BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

LO nuking friendship

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Post Reply
User avatar
ShutUpGhostNappa
Posts: 113
Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2015 5:12 am
United States of America

LO nuking friendship

Post by ShutUpGhostNappa »

So....had an interesting experience limerence wise this weekend. As I've detailed elsewhere I recently transferred LOs, where someone who was giving me emotional support in dealing with a relapse of my previous LO was helping me work through it. Sadly, due to lack of other outlets I ended up falling for her instead.

Her reaction wasn't bad at first. She was understanding and all. But sat me down and explained why we wouldn't be compatible, and a lot of it she was right on. However, it did cause a period of self loathing since most of the characteristics she mentioned in me traced back to me being autistic in one way or another.

At the same time she had this other guy she was interested in, and it kinda irked me she seemed to have way lower standards with him than she did with me. She nitpicked me on all this minutae in my life that she didn't know for a long time of knowing me, but at the same time she knew only basic info (literally the kind of stuff you could read on a dating profile, basic job/aspirations, a handful of interests, political leanings, a little about family life, etc....she knew that stuff about me on day 1 and look how that turned out) about this guy but seemed interested in him to the point she disclosed she might date him at some point. I kinda expressed being upset at this double standard, suggesting she get to know the dude A LOT better and to not lower her standards. I admit I was a bit jealous and possessive, but yeah. I also tried to correct her of her understanding of aspergers because she seemed a little ignorant on some aspects of it and wanted to point out even if I'm like that doesn't mean everyone who is autistic is.

Well, she took me talking about autism and how not all autistic people are the same as trying to push a relationship, and the other stuff as me being jealous, which i admitted i was, and tried to sit me down and explain that no a relationship isn't happening, period. She misinterpreted some of what i said as having hope a relationship could still happen when i knew it couldn't, i just was upset at an apparent double standard. She corrected the perception and we talked about my feelings and i basically told her i agreed to go NC if she got into a relationship with the guy and couldn't handle it.

I tried to apologize later, further explaining my position, but I'm not sure if she read it or if it made things worse.

I dont talk to her for a few days. initially i thought she was busy but then i started to become concerned and wondered if she was mad at me. Eventually she logged on and blasted me claiming i was "abusive" and trying to "gaslight" her about the other guy, pointing out my statement about how she didnt know much about him, (I wasn't gaslighting her, I was doing exactly what I said I was doing), and that while she wasn't mad I was jealous she had this perception that i was still trying to force a relationship and sabotage her relationship with the other guy. I totally wasn't doing this, and she totally misunderstood my comments and intentions, but then said a bunch of nasty things to me blatantly intended to maximize emotional damage based on insecurities i previously shared with her and defriended me. I tried to explain my side of the story elsewhere but she ignored my messages.

Honestly, it's weird, but I feel freer right now than I have in years. My previous LE is gone. And now my limerence for her is gone, because she went so psycho and hostile toward me that it killed any feelings I had. She tried so much to hurt me it actually cured me instead. Because honestly, it vastly lowered my opinion of her and made me understand that I dodged a bullet. She was right, we couldn't handle a relationship with one of us being autistic, because being autistic I've experienced this before.

I say something, other person takes thing in precisely the worst possible way and misinterprets my intentions because I'm terrible at communicating stuff well, gets overly emotional and doesn't listen to reason, and yeah. It's something I've encountered before. It's unfortunate that it happens, and I feel bad I kinda put forward my points in such a bad way it led to that kind of misunderstanding but yeah. It really reminds me I'm not well equipped to deal with this kind of emotional baggage in a relationship, and that I'm much better being alone and not having to deal with this kind of drama anyway.

Either way what she said was so intended to be hurtful I struggle at the idea of continuing a friendship with her even if she wanted one because i don't feel I could ever confide my feelings in her ever again, let alone a relationship. And now I don't have an LO any more to my knowledge. It might be too early to say mission accomplished, but while i feel bad over my lost friendship with her and will forever hate my autistic qualities and my limerbeast for screwing said friendship up, I no longer feel limerent. She convinced me my previous LO wasnt good for me, and then nuked our friendship in a way where I understand she ain't good for me either. Now I have no one to direct my limerent energy at and feel great.

Again, I lament that my friendship with her had to end this way. I feel terrible for falling for her, disclosing to her, and then screwing up so bad i gave her the exact wrong impression of me, but if that's what it takes to end this hell and finally move on it's an acceptable sacrifice.
Pattihopeful
Posts: 810
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2018 1:18 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: LO nuking friendship

Post by Pattihopeful »

...
Last edited by Pattihopeful on Fri Jun 26, 2020 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: LO nuking friendship

Post by JupiterTaco »

Sounds like a turning point, SUGN, I wish you luck with moving forward.

Pattihopeful, something similar happened to me, LO and a third person except my former LO and I never discussed it. Basically I had reason to believe he'd been flirting with this other girl just to get a rise out of me, and when it came across me as a probability, I knew I was done. I still had the feelings for him, mind you, but it totally changed my perspective. Sometimes that's all it takes to start moving forward.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
User avatar
ShutUpGhostNappa
Posts: 113
Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2015 5:12 am
United States of America

Re: LO nuking friendship

Post by ShutUpGhostNappa »

So just an update, thinking more about this.

It might be too early to say the limerbeast is dead as I'm sensing a mild attraction to my previous LO before the last one again. However, it's not like before.

The big thing that's bothering me is what this person said to me.

I'm a super self conscious, introspective person. And there is a crapton of stuff that I feel blame for. I mean, I'll flat out admit i crossed a boundary and got too jealous.

However, i've been doing a ton of research into gaslighting and i SERIOUSLY struggle to consider anything i did gaslighting in any serious, intentional way. Virtually everything i did outside of crossing that one boundary has been completely non abusive. You would need to totally misinterpret and take what i said grossly out of context to get that interpretation. Like when i look up how abusive people act and how i act, it's the total opposite. Like abusive people try to make people feel guilty. The whole time i was telling her this isn't her fault, it's totally on my end, told her about how limerence works, etc. I've been hating how i got her involved in my BS and developed feelings for her, and was constantly trying to reassure her this isnt her fault.

That said, I've been thinking a lot about LO3 and how she reacted, and tbqh, she's totally destroyed my self confidence. It's one thing if she got mad at me for something I actually did and admit to doing. But seriously, I'm just...blindsided with this.

Being someone who likely has aspergers, I'm SUPER socially anxious with crap. I mean, I tend to inadvertently break social boundaries all the time, and have developed significant social anxiety over time with this stuff. Yet here I am, being accused of something i didn't even do, and i was literally blindsided by this. Yet with this girl I opened up my deepest darkest secrets (my limerence) and explained the issue to her. I can only think that she took what I told her about it, and then used that as a lens through which to interpret my actions in the worst possible light, making me out to be far worse than I actually was, misinterpreting faux pases as intentional abuse, and basically using my feelings against me. And in her last message, she REALLY used my feelings against me. It's like all of these secret resentments she was feeling toward me all came out at the same time, and again, I just feel blindsided considering how nice she was up to that point.

That said, going back to how I feel about my previous LO, while I still like her, my social anxiety regarding her would be EVEN WORSE than it was before, where I'd fear invoking a similar reaction in her if I ever saw her again.

Honestly, I see a lot wrong with what I said. Autistic related faux pases, mind blindness, going on too much about topics of interest as they're related to her (aspies tend to belabor points to an uncomfortable degree), and yeah i will admit i got a little too jealous. That's the one thing i think she has a right to be genuinely mad at me about. But from her last message, she wasn't.

That said, I think if anyone is bordering on abusive, it's her (and honestly outside of being intentionally spiteful i think a lot of what she said wasnt necessarily intended that way). All i did was make some jabs at this dude she knows IRL who she was considering dating and about how she doesn't seem to know him very well. I didn't do that to manipulate her (and to be honest, how can i? i can only comment on what she tells me, i dont know the dude or anything she doesn't tell me about the situation), that's my honest observation of the subject at hand. But she basically used my deepest darkest fears against me in a nasty way in a blatant attempt to hurt me, and in doing so, she really undermined my self confidence.

I have a lot to learn from this situation, but it's not necessarily what she seems to intend. Honestly, idk if i can trust anyone with my feelings again any time soon for fear of alienating them. Idk if I can really open up to someone without fear of judgment. Without fear of making some unconscious social mistake that pisses them off like i did here. I hate myself sometimes. Ugh.

Also, even if she apologized, im not sure i can be friends with her any more. Between going for the jugular emotionally, i can't trust her again with anything serious even as a friend, and then there's the fact that i view her as hypocritical for some of what she bashed me about (tbqh she wasn't much different than me until recently), and honestly i know it's not a good idea to base decisions like this off of dreams, but last night i had a dream she apologized and then my limerence came back. That said it might be best that things ended this way. I have reasons to resent her, reasons not to want her back, the limerent bond is broken, and honestly, I can arguably move on in relative peace. I hate that this costed us our friendship but at the same time....again, might be the lesser evil here.
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: LO nuking friendship

Post by Cookie »

ShutUpGhostNappa wrote: Fri May 03, 2019 7:20 pm I hate that this costed us our friendship but at the same time....again, might be the lesser evil here.
Hi Nappa,

It is nearly impossible to stay friends with them, at least in my experience. And in your case, I wouldn't want to. Bottom line, she was mean to you. That's not a friend. All the blame and gaslighting claims from her sound like projection 100%, and you've already assessed that she was the abusive one.

Keep moving forward and let this fog lift. And don't beat yourself up for ANYTHING you said/did/felt. I think often because their emotions are so shallow, they despise anyone else having them...especially when they're expressed as feelings towards them!

My last LO felt nothing under the surface. He pretty much admitted that to me. All of his feelings are for himself, and everyone else is just for his use. Yet he gets a lot of mileage out of playing the sensitive type. We can't be friends, but more importantly I DO NOT want to be. He was mean to me too. What's weird is he tried so hard to be my "friend" after our fling. But he just wanted control back. LO torments his girlfriend and always keeps her guessing about where they stand. I feel the sorriest for her.

Life is short. They're just not friendship material.
Person
User avatar
ShutUpGhostNappa
Posts: 113
Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2015 5:12 am
United States of America

Re: LO nuking friendship

Post by ShutUpGhostNappa »

I do think bringing up limerence killed our friendship ultimately. It caused me to become possessive, and her to become judgmental toward me in a way she was previously not and expect the worst out of me. It kinda brought out the ugliness in all of us.

I do wanna emphasize I don't think I'm totally innocent. I hate how my limerence got the better of me. That it caused me to get possessive and jealous and express such sentiments toward her, even if i did try to sugar coat it the best I could.

but really? Screw her. The more i think about how she treated me, the more I resent her for it and the more I realize she's ultimately the one who burned the bridge. It's quite clear that she thought very little of me, and i dont mean in terms of how much she thought about me, but how she thought about me. She read too many websites regarding toxic relationships, while lacking experience of her own, so she interpreted my behavior in this hyperbolic way due to that being what she was familiar with. She knew i had limerence, and thus, I'm a creep. She knew I was jealous, and thus, a "niceguy". She knew i was a jobless aspie, and thus, a loser. She knew I said negative things about her actual love interest (or more accurately the fact that she knew only surface things about him), and thus, due to my limerence, i was trying to gaslight her into a relationship. it's quite clear just by exposing my vulnerabilities to her, she took them and blew them up into something worse than they were, and she behaved in a way where she obviously thought little of me.

Im really still untangling the damage she did to me. I repeated some of the crap she said about me on an aspie forum and got modded for "promoting incel ideology". Apparently what she said to me and convince me into believing was so toxic, it's what incels literally believe. And Im definitely not one to associate with those guys.

Screw her. I kinda wish i never expressed feelings for her, never developed feelings for her, and never went down that route at all. I knew when i started talking to her it wasnt a good idea. Hence why i was friends with her for over 3 years with few problems. I never really wanted a relationship with her until i relapsed for feelings of my previous LO (who, yeah, i still have feelings for, im rebounding there, but nowhere near as bad as i was) and then she convinced me that: 1) me and her were both so ****ed up that it wouldnt have worked and 2) im too ****ed up to date anyone else. Yeah. That's really the advice she was giving me. It did help me temporarily get over my previous LO as i took what she said to heart, but really...imagine getting over an LO because you realize you're too ****ed up for her and it wouldnt work anyway. And then not being able to find anyone else because of how screwed up you are. And then develop feelings toward people who tell you this. And having that person then reject you because of how screwed up you are, and then blow up on you a few days later and then tell you how screwed up you are while beating around the bush.

And somehow im the abusive one. I dont think she really intended to be abusive outside of the last comments to me, but seriously. She completely and utterly shredded my self confidence.

Im terms of limerence, I think im gonna be okay for the time being. My feelings for my previous LO are nowhere near as bad as they were. They obviously exist, but im more at my "baseline" where it doesnt bother me much. Could relapse in the future again, but who knows.

In terms of my self confidence, i might be dealing from the fallout from this for a while. I mean, i dont even know how i can even approach people now. She's so thoroughly eviscerated my self confidence in terms of approaching people, that i don't know how. And i fear expressing feelings toward anyone in the future for fear my limerbeast will get the better of me and ruin those friendships too. This sucks. Ive already been self conscious enough about my limerence. Now it's just like "welp, i told her, it wrecked our friendship, i dont think i can do this with anyone again".
mamasita
Posts: 1109
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: LO nuking friendship

Post by mamasita »

Cookie wrote: Fri May 10, 2019 1:55 pm What's weird is he tried so hard to be my "friend" after our fling. But he just wanted control back. LO torments his girlfriend and always keeps her guessing about where they stand. I feel the sorriest for her.
Some of these LOs share big time similarities. What continues to amaze me is how even with presented with facts that these are often not the most wonderful people on the planet, it only bursts the fantasy momentarily.
More proof that my limerence is about ME and me alone. :ymsigh:
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: LO nuking friendship

Post by Cookie »

mamasita wrote: Tue May 14, 2019 5:10 pm
Cookie wrote: Fri May 10, 2019 1:55 pm What's weird is he tried so hard to be my "friend" after our fling. But he just wanted control back. LO torments his girlfriend and always keeps her guessing about where they stand. I feel the sorriest for her.
Some of these LOs share big time similarities. What continues to amaze me is how even with presented with facts that these are often not the most wonderful people on the planet, it only bursts the fantasy momentarily.
More proof that my limerence is about ME and me alone. :ymsigh:
YES!

It's the cognitive dissonance factor at work overtime here. What our gut feeling tells us is right, wrestling with our old tricky demons.

I've explained LO's situation (but not our relationship) to several of my wisest friends, and they've all come back with, "Ew...what a creep!" But yet, my mind drifts to remembering the sweet things he said or how funny he is.

This is so not about them.
Person
MoBecksLessLim
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Aug 12, 2020 4:49 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: LO nuking friendship

Post by MoBecksLessLim »

Everyone I speak to tells me how my LO treated me badly and that I deserved better. I hate that I never saw that. Or if i did, the limerent beast chose to overlook that. It helped me to make a list of all the times she did me wrong or did not treat me right and look at that every time I feel like I miss her. Have you tried doing that? Hope that helps x

I have been thinking I may have ASD for a while now but haven't been formally diagnosed. Do you think there may be a link between limerence and autism? I know there one with OCD and ASD and limerence is just a subtype of OCD isn't it?
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 11 guests