Untangling codependency

A common theme appearing on these forums is co-dependency.
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Isle of Man

Re: Untangling codependency

Post by CrushedSO »

mamasita wrote:
Fri Mar 16, 2018 12:49 pm
CrushedSO wrote:
Fri Mar 16, 2018 2:48 am
mamasita wrote:
Thu Mar 15, 2018 2:33 pm
I think I have related in unhealthy ways for all of my life. It took me a few months to realize that all of my relationships started limerent. Once I got married, I didn't experience limerence anymore, until a couple of years ago, and of course, it was and has caused another major shift in my thinking. A wake up call of sorts.
The first major shift was when I decided I was leaving my DH, almost 6 years ago. After a long road, our marriage was basically burned to the ground, deep wounds, years of resentment, and I felt a freedom wash over me. I was honestly excited to see what my next phase of life would look like without him. I was worried a bit, with children and bills and what my lonely nights would feel like. But all in all, I was ready.
This transition that was occurring scared my DH in a major way. He was determined to "fix" us, and his primary focus became how to make me happy. I was cautious, hesitant, but for the kids I agreed we could try again. It was nice feeling like the queen of the house for about a year, and then things continued to change. My DH's urge to make me happy became his obsession. He obsesses over where I am when he isn't with me. A weekend out of town with girlfriend's 6 months ago STILL keeps him up at night. He worries about me finding someone else, leaving him. After all, I planned on it.
I try to comfort him, tell him I am happy, I'm okay. But his paranoia is a major turn off and angers me considerably.
Yesterday he couldn't reach me while I was at work for an hour or two and it sent him into major anxiety. He knows I get angry when he gets accusatory, so he just holds it in, but the anxiety is seeping out...I can feel it the moment I walked in the house.
So he struggles with anxiety about me leaving, which makes me want to leave. He has created an antithesis of what he actually wants.
We have probably behaved in codependent ways our whole marriage. But I don't want to live this way. I don't want to feel like his property. I don't want to always be doubted and second guessed.
I don't regret NOT leaving 6 years ago. Our children have been able to watch our loving, affectionate relationship change and blossom.
But that's what they see on the surface. Underneath, I feel like I am drowning in his needs.
Like I got myself out of the dysfunction that USED to be our relationship, which was my DH being somewhat disconnected, selfish, uninvolved.
To the NOW relationship which is much more of a partnership, but it is engulfing for me.
In our 20 years together, we have likely spent 5 nights without one another. And he knows what nights they were, where himself or I was, and he creates these scenarios in his mind of what I was doing. He will periodically question me about those times, that's how I know it still bothers him.
These aren't nights I was partying with friends or meeting men. One was a trip to help my sister move. Another was my first trip with friends, 6 months ago. I had such a great time! It pains me that I feel I cannot discuss these times with him, because he wasn't there. My limerence has become so important to me and an obsession to escape my actual relationship. My DH, while loving me genuinely, is limiting and pulling the life out of me.
HE KNOWS I FEEL THIS WAY. We have had discussions with me insisting that I CANNOT MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER. He insists I can, by being more affectionate, more attentive, more like HIM. But I am just trying to live NORMALLY. His way doesn't feel normal to me. But his insecurities get the best of him. And I remain stuck.
I just needed to get this out. I wish I knew how to fix this. =((
Maybe start by communicating honestly with him?!
I don't mince words! He knows how I feel!! I even put it on all caps!
Fair enough mamasita, maybe buy him a copy of “No more Mr. Nice Guy” and have him read it before you two head into counselling. If he’s honest with himself he will see parts of himself in there.

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Re: Untangling codependency

Post by L-F »

Oh mamasita... I can't say anything other than send a great big hug :ymhug:

It was sad reading this tonight. Whatever happens from here on out, I hope it is what you are looking for.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

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Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm

Re: Untangling codependency

Post by Acrobatica »

Sending hugs too. :ymhug:

Your story is familiar to me. My SO is not clingy, but we are not doing a good job of finding ways just to be with each other and not set one another's triggers off. This LE is part of it, but I think this LE is also, in some ways, a result of it.

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