept with my LO a few times and I have to say, it wasn’t spectacular. Underwhelming, infact. But I still want more. I want him to feel the same affection I feel for him. He is running scared right now making any excuse he can to avoid intimacy or even friendship with me, and who can blame him? I think he has got back with his stunning ex girlfriend and is afraid to tell me, so I spend all day worrying about it, stalking them online to find some kind of “proof” they are together. I’m so ashamed of myself and I hate who I have become. I hate living like this. I’m afraid I cannot give any advice, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone and you hope it passes quickly for you when you find another job.

Re: When there is no escape

Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:37 am
by CrushedSO
Betsy wrote:
Sun Oct 14, 2018 3:10 pm
Oh, how glad I am to find this forum and realise I’m not alone. I’ve struggled with obsessions for people for as long as I can remember. My current limerent object is my neighbour and I’m experiencing the same things you are. He has been my neighbour for almost a year and he’s taking up valuable head space. I am very happily married, my husband is incredibly understanding and we have a great sex life. To the point where I am trusted to sleep with other men who take my fancy. However, this is where it becomes damaging. I have slept with my LO a few times and I have to say, it wasn’t spectacular. Underwhelming, infact. But I still want more. I want him to feel the same affection I feel for him. He is running scared right now making any excuse he can to avoid intimacy or even friendship with me, and who can blame him? I think he has got back with his stunning ex girlfriend and is afraid to tell me, so I spend all day worrying about it, stalking them online to find some kind of “proof” they are together. I’m so ashamed of myself and I hate who I have become. I hate living like this. I’m afraid I cannot give any advice, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone and you hope it passes quickly for you when you find another job.
I’m curious if both you and your husband sleep with other people or if only you do? Trying to understand. Does your husband know you slept with LO neighbour? Does he know you are limerent for him? Have you told your husband these things?

Re: When there is no escape

Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2018 4:19 pm
by MaraLady2
Sam I'm in a very very similar situation to yours and wonder if we can PM or email? Support each other?

Re: When there is no escape

Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2018 5:05 pm
by Girlwednesday
Hi Sam,
a few things jumped out at me while reading about your situation. first off, im NOT saying you have a bad partner, but why are you trying to have a baby with someone who;s struggling with a pot addiction?
anyway, i can see how limerence struck you down. You are describing a home life that is settled and somewhat static. Now this breath of fresh air comes in and it hit you like a ton of bricks.
I have not posted in a long time but ive been part of this forum for nearly a decade, struggling with the same LO for twenty years. it can be a complete nightmare.
i understand the jealousy, its especially off putting when youre not jealous by nature. Im all for you keeping your sanity, but I dont like that you are willing to make life decisions like finding a new job just to avoid him.
I know a lot would say to move on and go no contact. is there no happy medium that you would be ok with?
what would be your ideal scenario here?
would it be never see him again? or maybe cultivating a friendship you can live with?

i know its tough, i really get it, we all do.
GW

Re: When there is no escape

Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2018 5:01 pm
by marko
Anxious--my anxiety is why I'm here. The bad feeling caused me a life time of self escape through another. My marriage as yours points that I never really loved, and only did so as I thought I had love, and escaped the pain through it. LO comes in and I ran hard to recover the good. I saw it as incompatible people, but really it's just self, trying to escape with excuses. LO is perfect because you filled your self gas tank with the right fuel again. Now you need to look in and find why you escape. I see the self loathing from a lifetime off this. I can't go back and cause love either, I can no longer escape either.