Countertransference

A section to post what worked for you in your healing, recovery and growth. Includes some useful stickies from more experienced members of this forum.
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L-F
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Countertransference

Post by L-F » Mon Mar 06, 2017 8:26 pm

@ David, I cannot locate that article where the therapist used the client's transference to improve his own situation, though I'm sure it happens all the time, without the client's awareness of course. I have read several articles on countertransference when trying to work out my own situation to see if LO was involved in any way. Mind you, I'll never know for sure, and quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn ;) What I gained was new: knowledge, awareness, and perspective. Countertransference is interesting and if done correctly, healing for both client and therapist.

http://ct.counseling.org/2013/09/attend ... nsference/

To all limerents, one sure fire way to burst the limerent bubble is to walk in LO's shoes. Research what it is like for someone being stalked, or even look into countertransference. Of course our LO wuvs and luvs us. Of course we get eye-fucked. Touched. Cared for. But honestly? Whose perspective are we talking about? Seriously, who wants to be in LOs position? Not many if any.

I know when I started looking at things from LOs perspective (or trying to), it scared me. I felt ill that I could have projected the crap I did, which often limerents feel guilty for. But... it is one way to WAKE UP! And GROW UP! Even if it does push some uncomfortable buttons. And pushing those buttons is not a bad thing, it takes guts to own this shit, to face those uncomfortable feelings.

The first step is in telling ourselves that LO probably doesn't love/adore us, or they'd be WITH US.

As for those who marriages have become stale. Do something. Complaining about it solves jack shit. Start communicating feelings, thoughts, dreams, desires or start packing your bags. Why live miserably aye? Why live in fear of something which is possibly imagined. Yes I hear ya, you want to keep things together for the children. Well, tell your partner this is what you want to do and see if you can be on the same page. Don't expect things to magically improve when SO may have NO IDEA what is going on. But I firmly believe the limerent person is probably the boring one. What is that old saying??? Only the boring get bored. Nah forget it, our LO is perfect and we really should propose (-|
Just breathe... this too shall pass.

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L-F
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What kind of stalker are you???

Post by L-F » Mon Mar 06, 2017 8:44 pm

According to the research of Paul E. Mullen and his colleagues, there are five types of stalkers though there can be considerable overlap among the different categories.

• Rejected stalkers who are seeking revenge following a perceived rejection (real or imagined)
• Intimacy-seeking stalkers who are seeking to form a close relationship with their intended target
• Incompetent stalkers lack basic social skills and often engage in stalking behaviour in the hope of becoming intimate with their target
• Resentful stalkers are revenge-seekers who feel they have been somehow wronged by their target. They are often prone to paranoid ideation that is difficult to treat.
• Predatory stalkers seek power and control over their targets and are most likely to intimidate their their victims. These are the stalkers most likely to be charged for their offenses.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me ... ng-stalked
Just breathe... this too shall pass.

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Pandapants
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Re: Countertransference

Post by Pandapants » Mon Mar 06, 2017 10:23 pm

Hmmm I don't think all of us are stalkers who constantly make our LOs uncomfortable. Yes, having empathy is necessary. And having perspective is necessary. But I think most of us are rational people with at least some self awareness. Otherwise we wouldn't be here on the forum.

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Re: Countertransference

Post by David » Mon Mar 06, 2017 10:56 pm

Limerentfriend wrote:
Mon Mar 06, 2017 8:26 pm
As for those who marriages have become stale. Do something. Complaining about it solves jack shit. Start communicating feelings, thoughts, dreams, desires or start packing your bags. Why live miserably aye? Why live in fear of something which is possibly imagined. Yes I hear ya, you want to keep things together for the children. Well, tell your partner this is what you want to do and see if you can be on the same page. Don't expect things to magically improve when SO may have NO IDEA what is going on. But I firmly believe the limerent person is probably the boring one. What is that old saying??? Only the boring get bored. Nah forget it, our LO is perfect and we really should propose (-|
:-BD :-BD :-BD :-BD :-BD

Fabulous article BTW on countertransference - i grapple with self disclosure and like what was written -

When countertransference is recognized and dealt with outside the counseling room, it can enhance the empathy that counselors feel for clients. But in certain unique circumstances, some counselors choose to make use of their experiences more directly — by disclosing specific personal information to clients. In her consultations with counselors, Suttle notes that inappropriate self-disclosure is an early warning sign that personal issues may be unconsciously affecting the counselor. When those feelings are fully acknowledged and explored elsewhere, however, some selective self-disclosure on the part of the counselor may help certain clients to feel more comfortable and open up.
In teaching her students about the delicate issue of self-disclosure, Williams explains that whenever she feels an urgent need to reveal something about herself to a client, that usually indicates it is the worst possible time to do so. “When I’m simply considering it, and there’s no great pressure, then I think it may be appropriate,” she says. “When I feel less pressure, I know it’s more about [the client] than about me. So, I use self-disclosure at those times, but I don’t make it a general practice by any means. Most often it does help the client relax, but it needs to be titrated, and not all clients need to hear a piece of your story.”


Thanks for posting.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

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L-F
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Re: Countertransference

Post by L-F » Mon Mar 06, 2017 11:26 pm

There are some really great articles on this. I also like reading the supervisors perspective (where the therapist is supported to work through issues relating to clients transference)... fascinating. Double whammy!

Haha all because I wanted a snippet of what LO might be going through with regards to limerent students like me. Then it became all about people, perspectives and therapy in general.
Just breathe... this too shall pass.

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Re: Countertransference

Post by L-F » Sat May 20, 2017 8:48 am

“I believe he was unwittingly setting up a situation in which I was suffering and yet had to persevere… And in that way he was giving me just small a taste of what he was going through in his own life: his presenting issue was his troubled marriage in which he and his wife lived separately; in fact she was already living with another man. Every week he would present another almost absurd way his wife had disgraced their marriage and disregarded both him and their daughter that lived at home with him. Why had he put up with that situation for so long?”
Because the T suffered in silence and found his client to be a bore, his feelings gave the clue to what was going on for the client. “And he continues to suffer in silence with his disconnected wife. It was therefore important for him to have me sample just a little of his experience- so that I could understand better what he felt but could not say in these kinds of situations that have recurred throughout his life”
http://insightpsychgroup.com/what-is-co ... nsference/

And yet, here we see a client talk about his T’s countertransference which is a projection and told as such.

https://www.mentalhelp.net/advice/count ... ce-issues/
“This sexual tension is your sexual tension, and you might do well to own it. You don’t have to act on it in any way, but you would do well to own it and take responsibility for it and see it as a reflection of what you (the wholistic you encompassing your body and mind) desire. This tension is telling you something about what you want”

Thus, can we tap into countertransference to experience what it is LO is trying to get across to us? Often you will hear LS feels angry at being ignored or not replied to asap via text, etc, so in this sense, are we getting a true glimpse into LO’s world? A glimpse of their transference where LO has the LS sample just a little of their experience?
Just breathe... this too shall pass.

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JupiterTaco
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Re: Countertransference

Post by JupiterTaco » Mon May 22, 2017 3:02 am

Although I still believe my former LO reciprocated to an extent, I too, freaked out at what I projected. It's a lot to put on someone you don't know or barely know. However I don't think that all LOs across the board are that uncomfortable or even notice the LSs. I really didn't think much of how uncomfortable being the object of one's unwanted affection could be until you started that one thread, LF. I may have felt moments of awkwardness but never full-on fear. Of course I may have just been lucky, I know I've read some stories. Now I feel fear when this happens.

Of course this could have something to do with gender as well. Like when I talked on another thread about how women and girls often get away with things boys and men might not in the same situation. Men across the board seem not to be raised with the fear that women are. Women are by and large raised to see danger everywhere (at least I was) and men seem to be told to take it as a compliment if a woman has a thing for them. Probably even encouraged to partake with her in some way. Vastly different experience across genders.

It might also have something to do with past trauma in LOs. Maybe they're more likely to be triggered in some way when receiving noticeable unwanted attention and that's why people who have been through this maybe don't take it as easily as someone without a past of trauma. It'd be interesting to see a study done on that.

In the meantime I'm going to try to find the link to the case that later became a Lifetime movie about a Florida girl who was stalked between the ages of fourteen until she left for college by a man ten years older than her who was her former junior sports coach. She couldn't leave her house to do the most basic things that other teenagers take for granted. It must have been hell. If I can't find her name I'll find the movie anyway...
"Be careful with your heart and what you love, make sure that it was sent from above"-John Mellencamp/India.Arie Peaceful World

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Re: Countertransference

Post by L-F » Mon May 22, 2017 7:52 am

Good points JT. Most LOs may be indifferent though being admired in a limerent sense imo it is often picked up. I say that because of emotional awareness. The ordinary person or child or even baby can pick up how someone feels (and they wouldn't necessarily need to be in a heightened state either).

So when you have a limerent person who is more than a little 'infatuated', it is highly likely LO is going to pick up on that. What they do about it is another issue of course.

Having been on both sides increased my empathy for LO (regardless of transference/countertransference).

I totally get what you mean about the gender gap re fear.

"Maybe they're more likely to be triggered in some way when receiving noticeable unwanted attention and that's why people who have been through this maybe don't take it as easily as someone without a past of trauma"
Interesting. My mind is ticking over. Yes a study would be interesting. Hmmm... :-? Are you saying that LO could be triggered and countertransfer?

I find projections interesting too. Because even though we are projecting we are actually in the midst of transference (bringing something from out past and projecting on to LO). It is here that I wonder at what level we trigger or draw LO in to play.
I still have more to learn. I just love the mind! So complex.

Poor Florida girl - did he kill her?
Just breathe... this too shall pass.

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JupiterTaco
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Re: Countertransference

Post by JupiterTaco » Mon May 22, 2017 2:15 pm

L-F wrote:
Mon May 22, 2017 7:52 am
Yes a study would be interesting. Hmmm... :-? Are you saying that LO could be triggered and countertransfer?
No, but an LO with past trauma could be more likely to find another's interest in them off-putting possibly?
"Be careful with your heart and what you love, make sure that it was sent from above"-John Mellencamp/India.Arie Peaceful World

JupiterTaco
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Re: Countertransference

Post by JupiterTaco » Mon May 22, 2017 2:23 pm

L-F wrote:
Mon May 22, 2017 7:52 am
Poor Florida girl - did he kill her?
No, I did read up on detail about all of them a few years ago. The girl went off to college, and at that time that I looked, was unsearchable. The guy who stalked her continued to write letters to her parents for years after all of this. The man and the parents still lived within blocks of each other. I'll just never forget seeing a picture of the girl. That look in her eyes of lonely hopelessness. It was quite sad. I'll try to find that info again. :)

People are socialized to give people the benefit of the doubt I think. I would imagine for most people (aside from trauma survivors) it takes something really strange to get their attention via another person's actions toward them but again that's just a theory. My mother was sexually abused and was later raped hitchhiking in her teen years. She put a lot of fear of men into me and it didn't seem fair. I understand the stranger-danger thing but people seem to forget that the people who pose the most danger to kids are people in their own families. Nevertheless she put the fear of men into me and I'm the one who gets to live with it now.
"Be careful with your heart and what you love, make sure that it was sent from above"-John Mellencamp/India.Arie Peaceful World

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