wife in limerent affair

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
John
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by John »

WishMajick, so it seems that an ideal situation would be to have a SO for a secure daily relationship, and a lover on the side for sex? I know this is not normal, but if the opportunity presented itself, such as SO and all affected parties in agreement, does this appeal as a viable option? Just curious.

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WishMagick
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by WishMagick »

John wrote:
Thu Mar 05, 2020 1:12 am
WishMajick, so it seems that an ideal situation would be to have a SO for a secure daily relationship, and a lover on the side for sex? I know this is not normal, but if the opportunity presented itself, such as SO and all affected parties in agreement, does this appeal as a viable option? Just curious.
It does appeal as an option, absolutely.
And my husband has already agreed to an open marriage (for sex only, as he is not really a fan of polyamory...too messy I suppose).

But, we haven't actually done that. Sex with my husband isn't bad. He's got a good balance, but, we've been together for 10 years. He's too familiar. And he doesn't have enough of the feminine qualities I desire.

ETA: I explained this to my husband a couple of days ago. Current LO has a perfect balance - though I would not want him as a long term partner. He's not mature enough for me. LO is very outwardly masculine and sporty. And he has a beard. My DH is the only man I've ever been with without facial hair.

I always ask DH to grow a beard (he can) and he refuses. He says it would make him look older, so he won't even consider it.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

qwerty
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by qwerty »

Dear WishMagick,

Thanks for your input. It helps understand my wife's situation somewhat better, although there are some differences. In her case, her dad does not have that masculine energy in the physical way, he's more like a bully in a passive agressive way (he is a narc, my wife's characterisation which I agree with). From what I understand from my wife, she is attracted to someone who sets very strong boundaries for her, even to the point of being controlling. I haven't been able to set boundaries with her in our relationship due to my codependency (I just started to realise this after I started therapy). Even though she has serious trouble saying "no" to other people, she can say "no" very easily to me.

I wonder in this situation is really possible to be attracted to LO with strong masculine energy purely in a sexual way? Because I feel with my wife, she completely unable to separate physical and emotional attraction for her LOs. She tried to summarise for me: she has trouble setting boundaries, she attaches to people too quickly, gets strong (sexual and other) impulses about them, commits to people without being ready for it, and cannot block people out as it gives her a huge feeling of shame and guilt...

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WishMagick
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by WishMagick »

@qwerty,

Yeah, your wife's issues are quite different from mine. I have anxious attachment, but not fully. This might not make sense, but I had a very healthy attachment to my mother - but I developed an anxious attachment due to the relationship I had with my dad. He never noticed me unless I misbehaved. I wasn't allowed to be a child or do child-like things. Like be silly, run around, make a mess. I would be spanked if I did those things. He was very controlling as well. But, I don't go for that in men - I find myself attracted to men with his good qualities: masculine energy, physical strength, high intelligence, dry sense of humor, etc.

Your wife has some very, very deep seated issues that she absolutely needs to work on in therapy. And you know that already.

I am not usually able to separate sexual desire from an emotional connection. At all. That is one thing that has thrown me for a complete loop in my current LE. Everything I feel for my LO all started from physical attraction, and I would have slept with him before knowing anything about him if that were an actual option for me. I've never thought that about anyone EVER. I swear. I know a lot of limerents make that claim, but this is legit.

qwerty, I think you need to create firm boundaries - not just because that is what she might want - but because that is what your need for yourself.
I gather from your posts that you are a really, really amazing partner who truly loves your wife. I know you aren't perfect, but you are working on yourself and doing all the right things, you really have to put yourself first. This is what I would say to my husband if I were acting like your wife. And I would mean it. It does seem like she is pushing you away at times, and if you ever actually granted her divorce and moved on, she would REGRET IT because she would be hard pressed to find another man like you who would work this hard to keep her.

Nothing against your wife, but, at some point, you will have to let her go if you set your boundaries and protect yourself. You are not a road for her to run over back and forth. Remember, limerence is an explanation of her behavior, not an excuse.

Sorry if I am being too harsh about your wife, but it saddens me because you are doing so much for this woman and she's just throwing it back in your face.
She needs to be afraid to lose you, for sure. But, I understand why you wouldn't want to do that because you are afraid she will fly away and never come back. But that could be a very good thing for you.

You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love her.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

L-F
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by L-F »

qwerty wrote:
Thu Mar 05, 2020 8:07 am
I wonder in this situation is really possible to be attracted to LO with strong masculine energy purely in a sexual way?
Yes. This is exactly what happened to me. I was attracted to LOs masculine energy, as well as LOs intellectual mind. That's not to say SO doesn't possess these things, however, LO and I didn't have a codependent relationship - which basically was a taste of freedom. I liked it!
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

qwerty
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by qwerty »

Dear WishMagick,

Thanks for sharing your experience and for your kind words. I do love my wife very much, and I know that she still loves me too. I've tolerated a lot because I always thought about her tough childhood and the horrible things she's been through and all her problems... and thought I should be the responsible person and take care of her... I guess I see it as if she has a drug problem and is not in control...

But you are right I have to put myself first and that's what I'm trying to do. I am happy that she is starting therapy tomorrow hopefully. I've decided that this is going to be crucial for us getting back together and I will let her know that if she does not show committement to getting help then she is going to lose me.

Yesterday she told me that she feels attracted by people she is afraid of, and people that can easily get power over her... Then she added "Not you". I felt that she meant the LO! Then she added "not always romantically" and she named a few people other than the LO... But I felt she originally meant him.. How is that possible? How can someone be attracted to someone that invokes fear?

qwerty
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by qwerty »

Dear L-F,
L-F wrote:
Fri Mar 06, 2020 4:39 am
qwerty wrote:
Thu Mar 05, 2020 8:07 am
I wonder in this situation is really possible to be attracted to LO with strong masculine energy purely in a sexual way?
Yes. This is exactly what happened to me. I was attracted to LOs masculine energy, as well as LOs intellectual mind. That's not to say SO doesn't possess these things, however, LO and I didn't have a codependent relationship - which basically was a taste of freedom. I liked it!
Do you mean that you were attracted to LOs physically and intellectually but not emotionally? Was it because the attraction was not associated to a feeling of responsibility and/or committement?

L-F
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by L-F »

qwerty wrote:
Sun Mar 08, 2020 2:40 pm
Do you mean that you were attracted to LOs physically and intellectually but not emotionally?
I wasn't attracted physically - wrong gender
Intellectually? Yes
Psychologically? Yes
Emotionally? Yes
Spiritually? Yes
Energetically? Yes yes yes!
qwerty wrote:
Sun Mar 08, 2020 2:40 pm
Was it because the attraction was not associated to a feeling of responsibility and/or committement?
Yes yes yes!
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

qwerty
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by qwerty »

This week my wife has limited contact with me again. She just sends me "Have a nice evening" and "Good night"... sometimes with a smiley. She had said she will limit contact with me when the LO is back in the country, so this leads me to conclude that the LO is back and that she's with him....

This coincides with the country starting to shutdown because of the coronavirus epidemic. My work place is closed, so are all cafes, restaurants, cinemas, etc... I don't know what my wife is doing or where she is, but I imagine she's stuck with the LO.

Which is really stupid because the LO is supposed to self quarantine for 14 days after coming back to the country, and if they have met so soon it just makes me mad he is putting her in danger.

But I can't do anything except wait and see how this will affect her limerence. Maybe being stuck with LO under quarantine 24/7 for an extended period will just burn the limerence out especially if they start driving each other insane...

MrSpock
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by MrSpock »

qwerty wrote:
Fri Mar 20, 2020 6:58 am
But I can't do anything except wait and see how this will affect her limerence. Maybe being stuck with LO under quarantine 24/7 for an extended period will just burn the limerence out especially if they start driving each other insane...
Well, for what is worth, I just read today a meme on FB, regarding the quarantine, which went something like this

Latest 24 hours police report:

Assaults: 0
Robberies: 0
Burglaries: 0
Murders: 0
Couples fight: 18256


So yes, there is really high chance that if they are stuck in quarantine 24/7 without any break, they'll tear each other out in no time!

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