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As victims of limerence we mean well. Perhaps some of us are only guilty of falling in love with the notion of someone. But, I think if there are so many scary sad feelings surrounding LO, it begins to feel very unhealthy and dark and it’s not a sexy feeling. Certainly it's not romantic. The feeling I have about the whole thing is turning into this gross, shameful sensation. It's unhealthy on so many levels. I feel like the last year has been a struggle to overcome mental illness. I feel as I’ve been a mental patient who doesn’t realize he’s crazy and though he is free to leave the asylum, he cannot because he’s become too accustomed to the asylum walls. It’s been exhausting. One year in and I’m left with a lingering sense of emptiness and the haunting dread of having encountered the only woman that’s ever made me long for marriage and other such institutions I’ve never understood—only to find that it was all a very beautiful delusion that turned grotesque. Also, I realized that this person is the last woman a guy like me should want to marry. I’m certain this will keep fading until it’s just a gross memory on the dark horizon of my recollection. Ironic how beautiful it all was when it started and how real it all seemed. I’m not sure why I needed to experience this, but I hope to God it never happens again. I’m fully willing to forfeit the dopamine rush if that means avoiding the scary sad feelings of emptiness the crash brings. Not out of the woods yet, but it's relieving to see some light through the trees. I guess the idea is to come out on the other side wiser and stronger and enlightened.
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I'll tell you something else, a couple female friends inquired what had come over me. They could sense something was going on--I was majorly distracted all the time and asking them if they believed in love at first sight, not my normal way of doing things. I finally told one of them about the entire debacle, the entire sick comedy. She did laugh and I couldn't really blame her. She thought the entire story was extremely neurotic and speculated that I was having an early mid life crisis. She was baffled and asked me how it was that I could be so frazzled by such a mediocre looking woman as LO. Obviously my friend was only trying to help me see the light but the limerence had eclipsed my better judgement. So maybe, eclipsed judgement played a huge role. I'm really not sure what caused it. Not sure how I'd find out unless I went to a therapist maybe. I think it would be great to talk to a therapist, but honestly I'm afraid of what else that therapist would find when he/she looked under the hood; I'm a mess. I guess this could be PTSD; a residual effect of becoming an orphan earlier than most people do (I'm now in my late thirties). With all the emotional damage people acquire in a lifetime, it's a wonder anyone isn't a mess by the age of 37.
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johnny boy wrote: ↑Fri May 18, 2018 7:46 am..... I finally understood Beatles songs.
Excellent and much understood introduction....welcome here and I hope you find some good support, advice, and information that may help with recovery. Like you and most here, the fact that the effect became all-consuming (and ill-inducing) was what set it apart from the standard starry-eyed crush. Maybe someday it will be more recognized,....for now there is this forum and here's hoping it is of help to you. Welcome here....
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I couldn't agree more with your intro. The things I can relate to most was feeling blindsided, wondering why this person is ALWAYS on my mind...and, I also have the goal of coming out of this and in better emotional condition than when it all began.....
Best of luck to you. This forum has helped me!
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)
Really, I want my numbness back. And just for a small insight let me tell you something. A few years ago I went out with a curator. She was a bit pretentious, I'm not going to lie. She modeled herself after Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. She would quote Dickinson and if that didn't work she'd quote Plath. She referred to her years in ballet as her dedicated era to 'the dance'. You get the idea. Very cute though. I came to pick her up one evening and there was a guy leaving her apartment. His eyes were swollen and red and he was clearly grief stricken. I went in and sat on her couch. She made some tea. She had a Cure album playing and that's what had made the guy cry she postulated. I asked her who the guy was. She told me he was a guy she'd recently broken up with. Apparently he couldn't let it go, perhaps he was limerent. She said he'd cried on her couch and begged her to try loving him back. She seemed amused by it and that sort of turned me off. It seemed so cruel coming from such a sweet girl. Meanwhile I felt nothing for her. Nothing beyond the prospect of getting her into bed. She turned away a guy who loved her for a guy who clearly didn't. We didn't last very long. I ended up throwing a grenade into it and destroyed it completely; I wound up hurting her feelings so bad and have never felt right about it no matter how much I apologized to her. Meanwhile, that guy who left, who'd cried on her couch; he'd have put his hand in the fire for her. I didn't cry on LO's couch, but believe me, I would have put my hand in the fire for her. So, I guess Karma really is a bitch and it was my turn to be love struck guy. It sucks and the songs don't help and the films don't help and the people making out in the street really don't help. It all makes me think of what LO is doing with someone else who probably doesn't desire her as much as I did and still sort of do. It would be sort of funny if it weren't so sick.
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