Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
User avatar
PVSDO
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:24 am
Gender:
United States of America

Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by PVSDO »

My DH had a short (2months or less) EA (that never got physical) with a coworker ( described as a "work wife." to our soon to be MC)

2020 has me confused.

It was a long hard road, he said some mean things, apparently I was over supportive about the whole thing.

I can take my share of the responsibility of how this happened.

I have had crushes during our marriage (10 years) I have never acted on them so him doing so was a total shock but it happened so there is no going back.
NC has been since July 2020 it is getting better but I am still liking wounds and he is still sad.

BIGGEST ISSUE: If his LO comes up or he feels like I am speaking on the ordeal his mood changes and I just ruined his whole day and a temper tantrum fallows. I have no clue how to deal with this its like I'm walking on egg shells in my home but I did not have a "work wife." I got nothing out the deal but a broken hearted husband.... It's crazy some times I just want to arrange a hangout with her so I can hook them up because I cant do anything right with his feelings ( I would never!!!) Yesterday he came home for lunch early and I was listing to the song by Jessie Reyez - COFFIN (Audio) ft. Eminem and he shut down ( if he comes home for lunch there is SEX to be had normally) When he finally got off work last night there was a mini meltdown over this song but he says it was something facebook related. He apologized this morning but I know it was the song even though it was never talked about.



We are in this odd place where he just thinks I want to leave him over this. I dont and have communicated this lots of times!!! He is always telling me I can do better but i get its a hard time for him.

Dear limerent “What do you need? What do you feel?”
How can a SO support without being to supportive?
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

John
Posts: 124
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by John »

It is obvious that both you and your husband are suffering greatly over his EA. I can identify because my wife also had an EA with a coworker. My feeling is that you did nothing wrong. Attraction does not constitute an affair. Your husband seems to be victimizing you due to his guilt while you are holding him accountable for his infidelity. The only way for you to heal is to totally forgive him but that cannot happen until he gives up his EA, comes totally clean and shows remorse for his actions.

There is a website www.affairrecovery.com that has been very helpful for me. Be strong, there is a lot of tough work ahead for both of you but it can be done.

User avatar
PVSDO
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:24 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by PVSDO »

John wrote:
Sat Sep 26, 2020 2:55 pm
There is a website www.affairrecovery.com that has been very helpful for me. Be strong, there is a lot of tough work ahead for both of you but it can be done.
You are right we are both in recovery form the EA. He thinks it was not as big of a deal because there was no sex with her and I should be over it. he cant seem to wrap his head around its a big deal because he was trying to have a relationship outside of us and being super mean.... Thank you for the link. I am looking at the boot camp now.


I hope your wife is taking some personal responsibility.
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

John
Posts: 124
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by John »

PVSDO wrote:
Sat Sep 26, 2020 9:06 pm
"He thinks it was not as big of a deal because there was no sex with her and I should be over it."

An emotional affair is in ways a bigger deal than a physical affair especially to a woman. It is a betrayal.

"he cant seem to wrap his head around its a big deal because he was trying to have a relationship outside of us and being super mean...."

It is common for them to check out of their primary relationship and try to blame you for their guilt. You did nothing wrong.

"Thank you for the link. I am looking at the boot camp now."

There are a lot of free videos and articles. We did not do the boot camp.

"I hope your wife is taking some personal responsibility."

Yes, she realizes her mistake and is remorseful. We are doing better than before the affair after counseling and self-help.

[/quote]

User avatar
PVSDO
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:24 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by PVSDO »

John wrote:
Sun Sep 27, 2020 3:21 pm
PVSDO wrote:
Sat Sep 26, 2020 9:06 pm
It is common for them to check out of their primary relationship and try to blame you for their guilt. You did nothing wrong.

[/quote]

to be honest the whole thing was a shock because she is not even "like me" other than being a nice person... she is like pretty in a not me way. like he could have traded up but went the other way. (very plain) .... but that was explained as he felt like no one would try to take her from him. a guy will walk up and say hi to me with him 4 feet away from me. ( added stress?) its odd because we just left a place with millions of attractive women. Why her? why now? It gives me a fear that any girl who is nice to him could have him

how do you handle the WTF feelings that come up?

how long do they take to go away?

How long did it take your wife to own up and start taking personal responsibility?

Are you sure I am not being over supportive?

How long did it take you to stop tip toeing around her feelings?

He wants me to get over it and move on and I'm like she wasen't attractive its no big deal but Its still a big deal for me!!!!
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

John
Posts: 124
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by John »

PVSDO,

how do you handle the WTF feelings that come up?

I think it's common for the unfaithful to pick an affair partner who is less attractive, that way the AP will "look up" to them and admire them. The fact that she was nice to him is probably what drew him in, but at some point he crossed boundaries and once that happened things spiraled out of control. Sharing personal information and marriage problems with someone other than your spouse is a betrayal.

how long do they take to go away?

It's a slow process. It's been one and a half years and I feel I'm finally getting over it, but some things like songs, tv shows, etc. still trigger the memory and anxiety. Time heals.

How long did it take your wife to own up and start taking personal responsibility?

I discovered her affair from emails she sent and confronted her. She denied it, became upset and moved in with her sister for one day. The next day she came home and confessed and acted remorseful. We agreed to try to work it out with counseling. She owned up almost immediately because of the shock of facing a divorce and loss of out children's affection was enough.

Are you sure I am not being over supportive?

You were one betrayed. There is no need for you to be supportive to him. You need to support yourself at this time, eat well, try to sleep well, be strong and don't grovel over him. He should be the one groveling over you until this gets worked out.

You need to be understanding of limerence and how he fell into this "trap" so you can work things out. That is where counseling helped us. You will have many questions for him and he need to answer you honestly. Good open communication is essential for your marriage. It is likely that the lack of honest, open communication is what drew him to his AP.

How long did it take you to stop tip toeing around her feelings?

That is a tough question because we both tiptoe around our feeling. She knows I was hurt and makes an effort to act nice to me but when she isn't nice and criticizes me, it triggers memories and I have to ward them off. I know she grieves the loss of her AP and that her moodiness and unhappiness sometimes may be related to that. She has to sometimes remind me that her affair is over but there is a lingering fear that it could happen again.

He wants me to get over it and move on and I'm like she wasn't attractive its no big deal but Its still a big deal for me!!!!

It is a big deal and you can't get over it just like that. Counseling may help him understand the pain of betrayal and what it takes to get through it. He needs to support you, answer all your questions honestly. He needs to go NC with his AP and give you full access to his phone, emails, social media, etc. And you need to fully forgive him to heal, but that can't happen until you work through all your issues together and it sounds like you are not at that point yet.

I am curious why your husband's LO want's to meet you and what she has to say. I'm sure that would be difficult but it could also be comforting. One strange thing about me is that I feel no resentment toward my wife's AP because I think he was somewhat unknowingly drawn into the affair by her from all the emails and text messages that I've seen.

User avatar
PVSDO
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:24 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by PVSDO »

John wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:49 pm
I think it's common for the unfaithful to pick an affair partner who is less attractive, that way the AP will "look up" to them and admire them. The fact that she was nice to him is probably what drew him in, but at some point he crossed boundaries and once that happened things spiraled out of control. Sharing personal information and marriage problems with someone other than your spouse is a betrayal.
After I found out about the seeking text and met her in person ( to run damage control and apologize if the text came off creepy) my first thought was " Your not pretty enough to turn my husband down." even though I fully understand she did me a favor. WTF is wrong with me? I think I may be to loyal.... I am looking to talk with my MC about this dumb reaction!!!!

This is a fact. He told me it was not her looks that got him it was her being emotionally available when I was not. I asked him why I was not available and he said I was busy at work. ( in the middle of a pandemic, after he lost his job for 73 days) I get his ego took a hit because I had to support our family but...

John wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:49 pm
It's a slow process. It's been one and a half years and I feel I'm finally getting over it, but some things like songs, tv shows, etc. still trigger the memory and anxiety. Time heals.
I hooked up his blue tooth headphones for him this morning because he was having issues getting them to pair and a 2 min song came on that had me in tears. (it tried to kill me) it described my feelings about him to a t.

John wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:49 pm
I discovered her affair from emails she sent and confronted her. She denied it, became upset and moved in with her sister for one day. The next day she came home and confessed and acted remorseful. We agreed to try to work it out with counseling. She owned up almost immediately because of the shock of facing a divorce and loss of out children's affection was enough.
When my husband found out that I would fully support his relationship with her and go get her for him as long as we were divorced he got his act together. now he blames her( it was my fault at first) so it doesn't feel like he is taking full responsibility for his actions. he acknowledges he hurt me and seems to be very sorry but wont own up to the whole thing being on him.

John wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:49 pm
You were one betrayed. There is no need for you to be supportive to him. You need to support yourself at this time, eat well, try to sleep well, be strong and don't grovel over him. He should be the one groveling over you until this gets worked out.

You need to be understanding of limerence and how he fell into this "trap" so you can work things out. That is where counseling helped us. You will have many questions for him and he need to answer you honestly. Good open communication is essential for your marriage. It is likely that the lack of honest, open communication is what drew him to his AP.
I kind of understand limerence ( I had it for him and was very heartbroken when I found out he was not the GOD I had intended to marry =)) )
I eat well, work out and take time out to focus on me.
( lost a few pounds on accident while mourning my marriage and him) My sleep is a small issue ( seem to wake up at 5a no matter what time I go to bed) We normally talk about everything. our communication through this whole thing has gotten better. He was holding back his major discomfort with not making money. My limerence for him lasted about 2 years 7months but I dont feel comfortable letting his LO have MY space that long.

John wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:49 pm
That is a tough question because we both tiptoe around our feeling. She knows I was hurt and makes an effort to act nice to me but when she isn't nice and criticizes me, it triggers memories and I have to ward them off. I know she grieves the loss of her AP and that her moodiness and unhappiness sometimes may be related to that. She has to sometimes remind me that her affair is over but there is a lingering fear that it could happen again.
How do you support her wile she is grieving her AP?

Is there a time frame that you set in your head for this?

It hurts that MY SO is sad about someone that never should have happened. He will grieve her and say things like "You can do better than me."
I am100% sure I can but I just love him and want him to be better for me. Love is so dumb!!!! It seems like once a month I brain dump on him and forget to tiptoe but the rest of the month my feelings are expressed way softer.

John wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:49 pm
It is a big deal and you can't get over it just like that. Counseling may help him understand the pain of betrayal and what it takes to get through it. He needs to support you, answer all your questions honestly. He needs to go NC with his AP and give you full access to his phone, emails, social media, etc. And you need to fully forgive him to heal, but that can't happen until you work through all your issues together and it sounds like you are not at that point yet.

I am curious why your husband's LO want's to meet you and what she has to say. I'm sure that would be difficult but it could also be comforting. One strange thing about me is that I feel no resentment toward my wife's AP because I think he was somewhat unknowingly drawn into the affair by her from all the emails and text messages that I've seen.
He has been NC since July. I had him quit his job and I "emasculated" him by once agin paying all the bills. This was before he was ever honest about his discomfort in not making money. He has gotten rid of his social media. I have full access to all of his email and location info (google is amazing) they were not speaking outside of work other than the weekend when he moved somethings for her family.

I am trying to forgive him and heal but I seem to be stuck thinking that in a time that I needed to step up for the team and did so, I was betrayed by the person I stood up for. It was like being punished for being loyal to the ONLY person I am supposed to be loyal to.
How do I wrap my mind around this? It feels like the ONE person I love hated me for doing what I agreed to do. ( richer or poorer, till death)

We took a vacation earlier this month and I a spent a lot of time looking at attractive women and thinking if you were upset with me about not sleeping with her or her that would have made more since. Why am I like this? Why cant I just enjoy my husband without his LO popping up in my brain?

I kind of think the LO is feeling like she needs to say something in person. She could admit 100% to chasing him knowing he was married and I would still NOT be mad at her. It was not her job to protect me or my marriage. Even though SHE DID!!! I do feel like I owe her a meal and a coffee.

How long will it take to rebuild TRUST? I hate being a probation officer :( I just want to go back to being a happily married dummy =((
I feel like my feelings are just dragging this out. I have good and bad days.
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

User avatar
PVSDO
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:24 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by PVSDO »

I talked to his LO Monday we are set to have coffee on October 11th because she will be back in town for fall break.


The part of me that knows this is a bad ideal knows what is going to happen the part of me that thinks this is a great ideal is too optimistic

FEELS LIKE: I would hope she didn't say anything to show they were mutual LO's. If she did what could I even say? I honestly know something is up based on reactions. I am not going to mention his limerence to her. I know knowing both sides of the story would make a better picture for me but I dont think it would help my current situation. I still wouldn't almost be mad at her.

I would love it if there was no mention of feelings for him but I went through the ringer so I kind of want everyone( him and her) to just not like each other.

Why do I keep in contact with her? I could have just blocked her number a long time ago.

Could it be my own narcissism and how I am not used to people not liking me? I am really nice to everyone.

Am I in a state where I am trying to prove something to him or her? is this a form of pick me....

Is my natural FIX IT in overdrive? peace and calm is always my goal. people come to me at work for issues all the time. I would hope I am not HR in this

I kind of detached from this whole issue when I realized there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks for me but I may be standing in the middle of "TRUE LOVE" BUT because I love my whole husband ( crazy and all) I know this man is worth a heartbreak on my side. I would take the heartbreak like a champ so he could be "HAPPY" because I am already detached (I grieved him in July). Other than having a BEST friend in the middle of nowhere ( was trying with his LO before I found out) we dont actually depend on each other.... So maybe it is time to walk away, other than the last few months marriage was a fun ride and I enjoyed him and me. What if this was a sign that we have outgrown each other...
I LOVE love.

On the other side of this.... WTF!!! Am I being a baby about this whole thing? Is it my ego? Am I giving up on US? What part of till death do us part is divorce? Am I expecting him to be perfect? Have I ever achieved perfect myself? Is it fear? Have I been trying to use her as a way to get out of my marriage? How loyal am I to my husband if I walk a way because he was going trough a hard time and was not his best self? ( MC is going to earn all his money)

I wake up a mess like this. Staying positive is hard for me even though I am NORMALY a very positive person.

Other than this one thing 2020 has been okay for me. I got to help hundreds of people. I lost a job that I loved but I got to try a new field. I lost hours at work but I got more free time. I didn't make as much money as I planned but my bills are still paid and my family never went hungry.
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

User avatar
PVSDO
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:24 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by PVSDO »

John wrote:
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:49 pm
I am curious why your husband's LO want's to meet you and what she has to say. I'm sure that would be difficult but it could also be comforting. One strange thing about me is that I feel no resentment toward my wife's AP because I think he was somewhat unknowingly drawn into the affair by her from all the emails and text messages that I've seen.
I ran into her yesterday. She poured her heart out to me (I could have died)

she told me that she has been trying to "get him " since last season. She told me how after being rejected so many times last season this season when she saw him she was determined to try harder because her feelings for him never went away. =((

she let me know that she tried to change herself so he would like her. She said that her asking him to her home to move something for her family was her chance to dress up and show him she was worth him. She let me know that she had talked him up to her family( not the married part) so they wanted to get to know him. this is how they ended up at dinner. after dinner her and him got back to her place before the parents so she invited him in but he said he was going to wait on the parents. apparently she was crushed by this so while having a heart to heart she brought me in to the conversation and suggested we should all hang out. she just had to meet the reason she couldn't have him.

She let me know that when she got the text from him the next day she felt like she won him and they would run off and live happily ever after. she said her heart was pumping so fast she could barely respond she chose to wait until she calmed down to respond. she kept rereading the text just to make sure it was real. After she was calm she needed to make sure he sent the text to the right person so her response was " Are you ok?" she was hoping he would reiterate that he was in to her. ( he took the text as a rejection)

So a few days later here walks in me. She only exchanged numbers with me so she would not look guilty. few days later she gets a message from me saying sorry for the husbands text. Then she came up with the ideal to use me to see him.(mutual limerents) She said after getting to know me it felt wrong to like him but she was sad when he left the job.

she let me know that there is a rumor going on at the job that she was trying to sleeping with my husband and that i wanted to fight her so every time she has seen him she makes a mean face. (Him liking her was never confirmed to her) The rumor is why she hid the day she saw me.

After all this I asked " Why are you telling me this? Did you waste a crush on my husband?" I had to respond so I looked her dead in the eye and stated.... "I wouldn't have minded you having the crush on him because he is very attractive. If he had a crush on you I would have fully supported the relationship because he is my best friend and I want him to be happy. He can do what ever he wants to do within our marriage as long as it doesn't effect me.
Me always putting you off wasn't about him or you. from what I gather you are like his little sister.
I dont have any issues with you. My issue is that he had a crazy ideal that your mom would teach him to play piano and he was going to use you to get to her so that she could discipline him.. his fantasy went so deep that he ran trough a wall at work ( actually happened over LO)and started dropping things just thinking about your mom. You would be back at school, your dad would be running an errands, and he would be at your house and accidently miss a key. your mom would then discipline him for this mistake. He always says if he had a strict mom instead of a mom that lets him get away with everything he would have ended up better.

kid he was trying to get me to get you so your mom could discipline him"

When I got home I told my husband where I had been and also added that I had met her boyfriend and the whole thing was "something to do" for her.
he blew up for a few hours so we will see how this works out

in the end I offered to introduce her to a very attractive co-worker of mine...

The things we do for love.... but all is fair in love and war right?
It is what it is....with minor adjustments :D

John
Posts: 124
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Dear limerent HELP How can a SO support without being to supportive?

Post by John »

PVSDO, well that meeting sure wasn't what I was anticipating.

It seems that SHE is limerent one and your husband is her victim. I'm a little confused about the piano teacher mom part. It that true or did you make it up? And the part about her boyfriend? If these aren't true I don't see things working out in your favor. You need good honest communication in your marriage to make it work. You will be okay, just stay calm and reasonable, this is a difficult time for everybody.

Post Reply