A question for the boys

[JupiterTaco]

IDK, ,there's just still so much shame around sex today and it's a shame. Everybody wants to do it but nobody wants to talk about it...

[JohnDeux]

JD, I hadn't realised you have a different bedroom. Is that still the situation, in a relationship you've resolved to continue with? Funnily, of all the myriad issues we hear about on here....it's always the partners in separate bedrooms that makes me the most sad.

I think there really are different thresholds for the sexual side of a relationship. I would classify myself as unhappily married, yet not unhappily existing....this latter stage being more product of post-LE. As JT noted, shame has a huge role to play in SO and I's lack of discussion regarding where our sex life went. And certainly if I were asked by the microphone in the street, I would *say* that I felt enjoyable sex (to me) to be an important ingredient for a good marriage....even as I'm not living that idea. What is juxtaposed against this idea are the myriad other creatures around us (around SO and I, that is) for whom sex is a pretty rapid-fire affair....really no foreplay to speak of, at least by the general definition. Which leads me to ponder just how important a good sex life for me *really* is. (A bit more consipiracy theorist, but there's the other aspect of the powers that be *using* sexual dissatisfaction as a driving tool through the media as yet another thing we are *supposed* to want....but that's a topic closer to one of my other personalities! ;-) )

Now I realize that there is a good argument to be made with "it doesn't matter what a good sex life *should* be to you, how important *is* it to you?" And it's there that I've become a bit stumped....because by all measure I should be more disappointed than I am on account of interpersonal sexual abstinence. What I'm finding instead is that, on account of it no longer being a focus, my energy is more available to be more authentic towards the relationship itself. Sure, it would be nice to still have had that sexual interaction all these years, but...quantitatively speaking....*how* nice? And even thought I was never limerent for my SO, the bedroom was one place where I can closest to limerent-like passion....which really kind of frightened both of us at times. But the diversity here on the forum is about what I think many would expect....some not tolerating a sexless marriage for more than a few months whereas others perhaps going most of the relationship with little sexual intimacy.

Soooooo.....you know, ......it gets complicated. What amuses me is that I can go to my massage therapist (the straight up, non-prostitutional kind) and discuss quite freely with her to "spend more time massaging *that* muscle" or "OOOOooooohhh, that pressure point is theeeeee ticket!"...and because it's not sex or sexually arousing, there is no shame in the banter. But no way could I openly have such discussions with SO of a sexual nature during foreplay....that really did not vary much from the banter had of a non-sexual nature with the massage therapist. We are 100+ years past the Victorians....but for some of us, I guess that's not long enough!

[Matty5000]

does a half hour of begging count as foreplay?
jk
we all know it does... ;)
Anywhooo, I like foreplay. The real kind lol. But a lot of guys are selfish and just want to get right down to the no pants dance. Personally I find sex is better when there's a lot of foreplay.
My old man had a funny saying when we had "the talk" as a teenager.

He said "sex is like chinese food. It ain't over till you both get your cookies."

[Maddie]

Matty 5000-- too funny!!!!!

[Idiotic]

Everything is foreplay for me, even texting. Until it isn't

[Marc]

Well, I guess if sex is just something to be over with, maybe people would just skip foreplay. But if I were with a person who didn't want foreplay, I'd start to wonder what was going on. I like to give, and I certainly don't mind receiving. I don't know about other guys - I don't like giving the impression that I'm just trying to fulfill a quota.

[Trident]

This is based on observations and from the stories I've heard... why do men in particular not pay attention to foreplay? I'm pretty sure we all know that it takes women a lot longer to warm up. Thus the importance of it.

You answered your own question. It takes women a lot longer to warm up. Guys are at "top speed" very quickly and for some it tends to get annoying to stay at this top speed for long. They just want to get to the finish line. Maybe the ancient instinct of just procreating as much as possible also has something to do with it.

[FreeBird]

does a half hour of begging count as foreplay?
jk
we all know it does... ;)
Anywhooo, I like foreplay. The real kind lol. But a lot of guys are selfish and just want to get right down to the no pants dance. Personally I find sex is better when there's a lot of foreplay.
My old man had a funny saying when we had "the talk" as a teenager.

He said "sex is like chinese food. It ain't over till you both get your cookies."

Matty5000, FTW

[Ivanhoe]

This is an amazing thread to me ... I found making out for hours with NG the most incredible part of our relationship. Yes we had a lot of sex, but man the kissing and petting was fantastic!
I would urge all SOs to get showered, (guys, shave really close and clip all extraneous hairs, girls, relax), get into very comfortable pajamas with no underwear, and state openly, even though we haven't had sex in .... we are going to make out like the mammals we are for the next twenty minutes and see how we feel.

[FreeBird]

This is an amazing thread to me ... I found making out for hours with NG the most incredible part of our relationship. Yes we had a lot of sex, but man the kissing and petting was fantastic!
I would urge all SOs to get showered, (guys, shave really close and clip all extraneous hairs, girls, relax), get into very comfortable pajamas with no underwear, and state openly, even though we haven't had sex in .... we are going to make out like the mammals we are for the next twenty minutes and see how we feel.

Huzzah! I'm on board, Ivanhoe!