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A Potential Disasterous Combination

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AMA210
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A Potential Disasterous Combination

Post by AMA210 » Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:38 pm

Take a middle aged female, menopausal, mood swing-ish, bored housewife, excitement seeking, rebellious, greatly infatuated limerant and combine with a middle aged male, over stressed, attention-seeking, blameless, passive and notorious for allowing boundaries to be crossed.

Definitely a disaster waiting to happen.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

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LisaTranscending
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Re: A Potential Disasterous Combination

Post by LisaTranscending » Tue Feb 07, 2017 8:26 pm

there's something like an identity crisis in all of this.

I found this definition of "identity" from psychologist Erik Erikson (who coined the term itself)

Erikson described identity as:

"...a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, paired with some belief in the sameness and continuity of some shared world image. As a quality of unself-conscious living, this can be gloriously obvious in a young person who has found himself as he has found his communality. In him we see emerge a unique unification of what is irreversibly given--that is, body type and temperament, giftedness and vulnerability, infantile models and acquired ideals--with the open choices provided in available roles, occupational possibilities, values offered, mentors met, friendships made, and first sexual encounters." (Erikson, 1970.)

but he asserts that an identity crisis can loom not just in forming the identity, but whenever that identity is called into question, through changes,

I also noted these "status" of the identity:

Identity Statuses
Identity achievement occurs when an individual has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one.

Moratorium is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.

Foreclosure status is when a person has made a commitment without attempting identity exploration.

Identity diffusion occurs when there is neither an identity crisis or commitment.

limerence fits somewhere in this. but where? I think now that I'm going through the process of re-organizing myself socially in the eyes of the world, I'm in some kind of moratorium. LE itself may fall under foreclosure, in that we commit to the new status of confusion to a new state, but focus on the LO, rather than attempting to focus on the identity exploration of the core ailment?

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LisaTranscending
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Re: A Potential Disasterous Combination

Post by LisaTranscending » Tue Feb 07, 2017 8:50 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkslY_Fxw0Q

of course I married very young. so this interview is interesting because according to Erikson, marrying too early is forming an identity through the marriage, and it's quite possible that I've never done the work alone.

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David
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Re: A Potential Disasterous Combination

Post by David » Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:08 am

LisaTranscending wrote:
Tue Feb 07, 2017 8:50 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkslY_Fxw0Q

of course I married very young. so this interview is interesting because according to Erikson, marrying too early is forming an identity through the marriage, and it's quite possible that I've never done the work alone.
Nice Avatar LT

Great clip and bang on IMHO. SO was 20 when we married and often laments she married too young. I asked this question more than once during my therapy training - Is the path to individuation harder when in a LTR or being out of a romantic relationship?

If nothing else, we are going to get triggered more than anywhere else in a romantic relationship and if both sides are prepared to grow then perhaps its possible to develop an identity within a marriage. In my experience that rarely happens as its rare that both sides do the long deep slow recovery work at the same time so imbalances develop and ruptures occur.

When we develop L in our mid life and whilst in another relationship, we are presented with the opportunity of doing the growing up which would have been better to do when we were in our teens and early twenties. :(
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

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LisaTranscending
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Re: A Potential Disasterous Combination

Post by LisaTranscending » Wed Feb 08, 2017 12:24 pm

Thanks David. This Erikson is so fascinating. jewish mom/aryan dad. he had an identity crisis very early on in 1930's Europe while race and identification was at the heart of European politics in that time. he physically was blonde/blue eyes. so he had trouble at hebrew school, but then when he got to grammar school, got trouble there for being jewish. his biological father disappeared very early in his life. he didn't start to feel like "himself" (according to his own daughter) until he changed his last name (not taking the father's name) to Erik "Erikson." which is just his first name and very symbolically makes himself the father.

it mimics my own personal identity crisis in that mom is hispanic, dad is jewish. neither group actually believes i belong in either category. in fact my cousins still to this day call me "gringa" while the jewish side always brings up my mother's catholic upbringing (in spite of a conversion).

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