patience isn't easy

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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trievermom
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patience isn't easy

Post by trievermom »

I need help being patient. I thought I was patient and had perseverance. Limerence is teaching me the meaning of love and loyalty, and it isn't for sissys! Have you ever seen the movie, My Best Friend's Wedding? The scene where Julia Roberts steals a truck to follow her friend, and he's following his fiance? Well, that's how I feel. I'm loving my husband while he's chasing his LO, and no one is following me! But, I know he loves me, it's just tough!! Any input? I want to go the distance and this is so incredibly tough. Any ideas? Waiting, waiting, waiting. . . . on a good note, there is a counseling appt for next Wed, I am praying.

ddavey1968
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by ddavey1968 »

Have you read any of joe beams articles on limerence?? Or better yet show them to your husband. I know this is so hard. I watched my SO let his LO take over my home, my family, & my life while we were still living together. And her narcissism rubbed it right in my face. Well he left and they are together now & in her narcissistic state and his limerence they are trying to erase the fact that I am my daughters mom- they want our daughter every weekend, he won't agree to co parenting counseling with me and they act like this woman actually has a right to my child. I don't want my child anywhere near this woman. It just amazes me - she's taken just about everything else from me as I had to sell my home I had for 15 years when he left because of the debt he left me in, they have find so much damage I can't believe they're still trying to hurt me / like they haven't done enough . I hope he snaps out of it soon / he's going on 3 years because he is not the man I knew and it's hurting our child.

trievermom
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by trievermom »

ddavey, yes, I have read Joe Beam; I love his thoughts and approach. I'm so sorry for your pain! Someone gave me this, and I have it posted on my fridge, it's a variation of the serenity prayer. Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. Believe me, I know the pain that limerence, and we as people, can cause each other. The only thing we can do is help and fix ourselves, and sometimes when we change the "dance" we are doing, it changes how others interact with us, because we've changed how we respond. That's not the reason to fix ourselves, but it is an outcome. For example, I used to react out of emotion, instead of acting out of thought. I don't do it perfectly all the time, sometimes I default, but I am learning not to react, and that causes us to have a much more peaceful environment, even when my husband is angry with me, for no reason. Instead of yelling or saying something nasty, I calmly say either a fact, or maybe that what he said hurt me, or I don't say anything at all. It causes him not to be able to point a finger at me, instead of looking at his own behavior, and I don't play a part in the roundy rounds. Again, I hear and empathize with your pain, it's so so hard.

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David
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by David »

I feel for both of you. Your patience and tolerance, whilst testing, is a great example to other SO's of what us limerents need. We need a secure base (like our parents should have given us) whilst we are bouncing around in lala land. The best thing my SO did (and it must have taken her great courage) was to initially place no demands on me including not insisting i stop my training course where i interacted with my LO, despite what all her friends were telling her to do. She told me i was an adult and if i wanted to leave she couldn't control me and i had to decide for myself what i wanted to do. As i got stronger (my ego became healthier) so she did start expecting more from me as far as our marriage went, especially after a few years of limerence when my LO wanted to reconnect with me.

I think limerence makes us regress to such an early state (toddlers) that we need a parental figure to give us some stability. Whilst i shudder at the suggestion that we need our SO's to become our parents during our madness, chances are us limerents have always looked to our partners to be our parental figures -albeit unconsciously.

Ive asked SO a couple of times to write an article on what advice would she give to partners of someone in the midst of an LE. Ill badger her again. Maybe we will do a youtube clip of me interviewing her?

ps ive moved this thread to the "help - my partner id limerent over someone else section"
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

trievermom
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by trievermom »

Oh David, I would love some input from someone who has gone before me on this journey through limerence! Applause, applause to your SO. This is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done, and most days, lately, I have found myself crying more than once. It's been about 3 months since we realized it was limerence, but we've been living through it for 9. The worst months were Feb and March, I thought I would die. Is that dramatic? It just felt awful and was so incredibly chaotic. I had no idea what was going on, what to do or where to turn. Thank God, literally, I found out about limerence. I just can't tell you enough how thankful I am for this site. It is such a valuable resource for info and support!

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David
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by David »

trievermom wrote:I thought I would die. Is that dramatic?
not at all, limerence is serious shit and we have no idea how many people take their lives over issues related to infatuation, limerence, obsession, love addiction. And what about the stress created by limerence? This will have health impacts as well. In the early days of limerence i was having panic attacks, serious weight loss, bowel issues, post -coital cephalgia where more than once i was convinced i had burst a brain blood vessel and was dying. And all that was against a medical background that did nothing to allay my fears i was losing the plot.
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

trievermom
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by trievermom »

David, thank you for sharing, and my husband also, has many of the same problems. I cannot count how many days he has told me, "I'm not going to make it" His appetite and stomach are a mess, he doesn't function at a very high capacity, but I have to say, his job, which keeps him on the road, at night, 5 nights a week, for 12-14 hrs/day, is really not helpful, and was another impetus for limerence. And honestly, since his LO is half way around the world, and on the same time schedule as him, Sun-Thurs, I am praying for a change in his hours. This whole thing is surreal. Is limerence still a struggle for you, and an issue in your marriage, or is it resolved? How long did it take the two of you to work through it, if you don't mind my asking? I'm really struggling to hang on to hope, and remember that this is a process, and it isn't going to get fixed quickly or easily, but difficult just doesn't describe it, and I don't know anyone, outside of this forum, who knows about, let alone understands, limerence or what my husband and I are going through. Within the last couple of weeks, he has started telling me that it's going to be okay, and he did make an appointment with his counselor, for this week. He hasn't gone since Feb. His personality is so altered from what it was, sometimes I feel as if I really don't know him. I am determined to see this through, and his counselor, who I've been seeing, told me to view his LO as a "thing", because he is attracted to the feeling. But things don't reciprocate, or have agendas, and she does, and that is what I struggle with. I know the battle is in my mind, but I fail all of the time, to keep the right perspective. I'm having a great difficulty not allowing my life to center around him and the limerence, because that's co-dependence. I don't try to fix him, but I work so hard to do differently, what I did so wrong in the marriage, before limerence. Anyway, thanks for your input.

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David
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by David »

trievermom wrote:Is limerence still a struggle for you, and an issue in your marriage, or is it resolved? How long did it take the two of you to work through it, if you don't mind my asking?
No limerence is no longer a struggle, although there are still unresolved projections that I wasn't able to work through. Yesterday, i had the opportunity to work through some of these unresolved projections in a workshop. It was incredibly painful for me and a deeply powerful lesson in how i need to find more compassion for people who display a similar energy to my father and how quickly and deeply i go to shame when ive acted out. The analogy of personal growth being like peeling back the layers of onion is such a beautiful metaphor, with the layers coming away so comes tears. And there are always deeper layers.

As for time scales, thats a hard one as we are all different, we all come to limerence with different life experiences, different support systems, different resources, different psychological defence systems, different relationships, different partners, etc etc. For me and my wife, this work has been deeply painful, slow, and has required both of us to dig deep during some very difficult times. Is it worth it? After my acting out yesterday I sometimes think no, its just too painful, and then i find the resources to get back on the horse and carry on with my growth. So overall, yes, the results are immeasurable both for me as an individual and also our marriage. Limerence was a catalyst for that growth. The projection i placed onto my LO somehow allowed just a chink to appear in the concrete that my heart had become encased in (hardly surprising given the madness i grew up in) and with the support of a good therapist, and my own hard work, gradually the concrete has been chipped away. That doesn't mean to say there are is no shortage of concrete suppliers to come back in and add a few more layers of protection, so it becomes a an ongoing effort to not shut my heart back down.

I was deeply wounded as a child and want to break that legacy. I have a responsibility to myself, my children and to my clients to continue to get healthier. For me, it will be a never ending journey, as much because it aligns with my own internal values and informs the work that i do that gives me meaning and purpose.

It takes us decades to become this way, the damage doesn't get reversed in weeks nor months. the good news is our brains are rewireable (neuro-plastic) so we can learn new behaviors, we can teach an old dog new tricks. The great news is your SO is going back into counselling. and you being here tells me you have a desire to also work on your own stuff and take responsibility for that and these are such important elements to be in place for any relationship to be nurturing and loving.
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

trievermom
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by trievermom »

David, thank you, and I so relate to all that you're saying about your process, both for myself, and my husband. I believe that all things are possible, and I had no idea how many things I still needed to change about my thought processes, not only about acting instead of reacting, but just in the way I view myself. My husband and I, both, were deeply wounded as well. And yes, I'm sure that people have too many varying factors to have a timetable which fits anyone else. I know that, I think I just keep searching for the light at the end of the tunnel, when what I really need is more faith, and patience. Ugh! I did relay your offer to my husband, and I think he's stored it in the back of his mind. I have learned to put thoughts out there, just once, and then leave it. Thank you for sharing, I deeply appreciate it.

Turtle
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Re: patience isn't easy

Post by Turtle »

David wrote:
Sat Jun 13, 2015 5:44 am
We need a secure base (like our parents should have given us) whilst we are bouncing around in lala land.
Sorry for digging up an old thread- that just cought my eye.

Are you happy in lala land, with the affair?

I just don’t get why is my husband doing this, the pain, what does he gain?

At least, happiness?

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