I was thisclose to texting you today

WAIT - instead of texting, emailing or disclosing to your Limerent/Love Object, why not send it out to the universe by writing it here instead.
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FreeBird
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I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by FreeBird » Thu Jul 13, 2017 4:58 am

LO: I was so ready to send you a random text with even more random questions today. I was going to ask you questions about the past, force you to search your brain for an answer just so I can get that "hit". Seeing you respond to my text as quickly and as sweetly as you do gives me that rush. I've been having a heartbreaking week, not that you caused it, just in general. You have always had a kind word for me. What it must be like to receive a hug from you that is meant for something other than to comfort or share in grief. If you had the answer to my question about the long forgotten past, how would I follow that up? What could I possibly text you that is valid, not needy?

I got myself all worked up to text by listening to non-stop limerence-triggering songs. I had convinced myself you had to be listening to the exact same songs because, like me, you were yearning to tell me you felt for me what I felt for you. You must be as exhausted as I am. (-|
"An unexamined life is not worth living"~Plato's Apology

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FreeBird
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Re: I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by FreeBird » Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:13 am

LO: (I think I'm mad at you today and that's never happened before.) I wanted to text you today and invite you out to lunch or worse, ask you out to a jazz club one evening. Yeah, that would go over great with our SOs. How would I even approach that with my DH: "Um, you wouldn't' mind if LO and I go downtown, alone, this weekend to hang out and catch a band, would you?" :-\ And I can just imagine his DW looking at him like he was crazy for daring to form the words "FreeBird asked me to hang out this weekend" Oh my, that would get so ugly, so quick.

What excuse could I possibly use to ask a married man out on a date...and I'm married too? Trying to the invoke the ghosts of our shared past would look desperate and odd. I really have no valid reason to contact him anymore outside of Merry Christmas or Happy New Year's mass texts to everyone in my cellphone directory. That hurts so bad to admit to myself: "I HAVE NO LEGITIMATE REASON TO CONTACT HIM ANYMORE." =(( :((

If LO really wanted me to be part of this phase in his life, he would have long ago invited me/us to birthday parties for his children, invited me/us to backyard BBQs at his new house, or anything else along those lines. He hasn't and probably never will. I'm from his past and he is happy to keep it that way and keep me there.

I was trying to remember if in any of our times together in the past did he ever give me a big, lingering, passionate hug? Did he even ever try to kiss me on the cheek? Did he ever flirt with me? No, no, and no. What am I clinging to? :-??
"An unexamined life is not worth living"~Plato's Apology

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FreeBird
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Re: I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by FreeBird » Mon Jul 17, 2017 11:31 am

Good morning, LO: I have to start my day, but before I do that I have to write down these thoughts in my head so I don't carry them around all day.

If I texted you a random :x or ;;) without explanation , would you be intrigued or freaked out?
If I texted, "I've been thinking about you...don't know why..." would you go for the bait?
If I texted, "You are still as handsome today as you were when I first met you." Again, randomly, would it brighten your day?

LO: I'm grateful when my rational brain kicks in or steps up and reminds me, " You know, FreeBird, if his DW has access to his email, she probably has access to his cellphone, too. Your cute 'harmless' texts could one day result in a phonecall from his DW saying 'YOU NEED TO CUT THIS CRAP OUT!' X(

LO: as of this minute, of this day, you have a part of my heart; you are residing in a corner of my mind. I know one day you will become just a kind traveller and a pleasant passer-by through my memories.
"An unexamined life is not worth living"~Plato's Apology

Heart_Open
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Re: I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by Heart_Open » Mon Jul 17, 2017 1:14 pm

Just wanted to say I am following your post here with interest. This was me back then, and is occasionally me now all these almost 8 years later. That constant internal battle of 'I so very desperately need to see you but I can't... we can't,... you don't care anyway'. Then the despair :( , sometimes the tears, the heart-wrenching frustration at the whole mess =(( .

I hear you and I send hugs :ymhug:

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FreeBird
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Re: I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by FreeBird » Mon Jul 17, 2017 2:08 pm

Heart_Open :ymhug: Your screen name suits you to a T. Thank you so much! O:-)

I've had NC since Father's Day and deleted his number from my cell that same day, but I have looked him up online just to look at his picture. So did I technically break the NC? I'm trying to be gentle but firm with myself in all this madness. Again, I cry out to myself in frustration...why did he feel the need after years of NC to contact me on Mother's Day this year?? My mother passed away almost a decade ago! Why reach out now?? :(( I know I can't ask him. It's so cruel to my limerence, but kind to her memory at the same time.

No answers, just more questions :ymsigh:
"An unexamined life is not worth living"~Plato's Apology

Heart_Open
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Re: I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by Heart_Open » Mon Jul 17, 2017 4:06 pm

FreeBird wrote:
Mon Jul 17, 2017 2:08 pm
Heart_Open :ymhug: Your screen name suits you to a T. Thank you so much! O:-)

I've had NC since Father's Day and deleted his number from my cell that same day, but I have looked him up online just to look at his picture. So did I technically break the NC? I'm trying to be gentle but firm with myself in all this madness. Again, I cry out to myself in frustration...why did he feel the need after years of NC to contact me on Mother's Day this year?? My mother passed away almost a decade ago! Why reach out now?? :(( I know I can't ask him. It's so cruel to my limerence, but kind to her memory at the same time.

No answers, just more questions :ymsigh:
Thanks - if there is one over-arching thing this limerence did for me, it was to break my heart wide open - hence the name. I wish this forum was around when I was going through the real depths of despair but at least now I get to learn from others and share my experiences to help others. So even more purpose from the limerent experience!

I totally sympathise with you last line 'No answers, just more questions'... I am not sure there are answers with Limerence. Definitely more questions but it is in asking those questions we get to know ourselves better. And that is the best thing ;)

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FreeBird
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Re: I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by FreeBird » Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:22 pm

Good morning, LO: just "sending" you this text so I don't have to, once again, carry it with me today. While listening to my favorite limerent songs last night, I was able to finally shed tears for you. The kind of hot tears that come from way deep under your eyes if you get what I mean? They were healing tears, but they were only a few. I know there are more to come. I want to thank you for guiding me to them. I didn't have to wrestle my mind to sleep last night; I was able to surrender to it.

In small ways, you are showing me the way out of this pain. You didn't cause the pain, but maybe you and the LE are here to just walk along beside me, through it. @};- @};- @};-
"An unexamined life is not worth living"~Plato's Apology

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FreeBird
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Re: I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by FreeBird » Tue Jul 18, 2017 11:04 pm

Hey LO: I've started getting some insight since you came back on the scene, so let's continue down that path together. I'm giving you an additional title aside from White Knight and Hero: Guide. One day the name you'll go by in my mind will be your actual name, but not yet.

What obsessing over you does to me: puts me in a fog, makes me unproductive, saps my energy, disturbs my sleep, causes my thoughts to race, creates distance between me and DH, takes me out of reality and away from the Present, and just plain makes me sad.

The "highs" I get from obsessing and contacting you: immediate gratification, unrealistic expectations regarding our relationship, validation, ego boost, and an adrenaline rush. I sound a little like an addict...

Just some self-talk here:
If I did get the reciprocation I long for, then what? Where do we go from there? Would we be satisfied "just knowing"? Are we that strong emotionally? How many lines would we attempt to cross? My limbrain says "Yes, you are both mature adults who are aware what is at stake if you have an affair, so you won't go there. We are of like mind. Why else would he tell me I would ALWAYS (he wrote "always" in all caps) be special to him. He even used emojis!! :ymparty: He is just trying to work out his own LE for me."

Rational brain says: "What it boils down to is you want him to take the responsibility off of you and say 'FreeBird, I only see you as a little sister, nothing more' or ' FreeBird, I've been afraid to admit it to myself and to you that I'm crazy about you too. It's not fair to lay that at his feet. He didn't create your delusions. Just let him be."
"An unexamined life is not worth living"~Plato's Apology

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FreeBird
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Re: I was thisclose to texting you today

Post by FreeBird » Thu Jul 20, 2017 11:29 pm

Ok, LO, you ain't slick. I was doing fine all morning then you had to go tiptoe across my brain. But you know what, that's cool, because I saw what you were trying to do and I stopped you. I peeped your game, son B-) I shook off the thought and continued on with my work. Boy, bye! =;
"An unexamined life is not worth living"~Plato's Apology

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