So it’s 2020 and I was still obsessed in this person. I’ve finally let him go just a month ago.
I realise I have deep problems with attachment, I’ve been thinking through this for all these years. I had a very cold and abusive father, and an enmeshed/cold at times mother. I wouldn’t say I was neglected emotionally, but I am fearful of relationships and I prefer being totally alone.
I have had the option of dating men and I am extremely avoidant. I cannot imagine being sexually intimate. I fear Limerence and becoming obsessed in someone for years again, so I actively shut things down way before it’s even possible to like someone.
When I’ve been in real relationships I become obsessed, extremely codependent.
I’ve been single for almost 4 years now and I do well on my own, I’ve moved from codependent to avoidant and it serves me well. I’ve been to a counsellor to work on my avoidance though.
I am ever fearful of obsession, because when I like someone I make them my special person and I don’t even have to know them well. It’s projection and a desperate need to see them in the best possible light, I don’t believe it when they show me their bad sides. I just become obsessed, I raise them well above myself and I am depressed and utterly suicidal in a relationship. I have a fear of abandonment too.
When I’m alone I take very good care of myself, I eat well, I exercise, I have hobbies, I like myself.
When I’m limerent/obsessed/in a codependent cycle I neglect myself and all I do is obsess, I become mentally ill.
I fear losing myself, as I am not able to have both a significant other/close relationship and myself.
I have slight OCD and am eating disorder as well.
I have never been a superficial person, at least I’m quite okay with no makeup and an average look.
It’s weird because I don’t actually have an identity problem, I guess I would if I was badly neglected by parents. I have kept my same hobbies for a long long time, and I am appreciative that even if I lose all interest in everything when I’m in a relationship, I actually still have my identity. I just anxiously, obsessively focus on my apraxia person.
I have no issue with being single, I few like I prefer it, but I’m not immune to developing crushes. I just now avoid them because of the pain of Limerence.
Many will say that people with codependency or Limerence cannot function unless they are seeking attachment, I know very well that I have this hollow space that never leaves me. This space eagerly wants for an attachment bond. I see it as a desperate need to attach to a mother figure in someone. But because I’m so scared I’ve become avoidant, so I always have this hole inside myself, I’ve just walled it up. Forever apprehensive that I’ll be subconsciously searching for my special person and eventually succumb to Limerence once again