Being present in the moment

What did you learn from your expereince of limerence? How did you change? how did you grow? What were the upsides and downsides?
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AMA210
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Being present in the moment

Post by AMA210 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:14 pm

I have learned this in the past 2 weeks. I am not often focused on what is happening in the present moment. You are doing something, but thinking about other things you have to do or other people or whatever.

During the hugs with LO, I felt completely present, no other thoughts, no words, just "being".

Pudding
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by Pudding » Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:55 pm

Yup. I just finished doing some heavy bench presses and instead of thinking about my breathing and, oh yeah, don't drop that barbell, I was thinking what LO would think if he could see me doing my workout :crazy:

JohnDeux
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:41 am

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:14 pm
... I am not often focused on what is happening in the present moment. You are doing something, but thinking about other things you have to do or other people or whatever. During the hugs with LO, I felt completely present, no other thoughts, no words, just "being".
I hugged my first LO goodbye. Still recall the night over 18 years ago, outside the coffee shop where we did mutual full-disclosure. Still recall the coat, light snow-flakes coming down, the glint of the streetlight off her hair and the confusion in the air. Maybe I spoiled the moment of being present, but felt such a terrible mix of sadness, comfort and guilt.

This very topic came to mind today as well, Aq21,.....how so many of those in mid-limerence are SOOOOO concerned and hand-wringing over what LO thinks of them, but also others around them. It is the very antithesis of "present". It was the same with me when I first joined Tribe-LE: "You need to look inside, JD, and start working on what is there..." --- "Yeah....OK....but I wonder what ***LO*** would think about that??" :oops: Ever since this last LE subsided, it's become more clear....possibly due to just aging, possibly also on account of meditation which aims to cultivate being present....that I can now recognize how out-to-lunch during most random moments that I really am. Perhaps part of that recognition is possible because there are, in parallel, more recognizable times of actually being present. But it's interesting that you felt to be present when hugging LO and noticed that state as being quite different than your mental state otherwise during the day. So then the question arises, do most limerents consider themselves generally to be the opposite of "present"? And less easy to describe, was feeling present versus feeling *not* present something that the LE brought more to the forefront in one's life as a consequence of interactions with LO? (OK, that's two questions.)

Can't say for sure how I would answer these questions for my own experience, but interesting that they came to me today and then saw your post here. Got me wondering as to whether or not an LE is a cosmic plea to yank us into a more 'present' life and out of that lived in the mind-generated fog.

WonkyBrainThe2nd
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Sat Mar 11, 2017 10:38 am

JohnDeux wrote:
Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:41 am
Aquamarine21 wrote:
Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:14 pm
... I am not often focused on what is happening in the present moment. You are doing something, but thinking about other things you have to do or other people or whatever. During the hugs with LO, I felt completely present, no other thoughts, no words, just "being".
Got me wondering as to whether or not an LE is a cosmic plea to yank us into a more 'present' life and out of that lived in the mind-generated fog.
Yes! This!

I've been thinking along similar lines. When in the presence of LO I'm not caught up in inner nonsense or general life worries, I'm pulled very much into the here and now and what is in front of my face. I don't remember being so fascinated by another human being before, never read body language, or tried to read someone's behaviour so much. It almost felt like I was being given the message, "Stop living in your head all the time and notice the world and others more."

Except, of course, you get fixated on the one glittery thing you've been shown in order to pull you out of your head and connect with others, and the rest of the world blurs out of focus. And you end up even more inside your head when you aren't with them. Zipping between the past (remembrances of things happened) and the future (fantasising). So it's like we aren't quite getting the message.

I did thinking of playing a game I've named The Invisible Man Game. Where I go to the cafe and reverse the world which has him in focus and the background blurred out. I notice the surroundings in extreme detail - the sounds, colours and smells - what other people are wearing and what their body language is. As far as the exercise goes, he doesn't exist at all. I memorise everything I see and then I go home and write it down, like I'm describing it to someone. I'd love, really, to be able to pay the whole world the kind of attention I pay LO. I don't mean being hyper-obsessive, but more treat everyone and everything as if it is super-fascinating and then I could always be living in the present.

I remembered reading your post, Aquamarine, where your DH suggested you go into church with your eyes kept lowered, and I thought, "That sounds like a terrible idea." It puts you back into a world where you are inside your head. It would seem far better to do something like count how many people in the room are wearing pink or something. Something that brings you into your present and your surroundings.

AMA210
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by AMA210 » Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:55 pm

I have experienced that at other times with LO. Perhaps due to that "hyper focus" we have on them. Because of that it would make sense that the LE brings that out in us or at least brings it into our awareness.

I think that was part of who LO was. He was never disracted with his phone -- the only person (besides me) who wasn't on his phone while talking to someone else. When people do that, you get the impression that they really aren't listening and that you aren't important enough to have their full attention. So he was in the present moment, which probably influenced me. He once told me that a big problem today is that people don't talk enough because their "media" is more important.

Also I am wondering if children are better at being In the moment. They don't have the responsibilities of adulthood on their mind. So because LE causes us to access the child within, perhaps we are more open to that part of ourselves that was lost.

@JD: it's interesting that we were thinking about this at the same time. Dare I say "synchronized." ;)

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limerentgirl
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by limerentgirl » Sat Mar 11, 2017 3:26 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:41 am
Aquamarine21 wrote:
Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:14 pm
... I am not often focused on what is happening in the present moment. You are doing something, but thinking about other things you have to do or other people or whatever. During the hugs with LO, I felt completely present, no other thoughts, no words, just "being".
I hugged my first LO goodbye. Still recall the night over 18 years ago, outside the coffee shop where we did mutual full-disclosure. Still recall the coat, light snow-flakes coming down, the glint of the streetlight off her hair and the confusion in the air. Maybe I spoiled the moment of being present, but felt such a terrible mix of sadness, comfort and guilt.

JohnDeux, I felt similar with my LO. It seems that everything in the environment was collaborating to create an intense atmosphere. It's crazy. Like AM21 said, we are hyper-focused on our LOs.

I remember my third LO, when he broke my heart. I was in his bed in the college dorm, half-naked, when I was 23. I was so drowned into him. His smell, his skin. Then I asked, just out of curiosity... "How low have you been single?". And then he said "I'm not". I think that was one of the worst moments of my life. I cried so much I couldn't even leave his dorm for a while. I would cry thinking about that for years. But now I have a new LO :-? and that doesn't seem important at all. I mean, he was a psychopath. There is nothing to be understood. It was not that cool or beautiful at all. I think we create these "amazing" moments in our heads as part of the LE experience. Like we create like a romance movie in our heads.

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limerentgirl
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by limerentgirl » Sat Mar 11, 2017 3:28 pm

One thing that makes me sad me is that even if I stay in the moment, the moment is not that good at all without my LO. Like someone posted the other day, "there's no sunshine when LO's gone". So you have to just accept that life is not that good all the time and stay there anyway, because that's your real life, not your stupid fantasies with your LO that just make you more miserable and attached to an imaginary relationship over time.

I feel sad because things I used to like don't have that appeal anymore. I would love to go shopping. I liked to stay with my sister. I loved to walk on a beautiful avenue close to my house. I liked to go to bars with my friends, to dance in clubs. Now I don't like to do anything. Probably it has something to do with the depression I developed in my semi-relationship with LO from Dec to Feb, but seems like the world is gray without my LO. It's sad to accept this grayness for a while, until I heal.

JupiterTaco
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by JupiterTaco » Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:47 pm

Pudding wrote:
Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:55 pm
Yup. I just finished doing some heavy bench presses and instead of thinking about my breathing and, oh yeah, don't drop that barbell, I was thinking what LO would think if he could see me doing my workout :crazy:
I hate to say it but these thoughts can be a good motivator when doing something you care about. For example I used to think about what my LO would think of my writing, that he'd like it exactly the way I do it, and that fueled me somehow. That narcissism following me again I guess. :oops:
"Be careful with your heart and what you love, make sure that it was sent from above"-John Mellencamp/India.Arie Peaceful World

Spinnaker
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by Spinnaker » Sun Mar 19, 2017 9:04 pm

Being present in the moment with LO....

When I stopped to think on this idea, I conjured up a visual display of almost 9 years of interaction in person, on the phone and reading LO's messages. Hey, I just realized my brain put "the kiss" on the cutting room floor and the kiss didn't pop into my mind until now!! \:d/ Healing IS awesome!

The "picture show,"as I flashed through years of working on projects, the final months of this irrepressible limerent affair, up until today went mostly backwards in time.

I recalled some borderline PTSD moments, "the break up" which are so vivid (but didn't bring me anxiety today).
Next, I saw how difficult it was to focus or remember much as we started working together again. I couldn't even recall if he had his beard after spending 2 hours together. I had to rely on my camera pics because I had zero recollection of the details of the house we were in. So the post limetence fog, felt like brain fog.
Next, were the few moments I chose to recall (like when I dropped about 30 paint chip samples on the floor IN A BEDROOM and we were both picking them up). Hey, I didn't even cheat on my recovery after that episide and fantasize on that! Woohoo!
Then, I FINALLY went back to those times when I was quasi-limerent every time we had a project together. I have memories from back then, very similar to what you are describing.

So glad I'm off that rollercoaster.

Spinnaker :ymhug:
Re-examine all that you have been told...
dismiss that which insults your soul.
Walt Whitman

JupiterTaco
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Re: Being present in the moment

Post by JupiterTaco » Fri Mar 31, 2017 6:04 am

JupiterTaco wrote:
Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:47 pm
Pudding wrote:
Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:55 pm
Yup. I just finished doing some heavy bench presses and instead of thinking about my breathing and, oh yeah, don't drop that barbell, I was thinking what LO would think if he could see me doing my workout :crazy:
I hate to say it but these thoughts can be a good motivator when doing something you care about. For example I used to think about what my LO would think of my writing, that he'd like it exactly the way I do it, and that fueled me somehow. That narcissism following me again I guess. :oops:
I just wanted to add, that fantasizing that my LO would like my writing doesn't make it true that he would (or ever even see it) but it helps.

LimerentGirl, it can take time definitely but do give your hobbies an honest chance, they can surprise you and welcome you with open arms. 8-)
"Be careful with your heart and what you love, make sure that it was sent from above"-John Mellencamp/India.Arie Peaceful World

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