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I told my LO how I feel...

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AMA210
Posts: 1901
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: I told my LO how I feel...

Post by AMA210 » Sat Jan 13, 2018 8:10 pm

Good that you got a response. Just curious what you told him -- like I have feelings for you, I care about you, etc. Good luck with your situation.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

mythica

Re: I told my LO how I feel...

Post by mythica » Sat Jan 13, 2018 8:30 pm

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I sent him a letter that said these things:
That I really liked him and always have
If he asked me out I would say yes in a heartbeat
I feel a special connection with him I've never felt with anyone else
I daydream about us being together
That he's really attractive and kind and wonderful in every way, and it was a mystery why he wasn't being chased by girls constantly
Then I apologized if it made him feel weird but I wanted to be honest with him, and ended with telling him I treasure our friendship no matter what and I hope we are always together.

mythica

Re: I told my LO how I feel...

Post by mythica » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:48 pm

I've tried therapy (the therapist doesn't understand what limerence is and taking my SO is like pulling teeth), I've tried telling myself he can't be interested in me and fixing my current relationship, but my LO remains the center of my life. I don't hate it, really...just yearning for more, so much more, that I can probably never have because of the way things are for both of us. It's almost like...the longing sustains me at this point because I'm so miserable otherwise, yet it brings sadness on its own.

I got the chance to spend the night at his parents' house with him this weekend so I took it. I honestly hoped something would happen as wrong as that sounds, but nothing did, physically at least. He was staring at me and smiling while I was brushing my hair after I got out of the shower and got dressed the next day. I don't think he would do that unless he thought I looked pretty. And he was being even more of a gentleman than usual, taking my plate at dinner when I finished and just being very kind to me in general while I was there. I told him I wish I didn't have to leave when it was time for me to head out, he didn't say anything but seemed sad to see me go and gave me a hug.

He was around me pretty much all the time, and took the time to fix up a pair of puzzle cubes I picked up for my collection - as in spending half an hour disassembling, cleaning, and fine-tuning them, explaining how it was put together while I sat beside him. That made me feel special beyond belief, he doesn't even do that much for the ones he's bought himself (it's a hobby of his that I've picked up).

I was so happy being there, happier than I've been in ages. I thought I'd have a glowing smile permanently on my face after something so great, but then it hit me.
I realized how empty my life felt without not just LO, but the people around him. His family made me feel like I was one of their own. I felt like someone was happy to have me around for a change and wasn't ignoring me. And then my intense feelings for LO on top of that...the night after I came home I cried so much. I'm still crying because I feel like a piece of me is missing and I don't know how to be whole again because there doesn't seem to be a way forward that doesn't involve screwing up everything else.

If I go NC, I'll lose the only decent relationships I have with another human being because that means ignoring his family and never going to church again.

If I leave SO, I'll be forced to move far away, as in another country far away, essentially back to my own family. That would be absolutely out of the question for several reasons, not even counting LO.

This seems to be the only place where people really get what is happening to me.

WonkyBrainThe2nd
Posts: 272
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:32 pm

Re: I told my LO how I feel...

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Tue Jan 30, 2018 1:34 pm

Oh Mythica, sorry for how you're feeling. I know that kind of hurt - the yearning to be part of my LO's family ran strong in me too. They were so warm and welcoming. Being around them reminded me of when I was a child around other people's parents and I'd be thinking "Please adopt me."

It's such a necessary thing in life - belonging - and feeling like you're welcomed and accepted and special to other people. It's crucial to us feeling safe. I wonder if it's relevant that you met your LO in a community thing at a church? Because it's somewhere where you feel connected to a group? I think for me it was relevant that my LO ran a cafe in the heart of the community I had just moved to and he knew so many people. I saw how connected his was and how close his family were and I think I may have wanted to mate with him in order to try get what he had, that sense of belonging and connection.

Hope you are feeling better soon. The two things that helped me in that regard were a) realising that I'd viewed his family through rose-coloured glasses somewhat (there were definitely conflicts going on beneath the happy surface) and b) trying to build my own "family" of people around me, who I felt accepted me for who I was.

Sorry things didn't work out so well with your therapist.

mythica

Re: I told my LO how I feel...

Post by mythica » Tue Jan 30, 2018 9:40 pm

I think where I met him, why I want him, all of it is connected to the feeling of being an outsider my entire life. I never belonged anywhere, and attempts to do so always resulted in rejection. Friends, boyfriends, didn't matter. Anytime I began to feel safe something would happen that reminded me that I am only being used, and it was all an illusion. It's been this way for nearly 15 years.

With LO, his family, his circle of friends at church, for the first time I feel accepted. I'm not attacked or spurned for thinking and feeling differently from other people. I feel like a living breathing human being around them, not a tool to enrich their own life while recieving nothing in return.

Long story short, I feel like I can genuinely trust them to not disappear or treat me like garbage.

And on top of that, LO is my ideal guy. Even though we are different, we both embrace and respect those differences. He sees me as an equal. We want to take care of each other, the kindness is not one sided. I don't have to be scared of anything around him, especially now that he knows and has no problem with how I feel.

It hurts so much to say all this because I want this, I need this. I don't want to be trapped with someone who take three times more than they give and make me wonder when the next shouting match or worse will happen. I'm tired of having to explain away my SO's behaviour to myself and others, trying to cover all the pain he's caused me just to keep smiling another day and pretending all is fine.

I've cried so much lately...I wish LO could hold me and tell me everything is okay. Then I could believe it, that it will be okay.

WonkyBrainThe2nd
Posts: 272
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:32 pm

Re: I told my LO how I feel...

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:58 pm

Sorry you're feeling so alone right now Mythica. If you have always felt like an outsider then maybe that's what you need to look at? Finding different ways to feel connected and understood and safe? Although it really feels like it, obtaining your LO won't solve that issue for you, ultimately. As you said, you have a pattern of jumping ship on a relationship for another, which is something we do when we are looking for others to save us because we don't know how to save ourselves. I know what it's like to feel trapped in a relationship (and I had a boyfriend who kept me locked indoors for a while so I've been literally trapped at times :)) ) but you're never as trapped as you think you are. Sometimes when you feel you're in a prison you have to take a good hard look at the bars and see how many of them you have put up yourself. Because mostly it's us and our minds, our behaviours and our beliefs, that are trapping us. We don't know how to get what we want and so we feel helpless.

It sounds to me that if you are a whiz with puzzles you can focus that brain on mastering the puzzle of yourself. :) I don't know you, or the ins and outs of your friendships and relationships, so I can't really give advice there, but I know for me I had to really think hard about how to get that sense of belonging for myself. Some people I had to cut out of my life (because I had a tendency to not hang out with the right people) and I had to find ways to be around people who I felt good around. And I had to take a look at myself at what I was like to be around and of what use I could be to other people.

If your boyfriend and you are rowing a lot, it doesn't sound like either of you are happy. Is there a different approach you could take to the relationship to make communication easier?

mythica

Re: I told my LO how I feel...

Post by mythica » Sun Feb 04, 2018 5:29 pm

I don't know, honestly. I just want everything to be okay. Maybe I just need to accept that despite everything, at least my SO puts up with me enough to let me live here. I should be thankful.

I feel crushed because no matter what I do, LO won't reciprocate...tried touching his hand today and pulled it away, and he's just been...I dunno, acting like he doesn't want to deal with me/doesn't care today. The opposite of how he normally is.

I think I had despair written all over my face because after that, on the way home, I started to feel so sad and he kept looking at me. Since he hasn't messaged me to check on me or asked if I'm okay before I left, I just want to go NC. He won't bother contacting me anyway, might as well just forget I met him and stop going to church. I'm not Christian so I don't belong there anyway.

I need to accept he doesn't care. He only acts nice out of pity or some moral obligation.

It hurts like hell and I feel like everything only leads to a dead end. Not just with LO, but with everything in general.

I feel absolutely hopeless.

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