Husband and LO

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Turtle
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:29 pm
Austria

Husband and LO

Post by Turtle »

Hi all,

I’m new to this forum with an urgent and probably frequently asked question.

My husband of 18 years is having an affair.
I don’t know the exact timelines, however, we had a strong and fulfilling marriage, during the last years with all that life happening there was this one issue popping up every couple of months. I clearly underestimated it, however we both agreed that this was the only thing we ever argued about.
10 months ago we had not an argument, but a fight, my husband obviously told his secretary about it, and the affair started sometime after. I’m not sure. He got himself an apartment, and 5 months later(May) they signed a lease together.
This is completely out of character for him. We built a life together we were proud of, he’s always been committed as a husband and a father.

I do understand limerance and I do understand it just happens in a vulnerable moment, you don’t think it’s a bad thing to talk with someone who understands (i know his colleagues, he’s never been particularly interested in her. He’s 45, shes 28).

Mar- late June he was pretty much withdrawn and secretive, spent one day per week with our two teenage kids. They signed the lease in May and mid June he introduced her to our kids.
In July he started spending a lot more time with the kids, at first sometimes with her (taking her to all our places, including a day trip to my hometown with our kids on our wedding anniversary like every year), doing all the things we had been planning to do), since mid August basically without her.

There are no legal actions, as he hasn’t started any. It will still take another year, 3 years if I don’t agree til he could file for divorce.

Our interactions have become friendlier and more frequent, too, I’ve always been polite, confident, taking care of myself, didn’t buy into any argument.
He’s not so much vilifying me, but rewriting history. We’ve never been happy.
I would have guessed mid/ late June was a peak and things got calmer since, though the LO seems to be quite jealous.

Anyway they moved into that apartment this past weekend, and it’s really taking a toll on me.

We had not a perfect marriage (though he often said we did), but a strong, supportive, we could just be ourselves.
My hope is this limerence will fade and we’ll have a chance to rebuild.

I’ve always been strong and considerate, but knowing him living with LO is hard, and it’s hard for our kids, too.
I was hoping that now they’re in a relationship, limerence will fade, or, as some put it, the bubble will break once they’re in reality.

Has anyone any experiences how long this can take?
How quickly does limerence fade?
Given the fact that they rushed right into full blown limerence, is there a correlation that they’ll rush right to the end of it, too?

I just don’t know if I can take this for years. Maybe a couple of months, but I’d hope it’s even quicker.

Thanks for reading.
K

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PVSDO
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Re: Husband and LO

Post by PVSDO »

Turtle wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:58 pm
Hi all,
Hello. Sorry to hear about this awful mess.
Turtle wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:58 pm
There are no legal actions, as he hasn’t started any. It will still take another year, 3 years if I don’t agree till he could file for divorce.


Why not? How have you protected yourself "JUST IN CASE." you dont have to answer here just something to think about.

Turtle wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:58 pm
He’s not so much vilifying me, but rewriting history. We’ve never been happy.
I would have guessed mid/ late June was a peak and things got calmer since, though the LO seems to be quite jealous.


The rewrite is a normal part of limerence, dont be too alarmed. Your the mother of his children why would you expect his LO to not be jealous? glad things calmed down.




Has anyone any experiences how long this can take?

I was stuck in limerence for 2 years and about 7 months. (I know this info didn't help with what you wanted to hear. sorry. but its true)

How quickly does limerence fade?

there was no other woman or kids for me so it depends on how fast he gets tired of having a jealous woman take up space and time. They moved in together so I am going to think the secret excitement will fade. They work together so he will find out that she is not the fantacy his limerence made her out to be. In my mind they moved so fast that they will fall hard.

Given the fact that they rushed right into full blown limerence, is there a correlation that they’ll rush right to the end of it, too?

Did they both rush in or was it just him.... If it was both it could correlate.

I just don’t know if I can take this for years. Maybe a couple of months, but I’d hope it’s even quicker.

Again focus on you. Take some time to talk to a therapist that has dealt with limerence. come to find out there are people trained on relationships that have no clue about it. Be who you are but dont be too available for the moment when he wants both of you. decide what your boundaries for him are.
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

Turtle
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:29 pm
Austria

Re: Husband and LO

Post by Turtle »

Hi PVSDO

Thanks for your reply.

There’re no legal actions because I haven’t needed any, we have an agreement, there are no arguments and he’s fulfilling his responsibilities, so why would I start divorce proceedings?

Just in case I could survive without his support. Not a lot of luxury, but I get the basics covered. In the long run, he has legal obligations, of course. But at this point, there’s no need.

They moved in, yes, it’s the first week and he’s spending most of the time with the kids without her. Saturday (Sunday online), Wednesday, Thursday, Friday night plus weekend this week. Doesn’t make any sense, does it?
Couple of months ago he met the kids once a week.

I saw him yesterday. He has been so angry at me and our marriage (We’ve never been happy, our perfect life has never been good enough for me). The anger has gone, gradually, he actually cares for me, is almost a little protective of how I am. Which is a little of the guy he used to be.
He wanted to pick up some things, instead he just put it in our basement.

So I was busy and in a good mood. I don’t cling and beg.
But I had a little meltdown afterwards. It’s scary. Anger gone, being thoughtful, and still moving on.

I read the loss of their marriage and family exaggerates deterioration and they tend to blame LO; I’ve never considered that he could just stay stuck with the rewritten history.
But then our life is what he’s been building for 20 years, and was happy.
He told me he feels guilty to break up our marriage and do this to me. But he has a new life. What sense does that make?


First: gone, personality transplant, new clothes, new life
then: doing family stuff with her
now: doing family stuff with kids only

Is it like getting out of a fantasy, like waking up, coming out of limerence, or has he just changed?

I don’t really know how and when it started, but given the fact they signed that lease only 4- 5 months into the affair, there’s no time one could have been significantly faster without the other reciprocating, is there?
What gal in her right mind would sign a lease with a married man with kids that quickly, without anything sorted out.

Yeah I’m focusing on things I enjoy doing, spending time with friends (COVID is making it a lot harder though), career ambitions.
I was seeing a therapist also.
But it’s a lot to lose.

Turtle
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:29 pm
Austria

Re: Husband and LO

Post by Turtle »

PVSDO wrote:
Wed Sep 30, 2020 9:41 pm
How quickly does limerence fade?

there was no other woman or kids for me so it depends on how fast he gets tired of having a jealous woman take up space and time. They moved in together so I am going to think the secret excitement will fade. They work together so he will find out that she is not the fantacy his limerence made her out to be. In my mind they moved so fast that they will fall hard.
I was hoping it’ll fade, but does that take months?

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PVSDO
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Re: Husband and LO

Post by PVSDO »

Turtle wrote:
Thu Oct 01, 2020 7:47 am

He told me he feels guilty to break up our marriage and do this to me. But he has a new life. What sense does that make?


First: gone, personality transplant, new clothes, new life
then: doing family stuff with her
now: doing family stuff with kids only

Is it like getting out of a fantasy, like waking up, coming out of limerence, or has he just changed?



I don’t really know how and when it started, but given the fact they signed that lease only 4- 5 months into the affair, there’s no time one could have been significantly faster without the other reciprocating, is there?
What gal in her right mind would sign a lease with a married man with kids that quickly, without anything sorted out.

Yeah I’m focusing on things I enjoy doing, spending time with friends (COVID is making it a lot harder though), career ambitions.
I was seeing a therapist also.
But it’s a lot to lose.
it sounds like he is seeing what he did. He is waking up and seeing that the LO is not matching the fantasy. One day he realized what he was giving up. So him feeling guilty but staying is him trying to explain and express his exact feelings. limerence doesn't make the most since so the feelings cant always be explained.

I get there is no real need for a divorce but sometimes mentioning one Jabs limerence. It shows your SO that you are not okay with being a side option and that you want to be able to move on. but if you feel like you dont need to dont. I am finding there is no real playbook for this.

opportunistic people see an amazing guy that has been vetted by a 20 year marriage and want an entitlement badge without putting in the work.
This would explain her being jealous in a way. because in her mind you are the other woman and him doing anything for the other woman is a threat to the life she wants out of him.

While I was going trough the thick of this some intern at my job had a crush on me because I speak so highly of my husband!!!! he didn't put in work but he would always make comments that suggested he was really "in love" with the ideal of me. He would moon eye me and make comments like I hope, I wish, One day.

You are doing an amazing job!!!!
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

Turtle
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:29 pm
Austria

Re: Husband and LO

Post by Turtle »

He sometimes shared things, like feeling guilty, in the beginning, and recently.
And tin between weeks of craziness and withdrawal. Denies it hurts the kids (they’re fine, they like her), I’ll find someone better.

It‘s kind of crazy, he sometimes shares (we resolved that marriage issue) and even complained that he shares stuff with me at all (My fault because I don’t lash out. I said: well, couldn’t you always share safely, and he moaned Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaas, he could). I mustn’t remind him of the happy stuff, though, of course, we’ve never been happy. We just did a few fun things together. Occasionally. Once he called „guess what happened at the office“. Usually a couple of hours later I get a „ accept reality“ text. Once that I „was being mental for still loving him“.

Im somewhere between stepping back, trying to stick to the good stuff, not buying into the craziness. There are things - like I’m not accepting their relationship, I’m not taking legal actions- when I tell him given i cannot agree/ take responsibilities, whatever. It’s a fine line.

There was a lot of textbook stuff. He changed the way he dresses, threw away lots of clothes, good as new. He cuts his eye lashes 🥴 he blocked me on WhatsApp for a while because us texting bothers LO. He’ll get a lawyer if I dont stop being kind. He quit doing things he likes, but has long returned to doing „our stuff“.
It’s of course him being in his midforties, LO the 20 year younger secretary.

I hope it’s getting better, particularly that he’s spending way less free time with her, and hes kinder and thoughtful towards me, reaching out more often.
But he moved in with her. So I’m not sure how to recognise the limerence fading, but then I’d guess he wouldn’t step back right away, with everyone knowing, the lease, all those things he said.

Yeah he was quite proud of his life and our family and talked about us and we sometimes invited his coworkers for bbq or something- I’d find that attractive in a man I suppose.
Don’t know who buys into the rewriting of history.

Thanks. Don’t know. It’s just too crazy, it’s not him.

Turtle
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:29 pm
Austria

Re: Husband and LO

Post by Turtle »

Is that kind of „too kind texting“ increasing the fear and thus, limerence?
Im definitively at a point where vilification doesn’t work properly.

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PVSDO
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Re: Husband and LO

Post by PVSDO »

Turtle wrote:
Thu Oct 01, 2020 5:48 pm
Is that kind of „too kind texting“ increasing the fear and thus, limerence?
Im definitively at a point where vilification doesn’t work properly.
It sounds like he doesn't feel like you being nice to him is helping his guilt. To cover up his shame and guilt he needs to be able to make you The bad guy and rewrite history.... good job!!! Part of the guilt is feeling like he doesn't deserve your kindness.

When my husband had his LE he tried to sale me on our marriage being crap the whole time. He would bring up things that I did when I was 25 to try to prove it to his self. I was super supportive of him and his LO being together and even offered to hang out with her so I could make sure the relationship was wanted on both sides. I also offed to be there As a bestfriend to call. Then I dropped the D-word so I could be free to do the same.

I am sure your husband KNOWS he messed up. LO should be jealous of you texting!!!! In her mind she is steps closer to her goal and you mess that up for her. You are killing his LE with kindness and the cracks in his story (to his self and others) are starting to show.

Are you sure they are still together?
You are right he would be unable to just get out of a lease so rushing home would be hard.
Have you looked up mid life crisis?

In my own situation my husband is trying extra hard to prove to me (but really himself) that he is worthy of me even though he messed up...

If your husband is out of the fog expect him to try to do noble things to "win you back." He knows what he did so he will need to prove to himself that he deserves you. While he is trying to "win you back" it will seem odd the behaviors mimic what he feels like you want to see.
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

Turtle
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2020 5:29 pm
Austria

Re: Husband and LO

Post by Turtle »

PVSDO wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 8:59 pm

It sounds like he doesn't feel like you being nice to him is helping his guilt. To cover up his shame and guilt he needs to be able to make you The bad guy and rewrite history.... good job!!! Part of the guilt is feeling like he doesn't deserve your kindness.
Yes, he’s actually being much kinder, reaching out more often (i think daily last week), offering help.

Deserve- yes, he told me twice how can I still be so loving with everything he’s doing.
PVSDO wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 8:59 pm

When my husband had his LE he tried to sale me on our marriage being crap the whole time. He would bring up things that I did when I was 25 to try to prove it to his self. I was super supportive of him and his LO being together and even offered to hang out with her so I could make sure the relationship was wanted on both sides. I also offed to be there As a bestfriend to call. Then I dropped the D-word so I could be free to do the same.
Yes. Exactly. We’ve never been happy, I’ve never been happy, we should have split up years ago, when something insignificant happened. We have nothing in common.
urghs- well I’m super supportive of him being with the kids and him, but not LO.

PVSDO wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 8:59 pm

I am sure your husband KNOWS he messed up. LO should be jealous of you texting!!!! In her mind she is steps closer to her goal and you mess that up for her. You are killing his LE with kindness and the cracks in his story (to his self and others) are starting to show.

Are you sure they are still together?
You are right he would be unable to just get out of a lease so rushing home would be hard.
Have you looked up mid life crisis?
Yes, they are. Moved in just last week.

Actually, I’m pondering today... what if it’s not limerence, but real love.. 🙄
Everything is just so textbook, still.. that fears keep popping up.

PVSDO wrote:
Sat Oct 03, 2020 8:59 pm

In my own situation my husband is trying extra hard to prove to me (but really himself) that he is worthy of me even though he messed up...

If your husband is out of the fog expect him to try to do noble things to "win you back." He knows what he did so he will need to prove to himself that he deserves you. While he is trying to "win you back" it will seem odd the behaviors mimic what he feels like you want to see.
Huh, how long did it take your husband to get out of the fog?
I suppose they’d really have to push the envelope to win their spouses back.

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PVSDO
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Re: Husband and LO

Post by PVSDO »

Turtle wrote:
Sun Oct 04, 2020 5:23 pm
Huh, how long did it take your husband to get out of the fog?
I suppose they’d really have to push the envelope to win their spouses back.
it took about a month but my husband never left so he had to put up with me being too nice the whole time.

I had to emotionally detach because I didn't know the new guy. It was easer when I found out that his limerance had nothing to do with me.
then I stopped letting him kill my heart...

its not true love, if it was he wouldn't have to make you the bad guy to prove it to himself.
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

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