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19 signs of love addiction

Book recommendations and book reviews. Please add reviews of any books you found helpful during your limerence recovery.
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LisaTranscending
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19 signs of love addiction

Post by LisaTranscending » Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:07 pm

Catching myself (and possibly ex) engaging perhaps in some LE behavior. I want to nip this in the bud. it is a long term relationship and the chemistry has not disappeared but I do not want to go down that LE road with him or anyone ever again. I know that love is not built on any of this obsessive indulgent behavior and will take me away from the presence and power of now I am trying to create in myself now that I am THANK HOLY GOD not limerent.

I came across this list of 19 signs in my search to redefine what it was like for me to be limerent. now that communication is on a more healthy friendly level I can see my ex doing things in a more relaxed manner and I don't want to read this or that or the other in any of his behavior but stay highly focused on my own behavior.

of this list.....17 really jumps out at me. (which of course leads right straight to 19) I had a great event out last night with friends and thought of no one in particular while I was out but was really concentrating on being with people, listening to people and sharing time and space with them in a very relaxed but attentive manner. when I got home and crawled into my bed I thought. (as the snow was falling) wow...I have been alone for some time now....the bed is certainly cold, it would be nice to have someone to hug and make it warm with. that thought did not propel me to go down into a painful state of mind however and damn my loneliness because just after that thought I remembered....Lisa, remember all the times ex was just a warm body in the bed but so unwelcoming....so not even inclined whatsoever to hug you or touch your hair or ask you how was your day or how are you my dear....none of that. just another form of loneliness all the time with a warm body. so I reminded myself that intimacy was never really something I enjoyed in my marriage anyway...why pine for it now.

and I did get warm and listened to some beautiful music to make peace with my moments and fell into a warm restful sleep.

I googled this list this morning to remind myself how leaning into love and leaning into wanting love is a very treacherous and painful state of mind. I remember clearly all these states of mind and feel almost on the verge of awakening them again now that the frost is easing on communication with ex, while the frost outside propels one to long for company. if that makes any sense.

so my dearest limerent companions....keep me on the straight and narrow. I don't find myself really capable of full blown out limerence...but I am thinking of ex and I could feel his eyes on me a couple of times when he didn't think I was paying attention. I know that pull. I know how we humans are. I don't want to fall into any pits. I read this list....and i remember my limerence. it doesn't matter who we decide to become limerent about is what I need to reinforce into my awareness...because it's always a painful and addictive quality to it. I must remember this addiction has absolutely nothing to do with true love. I'm not even sure how to define my love for ex as this point in our long term relationship. perhaps that's what's making me slip up a bit. anyway there it is. and here's the list to help all of us remember...these states of mind are terrible and so painful and the antithesis of being present and alive.



http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/ne ... r-partner/



BIG EDIT: if we are not present and alive...we can not give true love, we are merely figments of our true selves. once the addiction to another person starts...the ability to love ends.
Last edited by LisaTranscending on Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

L-F
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Re: not a book...but an article

Post by L-F » Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:28 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:07 pm
I don't find myself really capable of full blown out limerence...but I am thinking of ex and I could feel his eyes on me a couple of times when he didn't think I was paying attention.
His eyes were probably on you because you looked relaxed and it is possibly something he hasn't seen in the last few years of your marriage. When someone looks relaxed, carefree, radiant, confident,
etc... they are going to look like quite a catch. We can't help be drawn to these qualities.

So in all honesty... make yourself look like an angry bird or shrivelled up old grumpy looking woman and you'll have no problem with the way he portrays himself. He won't be looking with loving eyes.

All this talk of self-love on here and how limerents can dig deep to find it for LO but not for themselves... imagine if the LS was glowing with pride, joy, self-love? They are the kind of people you want to be around. They are unbelievably confident and kind that the more loving kindness they give, the more they get.

However, its more about weeding out the ones who can see behind the curtain. And. Finding the ones who can genuinely reflect back the same unselfish loving kindness. Is your SO looking at you with loving kindness Lisa? Or are his eyes attached to his penis?

Sending a big hug
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

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LisaTranscending
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Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: 19 signs of love addiction

Post by LisaTranscending » Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:39 pm

L-F wrote:
Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:28 pm
Is your SO looking at you with loving kindness Lisa? Or are his eyes attached to his penis?
I can't or don't know...and since I don't which it is...does that mean I refuse to know? lol. the look came when my son asked him what he would be doing for the new year. he looked over the table at me in the kitchen and said, "Oh, I don't know." there was a pause. then he said something about how he might go into the city.

that was it.

he has a very big macho problem that stems from his upbringing that I suppose as in the masculinity post men think women really admire. and I suppose to some degree we are "taught" to admire those specific traits while we are socialized and "taught" what is feminine from our schooling by society and what men will admire or reject in us. but...what those traits really mean is a great mystery for both sexes I suppose. I can't know what it's like to be a man. our instincts are so different it seems at times.

the breakup even will be felt in a vastly different sea of emotions while some will be identical I'm sure. he hasn't looked at me with loving-kindness since I walked out on him. there's an edge in his look that is just now softening.

L-F
Posts: 1625
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: 19 signs of love addiction

Post by L-F » Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:34 pm

"I believe the hardest part of healing after you've lost someone you love, is to recover the 'you' that went away with them" Anon

He may look at you with loving-kindness now, however that doesn't always mean wanting 'you'. It may mean (if the look is genuine) that he wants the best 'for' you, in which case he will know that your best life is not a life with him.

Genuine regard will help you to reestablish a healthy relationship. One where you can laugh together and share intimate moments as friends. Perhaps in time. And perhaps if egos don't get in the way.

Loving-kindness only wants the best for each other and for oneself. There will be times when the other looks attractive... I guess it's about paying attention to enjoying the attractiveness without acting on it.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

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