What I learned

What did you learn from your expereince of limerence? How did you change? how did you grow? What were the upsides and downsides?
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Matty5000
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Jul 08, 2017 1:07 pm

What I learned

Post by Matty5000 » Sat Jul 15, 2017 2:37 am

"don't judge a book by its cover" usually is implied with a negative stereotype being cast on someone because of the way they look/dress etc. In this case it can also mean not judging someone because of how good they look. My LO LOOKS like a really cool person and I began projecting what I want in a woman on her before even getting to know her. The truth of the matter is every single person on the planet is damaged in some way. Some more than others. I shouldn't assume someone is cool, deep thinking, caring person just because of a haircut and some tattoos... the other thing I learned is that I need to work on myself. On growing as a human being. I am going to see a therapist to see if I can work on some of my issues. As easy as it is to point the finger at my LO and recognize the many faults she has, I have to take responsibility for how things went down as well. I also have to realize there are more deeper seeded issues within me I need to explore.
Matty the "amateur limerent"

AMA210
Posts: 1556
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: What I learned

Post by AMA210 » Sat Jul 15, 2017 4:21 am

Exactly. I have learned the same. LO was tall, dark and handsome, ocean blue eyes, a typical Irishman, but despite that beautiful face, the person behind it is avoidant narc, treating women badly, the whole bit. In contrast, the people in my life who are average looking have hearts of gold and are good, decent people. Lesson learned.
LE is about us.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

JellyBean
Posts: 1687
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: What I learned

Post by JellyBean » Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:20 am

Matty5000 wrote:
Sat Jul 15, 2017 2:37 am
The truth of the matter is every single person on the planet is damaged in some way.
:-bd Nailed it!

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RedPencilMentality
Posts: 51
Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2017 8:33 pm
Location: UK

Re: What I learned

Post by RedPencilMentality » Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:09 pm

L-F wrote:
Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:20 am
Matty5000 wrote:
Sat Jul 15, 2017 2:37 am
The truth of the matter is every single person on the planet is damaged in some way.
:-bd Nailed it!
Agreed. Every person on the planet is damaged and traumatised - it's only a matter of degrees.

When you truly begin to comprehend and accept that, you feel somewhat liberated and.....happy.
L.O.V.E. always wins.

JupiterTaco
Posts: 2192
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm

Re: What I learned

Post by JupiterTaco » Fri Jul 21, 2017 2:03 am

AMA210 wrote:
Sat Jul 15, 2017 4:21 am
Exactly. I have learned the same. LO was tall, dark and handsome, ocean blue eyes, a typical Irishman, but despite that beautiful face, the person behind it is avoidant narc, treating women badly, the whole bit. In contrast, the people in my life who are average looking have hearts of gold and are good, decent people. Lesson learned.
LE is about us.
Mine was a blond Irishman so don't feel bad. They really should come with a sign. =))
"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel"-Dio, Holy Diver

Windy1
Posts: 122
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm

Re: What I learned

Post by Windy1 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 12:02 am

The title of this thread should read "What I learned so far". In my late teens and early 20's When I would obsess over unrequited "love" ,I noticed that none of my male friends would do this. They would just move on if a relationship didn't work out,or if a girl didn't show interest they moved to the next without missing a beat. It would bother me a lot as to why I was so deeply affected by rejection or ambivalence on the part of the women I would show interest in.

The discovery of "limerence" as an entity has opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself. The nearly 25 year LE that I developed for a girl in India"S" was the worst case until I met "C" recently. When I realized that nothing would happen between me and "S", I decided that trying to keep in contact with her was making my mind spin more. I had to sever all ties to her as much as hated doing so. This actually led to severance of ties to family friends who are related to her. I have come into contact with those family friends from time to time and I always ask about "S". S's cousin knew how I felt for S and I think she was quietly rooting for me but it was never meant to happen.I t would bother me that even after a few years into my marriage , I was still thinking about S. I would have a thought of her almost every day even until recently. I would tell my psychiatrist buddy about this and he ascribed to some weird OCD type of thing. I just learned to live with it and I suppose NC (although I wasn't familiar with the concept) made it much easier to deal with.

When I started noticing the thoughts and feelings I was developing for "C" , it took a few days to realize that the same thought pattern was going on. The pining,fantasies(non sexual),recollection of nearly every interaction with her, and especially the (perceived)signs of flirting. We really had the "M.A.D." going on(Mutual Admiration Society). She was really impressed with the way in which I was regarded by the staff, and my leadership skills. I was blown away by her compassion and general warmth and her use of language and expressiveness. Being in healthcare we spoke the same "language" and that was a real high.

She would occasionally bring up her need to be there for her young kids and she used the term burnout once or twice with regards to her schedule and boy did I want to rescue her.I learned after she left that she is on her 3rd marriage. This kind of shocked me, and I started to wonder if she was some kind of unstable person. I have no right to judge her personal life , but I started thinking what if by some quirk of fate we actually ended up together, would she drop me like rock at the first sight of adversity?

I have learned so far from all these LE's. I have some severe self esteem issues. I would like to improve my marriage but I can't tell my DW about the LE, so I am working on myself my DW knows that I am seeing a therapist and she knows about my psych issues over the years. I think she is afraid to pry too much into the nature of my therapy sessions. In the moments of intense LE, I know the feelings will pass. I wonder if "C" has any LE about me, I want her to share the same pain and joy, but then I know that LE is all in MY head and she was just being herself.

I hope to keep learning and eventually turn this LE into just another life experience.
M-46-married
LO- married late 30’s-early 40’s -work colleagues

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