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sex in LTR’s

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David
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sex in LTR’s

Post by David » Mon Jan 15, 2018 12:18 am

I would be interested to read of other’s experiences who are in LTRs around their sexual relationship with their SO?

We see so many couples where the presenting issue isnt sexual and yet there are sexual issues just under the surface. It was also a factor (one of many) that led to my own LE.

Here a few questions i am curious about:

Do people that are in LTRs that have mututally satisfying sexual relationships get limerence?
Do you have totally honest conversations around your sexual likes, dislikes, resemtments and other related issues?
How hard do you work to keep the desire up in a LTR?
Who initiates?
Attitude of each parnter to use of porn?
Attitude to open relationships?
Cultural / religious issues that get in the way?

I would like to hear more of what others here have to deal with in this area that for most of us is at the core of our vulnerability.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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L-F
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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by L-F » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:25 am

Interesting subject. I have always thought that the issue stems from outside of the bedroom yet ends in the bedroom.

Could it be a gender thing? Men are nice when they get sex, women give sex when men are nice?
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by CrushedSO » Mon Jan 15, 2018 1:43 pm

Hi David I will give it a go.

When my wife and I first started dating/living together we had a great sex life. After a few years it tapered off. In 2008 we bought our first house. We were both working full time and our sex life went off a cliff. We overpaid for the house due to the crazy housing market. We were strapped for cash and trying to do renos.

My wife got pregnant in late 2008 and our sex life didn’t improve and I think we were both OK with it. After my son was born in summer 2009 life was hectic as first time parents. After a few months I found myself really sexually attracted to my wife. I felt happy that I had a family and wanted her in more than a pure sexual way. At the same time I was almost completely emotionally unavailable for her (unwittingly and unintentional on my part).

We had sex fairly often but I perceived that she was a bit resentful of that she felt coerced into it. This made me want more sex. Or I wanted her to want it as much as me. I was also building resentments for getting rejected all the time and this would cause me to actively not do things she asked (help around the house etc).

This went on until I became limerent in 2013. After that ended I tried to become better but didn’t really change much at a root level. The whole time I was masturbating 1-2 times a day and watching porn. She didn’t know any of this. When my wife confessed her limerent affair in October of 2017 we started being completely honest. Everything came out. Since d-day I have only masturbated maybe 4 or 5 times and I have completely stopped watching porn. I realize now that those were just distractions too. Mini dopamine hits. We have a lot of sex now and it’s really good. Sex was an issue for me and it’s caused a lot of resentment for me. It was a vicious cycle as L_F said. I wanted sex and when I got it I was nice. My wife gave sex when she felt close and appreciated. I didn’t do any of that until I got sex. None of this was ever discussed between us. Two clueless people and there was always a silent tension. The resentment was always just under the surface. Don’t know if this is what you were looking for.

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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by JohnDeux » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:30 pm

CrushedSO wrote:
Mon Jan 15, 2018 1:43 pm
I wanted sex and when I got it I was nice. My wife gave sex when she felt close and appreciated. I didn’t do any of that until I got sex. None of this was ever discussed between us. Two clueless people and there was always a silent tension. The resentment was always just under the surface.
@David: "I would like to hear more of what others here have to deal with in this area that for most of us is at the core of our vulnerability."

CrushedSO's sentiments dovetail those of my own story and as L-F noted, the old adage of women using sex to get intimacy whereas men us intimacy to get sex seems, in a general way to be operating here. What is equally fascinating to me is the possibility that monogamy is a player in all of this since, even if we were naturally monogamous as a species, we nevertheless....again, generally.....mostly belong to cultures where monogamy is *enforced*---and that in my mind amounts to repression. When one's sex life is declining, it seems almost a reaction to look outside of the marriage/LTR for 'satisfaction'. Since repression tends to be the well-spring of obsessions, then *partly* (but clearly not entirely) the focus on sex (as well as the focus on other partners/LOs) stems from this "forbidden-ness". Will have to think more about this as time permits, but there are a lot of different angles I feel that influence this aspect of relationships and the discussion.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by Havb » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:23 pm

I want sex a fair amount and we have it as a result. The other night he initiated with unusual passion, much to my delight. I have mostly been the initiator in our 15 year marriage ( when dating it was another story). I can honestly say having sex with my husband is my number 1 favorite thing in life, and more for the closeness than the orgasms, which have been better on my own for years. Since I had babies reaching that point during intercourse has been more challenging. I simply finish th job on my own if it’s not completed during sex. The one drawback to a man gaining weight as he gets older is his genitals shrink, a not insignificant factor contrary to the kind things women say about size not being important. Can’t say that has not figured prominently when thinking about LO.

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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by LisaTranscending » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:54 pm

Do people that are in LTRs that have mututally satisfying sexual relationships get limerence?

I think sex is like tiramisu....even bad tiramisu is good. so the mutually satisfying part is built in when people have sex, but where limerence may enter the picture is the lead up into having sex gets messed up with partners tired from work/family, boredom of the same moves...that kind of thing which spills into the bed of any LTR inevitably. the annual vacation is not the remedy. and once the feeling for actively anticipating sex with one's long term partner sets in...it's extremely difficult to get that desire back into the LTR.

Do you have totally honest conversations around your sexual likes, dislikes, resemtments and other related issues?
we did.conversations never translated into changed behavior.

How hard do you work to keep the desire up in a LTR?
if there is no communication outside of the bedroom (affection, caring, adoration, attention) it will show up in the bedroom. the sex is likely to be perfunctory in a sense without those qualities of affection. but...like I said, any tiramisu is good...but if you have quality Marascapone, lady fingers, whipped cream, espresso, and chocolate....now that's what I dreamed about with LO. I complained about frequency more than ex-SO. he was more a worry-wart about life and didn't really turn it off to focus on us. I think I worked hard to keep desire there, taking care of myself, trying to flirt with him. but he's kind of a matter of fact kind of guy and after marriage flirting ended rather abruptly from his side. and I get the feeling he had the expectation that I should be understanding that the sex part of our relationship was now going to be more domestic in a sense.
some of that is cultural I believe. and I'm American (ex is Italian from Italy not American) so American men are more trained to remember cards and flowers, it really does not exist in the older Italian culture. and cards and flowers really do make a women feel at least thought of. that's not to say you are an ogre 7 days a week and on sunday you bring roses and boom! your wife adores you. it doesn't work like that either. but once limerent...I didn't work at all on the LTR...all my makeup, hair, body upkeep...was all for LO. and once limerent...sex with ex-SO was like tiramisu without chocolate. I worried I might imagine that LO was making love to me when I was making love to my ex-SO. but thank god that never happened. in a way that made me feel like when I did have sex with LO....it would still be the "first time." I have never fantasized about another man making love to me while my ex was making love to me. I am rather grateful that I never had to deal with that.

Who initiates?
in my LTR either/or

Attitude of each parnter to use of porn?
both are turned off by it philosophically even if we have both watched it but never together or had any sort of addiction to it.

Attitude to open relationships?
deep into LE I approached ex-SO with the concept. he rejected it. ultimately I agreed that it's not in our passionate nature to endure the possible jealousy that might arise.


Cultural / religious issues that get in the way?

definitely cultural...not any religious for us even if I was raised jewish and attended hebrew school...he is catholic but never stepped foot in a church. the machismo Italian culture wears on me and with each passing year I found it more and more oppressive. and even sexually the machismo lacked the kind of gentle intimacy I dreamed of with LO.

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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by CrushedSO » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:55 pm

Forgot to add that in my marriage 99% of the time I am the initiator. This also caused issues for me that I’m still working out in that I still feel some connection to my old ways where there is a lingering fear of rejection when initiating.

Sometimes I still second guess initiating because I wonder a) will I be rejected? B) will she resent me for trying or feel she is being used for sex?

Since we have been being open and honest (finally), we discuss these things. Old habits die hard I guess and it will take a while to get rid of that anxious thinking. As a man I don’t think I ever acknowledged how much it hurt to be rejected for sexual intimacy by the woman I married. Some nights I would come home from work and climb into bed and try to embrace her or snuggle. She would roll away. That hurt more than being rejected for sex. It was like I was rejected as a person, like she didn’t even want me to touch her. In her defence, during those times she was convinced I was trying to get sex from her. Both of our resentments just perpetuated the cycle.

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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by NVTS » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:00 pm

[-(
Last edited by NVTS on Tue Jan 16, 2018 7:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by Dejected » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:49 pm

I actually think this is a huge component.

1. Do people that are in LTRs that have mututally satisfying sexual relationships get limerence? Good question. I doubt it. I think it is probably biological for us to find outlets for sexual urges if they aren't being fulfilled for any reason.
2. Do you have totally honest conversations around your sexual likes, dislikes, resemtments and other related issues? No. My husband is terrible with criticism. He's a germ freak. He's incredibly boring in bed. Sex only became fulfilling to me when I learned to take care of myself during the act. He doesn't turn me on and really doesn't try at all (and his skills suck). All these years I thought it was me, maybe we both were never attracted to each other. That has resulted in a very stable (friendly) relationship with very little turmoil, however. I always wondered (and suspected) that he had some pretty serious perversions and I was his "beard" so to speak.
3. How hard do you work to keep the desire up in a LTR? I don't think that you can do any "work" to create desire. It's like trying to pray away the gay - not going to happen. Sexual attraction is one of those things - it's either there, or it is not.
4. Who initiates? Always him. I used to reject him or make excuses (because the sex was so lousy - no surprise there - Pavlov??), but now I never do. This is going to sound terrible, but I close my eyes and try to think of my LO. Sad, I know. I actually think our sex life has improved since this episode of limerence! Maybe this is my mind's way of helping me achieve some kind of fulfillment.
5. Attitude of each parnter to use of porn? He used to watch porn all the time (maybe he still does). It used to drive me crazy because I felt like he was picking the porn over me, and it was an infidelity - building further sexual resentment. But he could probably sense that I didn't want sex from him (no surprise, given that I never climaxed).
6. Attitude to open relationships? Fine for him, but not OK for me.
7. Cultural / religious issues that get in the way? None.

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Re: sex in LTR’s

Post by Idiotic » Mon Jan 15, 2018 5:07 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:54 pm

even bad tiramisu is good.
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