feeling like a bereft teenager.....

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Echo13

feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by Echo13 » Fri Jul 28, 2017 7:18 pm

I came across the word limerence the other night - I had not heard it before so googled it , read more about it and then ended up on this website. Reading the stories of others has really made me think about my position and as I know that my best friend is probably getting fed up with me, I would like to post about my situation and hope that someone has some words of advice or encouragement for me…….
I met LO (if that is what he is…..) twenty years ago. We had a brief relationship (four months) but it was the most powerful relationship I have ever had. Circumstances were such that we didn’t stay together and I finished the relationship as I did not know when he was going to call me and I found it very difficult. I then met my husband and was living with him within four months and , I hesitate to say this, but realise that I was on the rebound from such a hypnotic relationship . No other relationship in my life was like the four months I spent with LO - it was fantastic in every way and (sorry to say this) but the sex was amazing…..
Due to my work, we had contact over the years but I was always very guarded as I knew that there was the potential for me to throw everything away to be with him. I have a good career, am well known in my area of work, often asked to speak at national conferences on the work I do and do not consider myself to be a weak individual.
He often asked me to go to lunch or to meet up but I always made up an excuse or ignored the invitation. In 2010, I went to a funeral, knowing LO would be there . He was there with a girlfriend and he didn’t see me and I left very quickly so that I would not have to speak with him. He texted me after to say that he was sorry that he had missed me but perhaps we could meet for lunch. I ignored him. Seeing him with another girl reinforced to me how strong my feelings still were, even after a ten year period. However, we did speak every few months - I was married with two daughters, he had a girlfriend, and we were still friends.
In 2015, I received, out of the blue, a letter from my first serious boyfriend of thirty years ago. I had not thought about this ex for all those years and was completely shocked and scared as he had clearly been stalking me on line. I rang LO and asked him if he thought I was the sort of girl that men would think about after the relationship had ended. I did not ask that question because I wanted him to say he had never forgotten me; I asked because I was genuinely scared. He told me that I was the big regret in his life, that he should have tried harder to get me back, and that not only would we have been good in a relationship but he thought we would have been really good friends to each other within that relationship. I was flattered but had no intention of seeing him.
And then in January this year, he turned up at my office on a Friday afternoon - he clearly thought I would not be there and just intended to drop some documents off as I was doing some work for him. We were both surprised and had a long catch up and then a hug. I made myself think that there was nothing to it, but then he texted me on the same evening and told me that it felt really good to have me in his arms. That led to some flirty texts and you know where I am going with this…….I was in a low place in my home life, and I found the attention flattering and now I am back where I was seventeen years ago. My heart is broken all over again. But this time is different - this time we have had /are still having a full on relationship ; the sex is amazing; we are so much better together and he told me that I was the biggest regret in his life and how he wished that he could have turned back time and never let me go. I just wish that I had not been in my office that afternoon ……He told me that he wanted to marry me and that he would wait for me as long as it took. He would send me the longest and most romantic text messages saying all the things that I wished he had said all those years ago. We would text for hours every day; we spoke every day; we would meet up as often as we could. i was in heaven and he told me he felt like a teenager. And then it just stopped …. Although saying that we still see each other once a week (because I make the effort….and could not bear not to see him….. and he is often late even by as much as an hour) but there are no sexy or loving text messages, no declarations of love from him and I feel as if I have been dumped. The point at which I lost a stone in weight and realised that I could not concentrate on my work and kept bursting into tears made me think I could not be involved with him anymore. I have analysed and over analysed it to try to see what happened - had I done anything wrong? I can’t see that I have. So that must mean that he just went off me….. but why? It just ended so abruptly . And because I am a confident person, I am able to ask him these questions and he can’t answer me other than to tell me that his work life is very busy and it will all slow down. I saw him this week and asked him if he wanted me in his life/future and he said yes. I have previously told him that I will just not contact him until he is ready to see me again if it is that he is busy, and he gets very apologetic and swears that he wants to be with me. By saying these things, I have tried to give him the opportunity to end the relationship because I know that I don’t want it to end; I like having him to look forward to. But when I text him and he doesn’t reply, or if I call him and he doesn’t answer, my heart breaks. I am even crying as I write this ….. It is easier if I don’t contact him and I have tried to go for days without contacting him, but then my phone will ping or I will give in and just send him a hello message and I am back where I started. I do not know if this is limerance as I know that we have had a full blown relationship which many others on here do not seem to have, but for me to have deliberately not seen him for all those years (even though I often thought about him and he was my fantasy) as I knew what it would do to me and then to be back where I was seventeen years ago terrifies me. When we got back together , I thought it was going to be about sex and I believe that I could have handled that better. He was the one with the declarations of love and he made me believe that we could have more, and all I asked him at the beginning was that he did not break my heart again. I do not think he knows what he does to me but I have told him how much it hurts me and this week, I just left him , I was in floods of tears as I cannot see him without wanting so much more or just wanting what we had when this started up again. i feel pathetic as i am the one who is married - he is single, no kids, but we are both in our 50s.
When I came across this site, it made me feel safe and like I was not alone. I plan not to contact him, but then I texted him about an hour ago, and he replied quickly, but only in the way of saying could I call him tomorrow. I texted back something jokey and I know he wont reply again. I identify with what others have said that the heart lurches between ecstasy and agony and at the age of 51, I do not want to live my life like this. I know if I go without any contact at all, I will get over him again. But do I want to? Yes, because I cannot bear the pain and it is not doing my family any good. And then I think what if he meant all of those things he said … and what if he does see that we have a future together and I am now the one screwing it up by continually analysing it. I wrote him a letter telling him what it was like but cant send it as that would mean the end….
If you have got to this point, thank you for reading this. My heart is breaking and I cannot allow myself to think about the good times we have had. Perhaps I am his LO in the same way ( and I would like to hear others’ views on this ) but even if that were the case and we ended up together, would it always be like a rollercoaster? I am hoping that this forum provides me with support.

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David
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Re: feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by David » Fri Jul 28, 2017 7:31 pm

Echo13 wrote:
Fri Jul 28, 2017 7:18 pm
but even if that were the case and we ended up together, would it always be like a rollercoaster?
Welcome Echo and i suspect the answer is yes unless you both did some serious heavy lifting to grow yourselves backup. Sadly its rare for the betrayer and Affair Partner of a love triangle to do the inner soul searching that is required and then live happily ever after.

Anyhow, there is lots of information here.

David
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Coaching see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence/

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JellyBean
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Re: feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by JellyBean » Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:43 pm

Welcome Echo

First posts are always difficult to reply to, so I would recommend reading info on here and posting more. There were several contradictory statements such as " he wished that he could have turned back time and never let me go. I just wish that I had not been in my office that afternoon"... and then wanting to be with him, while he pulls away.

Quick tips:
Limerence is not about the LO.
It's possible you and your LO have the same wounds/baggage/childhood drama/scars, thus needing to both do heavy lifting. Do you feel you could direct him here? So that you can both heal? If not, welcome. Hope to see you on the forums.

Echo13

Re: feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by Echo13 » Sat Jul 29, 2017 10:19 am

Thank you.
I am surprised to discover after all these years that there is a term to describe the ecstasy and agony and it is reassuring, albeit somewhat sad, the others experience the same. Oh to block his number.....a relief tinged with agony..... I look at family and feel awful.....

JupiterTaco
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Re: feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by JupiterTaco » Sat Jul 29, 2017 4:44 pm

Welcome to the forum, Echo!
"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel"-Dio, Holy Diver

Ivanhoe
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Re: feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by Ivanhoe » Sun Jul 30, 2017 5:22 am

Hi Echo,
Good luck. Not easy stuff to deal with - not great marriage, someone else, available, who knocks your socks off. Good luck.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

marko
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Re: feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by marko » Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:25 pm

I'm 54 and had a 1983 6 month person and still think of her today. But my most recent one made me feel the same way. So wonderful and then destroyed. I think it's worse now as we recognize the reality and sadness of our lives as we age. We see our time fleeting and grab at this desperate last stance. The reality of family says no, the sadness says yes. It stirs so many ancient feelings that can make one feel great, but now knowing the downside to everything makes one hold back and well go 8-} Lots of stories here, it's a safe place, take what fits leave what doesn't. Seems a wreck yard of broken hearts.

Echo13

Re: feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by Echo13 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:45 pm

Thank you for all your comments. This forum is a real support group and just reading of others experiences is heartening.
My life feels like a bit of a car crash waiting to happen. I think that we become comfortable in marriage but not truly happy. The highs and lows of another relationship are addictive and tha is why I can see tha NC is like the withdrawal from the drug. But still so hard ..... And however you try to rationalise the feelings, some do act is better then no contact. The excitement when a text pings .....and I am back to the longing and then the despair when there is no reply to my tex replying to his text. I just wish I could crawl under my desk and wait for the feelings to pass....

Windy1

Re: feeling like a bereft teenager.....

Post by Windy1 » Tue Sep 12, 2017 6:12 am

I have never had a true "girlfriend ". As a teen I felt I was undesirable by the opposite sex. Every girl/woman I crushed on didn't seem to reciprocate. So my low self esteem took over and made me more depressed. The current situation re awoke those feelings of a bereft teenager which really caught me by surprise! At this age I didn't think it was possible any more. My LO inadvertently woke these feelings up. I've been having fantasies (not necessarily sexual, but intimacy definitely plays a part) about our lives together, how or real life families would react as well as friends and family. Totally crazy I know.

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