Life without Sex - Celibacy

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RedPencilMentality
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Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by RedPencilMentality » Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:00 pm

I've recently become celibate. I am a single, heterosexual, early-mid aged (35) female.. I have all the appendages that nature intended and, although modesty forbids that I class myself as good-looking, attractive men still make me interesting offers of intimate entanglements – and, yes, some of them are even sober at the time.

So why am I celibate? Personal reasons, I'd rather not discuss on an open forum.

If you met me in the street you probably wouldn't even know that I live my life this way. Certainly nothing off-putting to any potential mate. So why celibacy? At first, after my last break-up, I could have gone one of two ways. I could have dived head-first into a flurry of empty, hedonistic sex in a quest for revenge against all men for my ex-partner's treatment and exploitation of me. I didn't; although it crossed my mind. Instead, at first, I took some time out to grieve for the loss of a relationship that had meant a lot to me and, to be honest, to feel bloody sorry for myself ( for being so vulnerable, hurt and lost at the time and unable to see what this was about). Worst still, maybe even for the first time, I trusted that person. I really deeply trusted and decided to give my life to them. What I experienced is impossible to repeat with anyone, ever.

But what to do after that? After I had spent some time in thought, both consciously and sub-consciously, I slowly came to the conclusion that celibacy was the way forward. I know within that I could live a life of permanent isolation like an anchorite, yet I know also that I would not want to. Frankly, I love men. I love their company, the sound of their voices, the way that although they occupy the same physical space as us women yet they seem to inhabit it so totally differently. The thought of not sharing their company was, and is, unthinkable to me. I have always preferred sex within a relationship to one-night stands. I am not a puritan, but I prefer the greater intimacy that you can achieve through a shared exploration of each other's body and desires.

Do I miss sex? Yes, but not as much as I thought that I would. Arguably, sex is an addiction. Break the cycle and, over time, the physical and psychological "need" for sex lessens – you can do without it, hard as that may be to believe. Yes, you still think about it, but over time those thoughts lose their power. I have read assiduously about the various techniques employed by monks and now understand the supposed benefits that they derive from abstinence.

However, being celibate has actually improved my relationships with men – at least those that I already know (getting to know new people of the opposite sex is still no easier, although you can be seen as a "challenge" by some, which can be … interesting). Once you remove the potential for sex from the relationship, and both parties are aware of that, it changes the dynamic of the friendship completely. You can both be relaxed in each other's company in a way that is not possible otherwise. Daft, but seemingly true. Look, for example, at the similarly close relationships that some women have with gay men.

So would I recommend celibacy to my fellow women and men? I appreciate that my circumstances are not normal – and anybody finding themselves in my position would have to make up their own mind on the matter. However, people consider celibacy for many and varied reasons; so if you are considering it, I would say that it is not something to fear and can indeed be a positive choice (and, let's face it, if you try it and don't like it then you can always change your mind). Even taking a break from sex, or at least taking a break from the obsessional quest for it, can often be incredibly rewarding (....as I am learning!).

Would you consider becoming celibate and if so, for how long?
L.O.V.E. always wins.

sydney0845
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by sydney0845 » Sun Jul 16, 2017 5:48 pm

It’s interesting that you say it has improved relationships with men you already know. Is that men you know platonically, with maybe an undercurrent of sexual tension that has gone away since choosing to be celibate?

I get what you are saying about the dynamic of the friendship being improved, but I think that could also be just because both people know that sex / a relationship isn’t on the table.

In the last 18 months or so I have become better friends with a woman I’ve known a long time, and another who happens to be my LO.

I see the former from time to time for a drink or a coffee and have stayed at the laters a few times. I think they are the sort of friendships you describe - easy company with someone of the opposite sex, with neither of them expecting any romantic or sexual advances.

From my point of view it’s interesting as they are very similar friendships with the exception that I have feelings for my LO. But the other friendship kind of acts as a reminder of how LO almost certainly isn’t interested in anything any more than the other friend. (Not least because I’m with someone else anyway).

In short, I think those friendships are possible if there are barriers to anything happening, be that celibacy or the unavailability of one or both partners.

songofhiawatha
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by songofhiawatha » Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:35 pm

Interesting topic and I am, perhaps, deviating slightly to the subject of 'jealousy'.

I am always very aware when socialising with members of the opposite sex who are married or partnered, as I am, and make sure that I pay as much attention to the male partner as to the woman. Mostly this is not difficult because I genuinely like the partner who may be an old friend of mine.

My wife, on the other hand, has no compunction in paying special attention to a male she is fond of, even in front of me. I really do not think that she does this in any way 'to put me down', she just feels it natural to act herself - which can be very flirtatious, though she doesn't realise this and does not understand that I have, on occasions objected. She then accuses me of being jealous.

I think it stems from the fact that my wife doesn't enjoy sex and really hasn't from the beginning of our marriage many years ago. I honestly do not think that it has anything to do with me, though, of course, I may be mistaken. There is a particular friend who, until recently, was also a reasonably good friend of mine, but I found that they were having a lot of perfectly open chats on the phone, sometimes when I was around my wife and exchanging emails without copying me in. They had, in fact, been doing this for years, without my objecting but, I suppose, it suddenly hit me that they were getting a bit too intimate. He had known my wife before we were married - they were at University together. He is married to a perfectly nice woman who is, perhaps, a bit dreary, who my wife and I both like. On one or two unfortunate occasions in the past year I said that I found that their relationship was a bit too close, while acknowledging that it was in no way based on sexual attraction. I described it as an 'emotional' relationship which I said was no different from the one I then had with my LO - see my many posts about my LO who at one point my wife realized that I was 'in love with', though not sexually. My wife vehemently said that the situation between the two of us was quite different. (Her male friend is the same age as her - very ancient!, while my LO was half my age - obviously a threat in her mind!)

These things are so difficult, but I feel very bad and ashamed that I should be feeling this jealousy which I am trying very hard to control and am saying to my wife that I am quite happy to see this couple, although I have noticed that they have been more careful to reduce their communications so as, presumably, not to offend me. My wife told her friend of my predicament and the other couple have purported to have been very saddened that I felt this way as they ' loved' me as much as my wife.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

SoH

JupiterTaco
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by JupiterTaco » Sun Jul 16, 2017 8:11 pm

The only thing I can say is that this is why it's awkward socializing with couples. I've had such bad experiences with it that I stopped trying a long time ago. It's got to be bad enough socializing as two couples, it's much worse as a single woman. I think the difference might be that other couples are seen as "safe" and not likely to become a threat to the relationship. Reality couldn't be further from the truth though.
"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel"-Dio, Holy Diver

JellyBean
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by JellyBean » Sun Jul 16, 2017 8:19 pm

Would I consider it?

If single - yes. Why? Because sleeping around doesn't appeal to me.

Would I consider it for life and remain single? No. Why? Because of that old saying 'never say never'.

If I were single and ended up an old wise bird who remained celibate because no one worth my time crossed my path, would I be upset? Not one bit.

If you delve into energy, sexual energy is quite potent. It's this potency that can be harnessed and channeled in to productive creative energy which enriches lives.

Being celibate is a lifestyle choice, like going vegan. Nothing harms nobody if it's what the heart, mind, body desires.

JohnDeux
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by JohnDeux » Mon Jul 17, 2017 2:15 am

"Celibacy (from Latin, cælibatus") is the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both,..."

Tough one. I know that my sexually abstinent status (while married) can be laid at my feet for not pursuing the issue with SO (and *that* can be laid at both of our feet for lack of interest). Nevertheless, I sometimes wonder about the bad ju-ju laid on me from my mother, always insisting she wanted me to be a Catholic priest! My comeback was always "Why.....what did I do to deserve that fate?!" :-s But at the end of the day, I'm as celibate as most of them....maybe moreso. :ymsigh:

JupiterTaco
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by JupiterTaco » Mon Jul 17, 2017 5:00 am

JohnDeux wrote:
Mon Jul 17, 2017 2:15 am
"Celibacy (from Latin, cælibatus") is the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both,..."

Tough one. I know that my sexually abstinent status (while married) can be laid at my feet for not pursuing the issue with SO (and *that* can be laid at both of our feet for lack of interest). Nevertheless, I sometimes wonder about the bad ju-ju laid on me from my mother, always insisting she wanted me to be a Catholic priest! My comeback was always "Why.....what did I do to deserve that fate?!" :-s But at the end of the day, I'm as celibate as most of them....maybe moreso. :ymsigh:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldne ... women.html
:-$
"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel"-Dio, Holy Diver

Spinnaker
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by Spinnaker » Mon Jul 17, 2017 5:38 am

RPM

If I were single, I doubt if I would willingly choose a life of celibacy. Not because I need sex, but because I don't see the benefits of that lifestyle.

Not aimed at you with the following...but...
I am not sure why people I know who "go celibate" seem to enjoy telling people. Seems like one of those things which, in general, doesn't need to garner an announcement.

" I have read assiduously about the various techniques employed by monks and now understand the supposed benefits that they derive from abstinence. "

I'd be curious to learn the benefits (like the monks) you've found since becoming celibate, besides what was shared...
"The biggest secret to limerence is that it has nothing to do with LO."

Limerentfriend :ymhug:
aka L-F

sydney0845
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by sydney0845 » Mon Jul 17, 2017 7:34 am

I think that’s what I was getting at before - I wasn’t sure the improved relationships with men was necessarily down to being celibate.

Presumably it should be possible for both parties to realise that sex is not an option without either party needing to be celibate.

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RedPencilMentality
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Re: Life without Sex - Celibacy

Post by RedPencilMentality » Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:20 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Mon Jul 17, 2017 5:38 am
RPM

If I were single, I doubt if I would willingly choose a life of celibacy. Not because I need sex, but because I don't see the benefits of that lifestyle.
The trick is: you have to "actually' experience it to see the benefits.
Spinnaker wrote:
Mon Jul 17, 2017 5:38 am
Not aimed at you with the following...but...
I am not sure why people I know who "go celibate" seem to enjoy telling people. Seems like one of those things which, in general, doesn't need to garner an announcement.
Can you point them in my direction? :ymblushing:

Seriously though, I am not enjoying telling people at all, it would make me a hypocrite. Sorry to hear that such announcement bothers you. I know it's not aimed at me but, I am merely sharing with a view to inspiring others, and to find out if anyone has ever done it before? Unlike you, :ymblushing: I don't get to meet people who announce to me that they decided to become celibate and I'd really like to speak to them and meet them.
Spinnaker wrote:
Mon Jul 17, 2017 5:38 am
" I have read assiduously about the various techniques employed by monks and now understand the supposed benefits that they derive from abstinence. "

I'd be curious to learn the benefits (like the monks) you've found since becoming celibate, besides what was shared...
This is a very complex question which is way beyond the scope of this forum to answer. The main thing to remember is, unless you are already married of course, deciding to go celibate and pay respect to such thing as "marriage" in a traditional sense i.e. not sharing bed unless you are actually married and committed to that person, really stood for something (at least some years ago) and we have to ask ourselves why that has changed. I am merely trying to live my life in a traditional way as guided by the Devine providence. So I am celibate until, if I am meant to, I meet the parson on the same wavelength. Someone who (like me) is willing to self-sacrifice for the sake or marriage and spend the rest of his life in that way. Simple as that.
L.O.V.E. always wins.

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