What to do?

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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David
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Re: What to do?

Post by David »

Everything in the post is a warning as to the perils of giving our agency away to another person in romantic relationships.

Maintaing frame whilst married and taking red pills is a challenge.

Stephen if nothing else, FFS wake up before you sleep walk into another blue pilled relationship.
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

Whiskeyjack
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Re: What to do?

Post by Whiskeyjack »

Stephen wrote:
Wed Sep 05, 2018 3:27 am
Thank you all for the support.

Many of you warned me, many of you told me to be stronger, many of you cautioned me to not do what I did. You were right, I was wrong. I should have been stronger, I truly feel used, manipulated, lied to, and emotionally destroyed. I understood what many of you were saying and why, but I kept wanting to believe things would improve. It wasn't and still isn't easy to accept everything that happened, I was in shock that the person I loved and trusted so much and for so long could betray me the way she did. I thought if I could be patient and show her I love her she would snap out of this and come to her senses. I now feel she was just taking advantage of my good nature, of my patience. I truly feel angry at her which is such a foreign feeling. She hurt me badly and she did it intentionally as she played out her plan to "live happily ever after" with her obsession, but I honestly don't believe that will last long. Karma will catch up with her.

I don't know why she waited until the day before I started my new job to deliver the divorce bomb on me. I couldn't sleep as I replayed everything in my mind over and over and was exhausted all day. Now she is asking me to provide her with info so she can file the paperwork. I told her it's not a good time now and I will see her on saturday when I come by to pick up some of my things. I told her we will take care of it in person then. She demanded we do it today, but I stood my ground. I don't believe she gets to dictate things anymore. I'm not very happy with her and could use a few days to process everything and just not hear from her.
Stephen I am glad you're finally finding your anger and indignation. It's too late for your marriage, but, if you can control and maintain it, it will serve you well through the divorce process.

David told you to read posts on survivinginfedelity. If and when you do, you will find that there is something of a common saying in the forums:

"No contact = No new hurts"

This needs to be a mantra of yours going forward. Going NC will allow you to heal and get on with your life. It will also take away her safety net and allow her to feel the full consequences of her actions when karma comes-a-calling. The only thing you should ever have to talk to her about is "kids and finances" (another theme in those forums). No kids, so you should only be speaking to her about the logistics concerning the divorce. Ignore any other communications. Do NOT talk about anything else, especially how you're feeling. She's no longer your wife, so she has forfeited any access to your thoughts and feelings. When the divorce is done, go NC permanently and start working on yourself. This person has treated you abysmally, and her recent actions (her timing of the divorce bomb, her demands that you provide info immediately) just reinforce that. As long as she's in unicornskittleshartingland, she will continue to manipulate you and treat you like shit. You deserve better so don't let that happen. Good luck and sending strength.

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Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen »

One of the hardest parts for me now is dealing with all the memories. It seems like everything triggers a memory. I was at work today not even thinking about her when I overheard a co-worker talking about their trip to Rome and Paris. Instantly memories started flooding back of the time we went for a bike ride in Villa Borghese or walking through the jardin des Tuileries, how she looked, what was said.. I felt my eyes starting to tear up and had to excuse myself. I have moments like this many times throughout the day. We did so much together, it even hurts at the grocery store. I'm a mess all too often no matter how hard I try to fight it. All of the happiest moments of my life have suddenly become meaningless and cause so much pain.

I still fear her disappearing from my life. I know this is irrational because in my ways she already has. She hurt me so badly and I should be more upset with her, but my anger never lasts very long. I know she doesn't care much anymore, she is busy pursuing a new relationship. I will keep working on things and I know it will take time, but how bad it hurts right now.

ReeledIn
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Re: What to do?

Post by ReeledIn »

Stephen, you are grieving and you will be for a while. It will be a year or longer...hopefully not longer and it all depends on how quickly you are able to cut ties. The faster you can go no contact, the faster you will recover. ...but this is downright traumatic...which is another reason to see a therapist. So not underestimate this.

This is the death of a future you thought you had.

I hope you can find some support groups in your area for men in similar situations.

The good news is that life does go on...when you get past this, there are adventures to be had.
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

MrSpock
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Re: What to do?

Post by MrSpock »

Stephen wrote:
Thu Sep 06, 2018 2:28 am
All of the happiest moments of my life have suddenly become meaningless
Life is a learning journey, in which every moment--happy or sad--is a lesson, so there are no meaningless experiences. Even the one you're riding just now.

It might not seem like it, specially now, but the significant element of everything you built with her during your marriage, is never lost and remains within you. Now is just in the past.
That's the beauty of relationships: they don't need to last forever.

Don't think of your marriage as something you had and now lost; instead, think of it as something you DID. Everything we do remains forever as an experience. Now you are just moving on to DO something else.

Stephen
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Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen »

It's been around two months since my wife told me she wanted to leave me for someone else. The crying and sadness has mostly given way to disgust and some anger over what she did and how easily she gave up. I still miss her, I miss her company, the laughs, the conversations, her presence. I still love her in my heart, and I would love nothing more than to rewind time a few short months, but I know I can't and things cannot be the same again between us.

I still hear from her every few days. She sends me random text messages about what she's doing. I'm not entirely sure why or what meaning is behind them. Maybe she's bored, or misses me, maybe her new guy doesn't care or isn't available. I don't always answer, many times she reveals a motive and wants or needs something from me. Lately she wants me to go with her to sign and notarise the divorce paperwork, but I've been busy lately. My thinking is why should I make things easy for her now? She didn't make anything easy for me. Besides, what's the hurry? Never in any of her texts does she ask how I'm doing or how anything is going.

I asked her recently if she misses me at all, she said "I don't know, not really I guess". This isn't much of an answer, but nothing more than what I've been getting from her recently and exactly what I expected to hear. I feel she is being very careful not to give any indication that she misses, loves, or made any mistakes when she speaks to me. She comes off as very cold and uncaring which hurts, but in a strange way also helps me. Lately, she's been blaming me for some really strange, questionable things and when I ask her to give me examples to support what she is saying she gets frustrated and stops talking with me. I feel she is reaching deep for a reason, but when the truth punches holes in her claims she becomes upset.

I've just been trying to focus on work and my life. It's not easy to go back to doing everything alone, but it's getting better. I do wonder if she's really that cold or if she misses me just as much as I miss her... I guess it doesn't matter since it won't change anything.
Last edited by Stephen on Sun Sep 23, 2018 2:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

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LisaTranscending
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Re: What to do?

Post by LisaTranscending »

Ouch, Stephen. sounds like you are going through the stages of grief.

I think it's totally normal to feel all these feelings you are experiencing, and the mixed up way they come on and switch and everything else. When a person leaves a marriage, there's plenty of blame to go around on both sides, and in a sense, that's part of the exploration of finding out what went wrong. It's not the ideal thing the leaving partner wants to do, either. you know, I left my marriage from a very strong sense of loneliness in the marriage. that loneliness led me to limerence. which was a very long, intense and prolonged feeling of expectation and images of love and bliss which I attached to someone I work with professionally in the hopes of not feeling lonely any longer.

in the end, my LO made me feel just as lonely, because the work wasn't actually inside my marriage, or in some new perfect relationship, but that I had to figure out a way back to myself, and what was the root cause of my unsatisfied feeling in my relationship not just with my husband, but the relationship I was having with myself.

we are friends now after three years separation and our divorce being final last Christmas. I did miss my ex, but not until after my emotions of breaking from him settled down. and they were some of the biggest, deepest, and saddest emotions I ever felt in my entire life.

your ex may be going through the same kind of separation sadness but doesn't want to address that just yet, and is addressing it in her time. any kind of "getting back together" has to come from both people. both people may never be in the same exact place ever again of wanting a romantic relationship with that ex partner. I still love my ex very deeply and forever. I see him a couple of times of week for dinner. I invite him even when i meet someone I know he will enjoy. We are not in a romantic relationship, but that's because we are both just living our lives and growing as much as we can apart.

My best advice to you would be, don't deny your sadness or your anger, but don't let it define you either. I hope you find my words some comfort, but if they bother you, that's okay too, because you are definitely in a different phase than I am in at this time.
just a hug, though. your story is very familiar to me.

Pudding
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Re: What to do?

Post by Pudding »

You deserve so much better. You sound like a very caring and kind person. I hope you’re able to find some happiness in the future.
F 39
LO is M 37, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(
LE began in the fall of 2015

ReeledIn
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Re: What to do?

Post by ReeledIn »

Stephen wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:36 am

I asked her recently if she misses me at all, she said "I don't know, not really I guess".
Wow...the silent treatment would be easier to take. You might consider asking her for it. (Total no contact unless it is a business transaction.) This is so uncalled for, Stephen.Your continued exposure to this icy coldness (holding my tongue and not calling her what I want to call her) ...cannot possibly be serving you. Please don't let her hurt u anymore. I beg you.

=(( :ymhug:
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

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David
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Re: What to do?

Post by David »

Stephen wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:36 am
I do wonder if she's really that cold or if she misses me just as much as I miss her... I guess it doesn't matter since it won't change anything.
Sadly all part of limerence. We rewrite history and project the feelings we can't take ownership for onto our SO's making them responsibility for the breakup. For the betrayer, it makes it easier for us to deal with the feelings that are a consequence of our acting out. It's what we do as humans. Blame-shift. Taking responsibility for our own actions is what we do as adults.

Stephen I am sorry you are going through this experience. It's a bitter pill to swallow. Perhaps when you are ready you can look inwards as to what role you played in things not working out? when that times comes perhaps ask yourself why were you attracted to a women that chose to act out through finding solace outside of the marriage as opposed to coming and talking with you about her unhappiness? How do you find a more virtuous ( i exclude the religious part of virtuous when using this word) partner next time?

Strength and healing to you.

David
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

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