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How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

A section to post what worked for you in your healing, recovery and growth. Includes some useful stickies from more experienced members of this forum.
MrSpock
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Re: How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

Post by MrSpock » Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:25 pm

David wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 6:48 pm
MrSpock wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 2:40 am
My position was that if she wanted to sit on the couch she should have tell hem. Her position was that she would never do that because she didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable, so it was my job to do that. We kept arguing each one defending the position.
Another example of gynocentrism training men to be white knights. Does your wife not have the ability to speak?
Right. She does, and should use it.
David wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 6:48 pm
She is the way she is, like it or not, and is my job to work with it.
Only if you carry on being the beta buck. You could find your balls and be more alpha and tell her to stop acting like an entitled child and grow up.
That was very precisely the content of our discussion, maybe even with the same choice of concepts :)

My progress is in the form of being able to argue this sort of thing without a fight. She always plays the poor victim card, and I tend to just want to jump and strangle her :ymhiro:
I'm getting a lot better at keeping the discussion civilized.

What I meant with that sentence you quoted is that, in any case, at the end of the day I cannot change her. I can only change myself, and in the meantime, is take it or leave it. Now I'm way past the "then leave it" phase, as I balanced the pros and cons and I'm NOT better off without.

The attitude of her that I presented here is pretty fucked up in my opinion, but, other than tell her each time she does this, there is nothing else I can do (short of going my way).

Now, one thing that I also figured out over the years, which I didn't mention here, is that we are all fucked up here or there. If I were myself an angel, I might think that I deserve better, but I don't. I'm only telling you what she does... but she would happily tell you what I do, that is just equally a reason to jump and strangle me :)

JohnDeux
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Re: How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Jun 09, 2018 1:20 am

Ivanhoe wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:54 pm
Assuming I am not the only one whose interactions are actually between wounds as opposed to reality, I was wondering how others deal with keeping their relationships ***as sane as possible***. I’m asking about specifics. For example, “we talk every week with an agenda” or “we understand that we are separate people and honor that by reminding each other about it when we realize that we are not interacting sanely, etc.
So my marriage might qualify as being "as sane as possible", but that's not to say it's even remotely sane. The specifics would not be anything formalized. Just the notion that I've had to consciously and firmly address aspects of my life that I won't yield on....or not readily....and those that might be less firm and would benefit from scrutiny. SO is the kind to throw out all kinds of unfiltered comments that most would feel beg to be addressed *immediately*....and for many years I either did address them immediately or developed an ulcer over the fact that something more important needed to be addressed beyond those concerns. A two-pronged approach to this was (with the help of meditation) finally realizing the world won't come to an end if I didn't acquiesce to those searing tirades (imagine a pinata filled with firecrackers, having been doused with gasoline and set ablaze) and additionally calmly, to the extent possible, guiding the conversation to obtain all information needed via a clearer communication stream. So I will ask for the issue at hand, the degree of irritation or discomfort regarding how that issue is being addressed poorly or not at all, how SO would like to see the problem resolved, a time-line for when that issue might be resolved, and finally my own take on the issue. This leads to some clarification and allows a compromise solution to be envisioned. Just as importantly, there are times when *no* compromise is forthcoming--during such conflicts, I stand my ground to the best of my ability, making the judgement call of just how important I feel the issue is to me and the to relationship, and then act on those desires or wishes accordingly. For everything I have just described here, SO....from *her* perspective....has no problems whatsoever with identifying needs and wants and making them known, although it's just as clear that some of her actions of frustration come through as projections from her past.

I'm afraid this offering is more 'rabbit pellets' than pearls of wisdom, but it has produced some cycles of insanity with reduced intensity to those prior that I feel will just be a part of the relationship,....'til death of the body or the union itself do us part. Hope collectively all of the comments here give you something to work with.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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David
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Re: How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

Post by David » Sat Jun 09, 2018 6:12 am

At the risk of hijacking although perhaps its not, I think this thread highlights the differences in how men and women communicate.

Ill start a new thread as gender differences of relationships is an important topic.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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L-F
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Re: How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

Post by L-F » Sat Jun 09, 2018 7:40 am

MrSpock wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:25 pm
She always plays the poor victim card, and I tend to just want to jump and strangle her :ymhiro:
I'm getting a lot better at keeping the discussion civilized.
Transactional analysis. Stay playing the Adult card regardless of what card DW throws at you. I don't like the sound of your wife. If I were her friend, I'd tell her to grow up.

No wonder you are only staying for the kids. But like you said, we are only seeing one side which makes me wonder if it is you who is playing the victim card.

Whatever cards you are playing - stop it!

Last edited by L-F on Sat Jun 09, 2018 3:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

L-F
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Re: How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

Post by L-F » Sat Jun 09, 2018 7:42 am

Ivanhoe wrote:
Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:54 pm
Assuming I am not the only one whose interactions are actually between wounds as opposed to reality, I was wondering how others deal with keeping their relationships as sane as possible. I’m asking about specifics. For example, “we talk every week with an agenda” or “we understand that we are separate people and honor that by reminding each other about it when we realize that we are not interacting sanely, etc.
1. Understanding what makes me me.
2. Allowing SO to see what makes me me.
3. Communication.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

MrSpock
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Re: How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

Post by MrSpock » Tue Jun 12, 2018 1:13 am

L-F wrote:
Sat Jun 09, 2018 7:40 am
MrSpock wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:25 pm
She always plays the poor victim card, and I tend to just want to jump and strangle her :ymhiro:
I'm getting a lot better at keeping the discussion civilized.
Transactional analysis. Stay playing the Adult card regardless of what card DW throws at you. I don't like the sound of your wife. If I were her friend, I'd tell her to grow up.
She has no close friends. Just one "close acquaintance" from a couple of years ago. Except for this one, every one of the people we know and we see are my friends, which makes it even worse because they always take my side, whether I'm right or not.

It's hard for her because when she happens to do those sort of things (which isn't all the time), people really don't like her and that usually creates a problem.
For example, last year we went to a trip to Europe for a Taekwon-do championship. She didn't want to go to begin with, finally accepted, but then she was complaining about this or that all the time, to the point that most people on the trip (the other competitors, some other parents and the organizers) complained to me about her and asked me to "handle" it. It went as far as this: in Cyprus, all woman sleep in one room and all men in another, but one night she was kicked out and I had to get an extra room for just us.
L-F wrote:
Sat Jun 09, 2018 7:40 am
No wonder you are only staying for the kids. But like you said, we are only seeing one side which makes me wonder if it is you who is playing the victim card.
It really is true that she has the victim card like glued to her forehead, exactly like my mother, and unsurprisingly, for the same reasons: a totally abusive father which always told her everything was her fault and she was good for nothing.

But that doesn't mean I don't feel like a victim when she does this sort of thing. Just as it is totally true that when I write something like what I just did above I'm venting out and indulging a little of victimization.

But I'm really not like that as a general trait of personality. If there is any indication, I don't feel like that with absolutely anyone else, or in any other circumstance, ever. In fact, I married at age 28 and finding myself doing that totally caught me by surprise.

MrSpock
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Re: How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

Post by MrSpock » Tue Jun 12, 2018 2:32 am

MrSpock wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 1:13 am
L-F wrote:
Sat Jun 09, 2018 7:40 am
No wonder you are only staying for the kids. But like you said, we are only seeing one side which makes me wonder if it is you who is playing the victim card.
But I'm really not like that as a general trait of personality.
Having said that, I'm going to spend some serious time reflecting and researching into victimization. Even though I'm nothing like a few years ago in terms of feeling stuck on a dead marriage, one thing that has always been the case and never ever changed is the feeling that my wife is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (as I've told her many times). You never know which one you're going to get, and it can switch in a split second. (and no... I won't tell just another story to keep playing the victim)

Natslife
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Re: How do you live in your relationship with your SO?

Post by Natslife » Tue Sep 04, 2018 6:33 pm

My situation is extremely unusual. I am married to someone who is from a TOTALLY different language and culture to me. Like, polar opposites.

What was exciting and different and adventurous in the early years, my dream relationship and marriage based on my personality, quickly became my worst nightmare when the reality of what I had taken on became apparent, and I started to find out we were also poles apart morally. I was emotionally abused for years. And I couldn't leave. Literally trapped. It's complicated but because of international child custody laws, I could well have lost my children permanently had I left, and there was no WAY I was going to do that to them. Physically I was safe. Mentally I had to toughen up. The only way to survive was to emotionally cut off from him. So that is eventually what I did.

Ironically, it was that, that saved our marriage. To this point anyway. We moved to a new, neutral country (we were living in his, now in the US but I am not American). He needed me. At least my native language is English. He started to see me through "American" eyes. He found out all my qualities that he had been ignoring. He is now desperately doing everything he can to repair the damage of previous years and find his way back to me. Unfortunately, before all that started, I met my LO and poured everything I had inside me that I had been holding back into that quasi-"relationship". It's so pigging obvious how and why all this has come about.

Part of my recovery now, is working on trusting him again, enough to break down the emotional wall I put up. While I am still working on recovering from the LE,and getting it under control, my answer to your question is that emotional separation. That is how I was able to carry on with my SO. I went through the motions of being a wife, mother, coworker, friend etc - but my mind was always elsewhere. I was able to do that.

I don't know if I can find my way back to my SO again. The pain and hurt he put me through I can't even begin to understate. all through our wedding day he was cheating, I found out later. He took that away from me. What should have been the best day of my life I can't even look at the photos of now, knowing what was actually going on. I was pregnant with my first child in a VERY foreign country. He took that away from me too. I was scared and alone, giving birth in a foreign language and culture, at my most vulnerable, and he was fucking around on me. I will never get back that experience of having my first child. Instead of excitement and happiness, I was crying and alone in the delivery room with doctors and nurses I couldn't understand, not caring if I lived through it.

I'm no victim. I made the decisions I made at the time for the right reasons and I have no regrets whatsoever on any of it. It has all brought me to this place I am at now in my life. And I KNOW if I can get through everything else I have been through, I CAN get over this.

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