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What to do?

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Stephen
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Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen » Sat Nov 17, 2018 2:55 pm

How do you let go of someone you love so much?

It's been 3 months now since my wife and I separated and honestly I feel like things hurt just as bad now as before, maybe even worse in some ways. We've had limited contact and of course anytime we do speak she pushes me to sign the paperwork. It feels it's all she cares about and doesn't seem to understand that she doesn't get to dictate how much time I need.

I try to stay busy, I try to occupy myself with things to distract my thoughts, but it's not working very well. Everything brings up a memory and it seems to dominate my thinking. I know it's not right and I know it needs to stop, but how? I feel so sad all the time. So alone even when I go out with people. Nothing is making me happy and I feel so stuck.

In my last conversation with her I asked if she misses me or anything we had. For me it's a lot of the small things, just having her around, the jokes and conversations, having coffee together in the morning, simple things like that. She told me "I don't know, I haven't thought about it". How has she not thought about anything in the last 3 months?... That makes no sense to me and feels like she has, but won't tell me because she probably misses it too and can't say anything to make me feel like it's not just me. Why do I keep hoping for something kind from her when she's been so cold and mean to me?

I feel like this is so difficult for me because I was blindsided. I thought things were happy, she gave me no indication otherwise, no communication that she was feeling anything different. I still struggle to come to terms with what happened. I don't understand how you can do something like that to another person you love and committed to.

ReeledIn
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Re: What to do?

Post by ReeledIn » Sat Nov 17, 2018 11:35 pm

Stephen, it's her neurotransmitters at play and none of it makes any sense and rejection hurts like hell.

I would sign the papers because a clean break is the only thing that will set you on a healing path. Are you in therapy? What about a divorce support group?

Gosh, sometimes I wonder if surviving this type if harsh discard is almost harder than surviving the death of a spouse. I am sure I will ruffle feathers by saying that....but this is torture you are going through.

Time to sign. :ymhug:
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Stephen
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Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen » Sat Nov 17, 2018 11:47 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Sat Nov 17, 2018 11:35 pm
Stephen, it's her neurotransmitters at play and none of it makes any sense and rejection hurts like hell.

I would sign the papers because a clean break is the only thing that will set you on a healing path. Are you in therapy? What about a divorce support group?

Gosh, sometimes I wonder if surviving this type if harsh discard is almost harder than surviving the death of a spouse. I am sure I will ruffle feathers by saying that....but this is torture you are going through.

Time to sign. :ymhug:
Yes, I've been seeing a therapist. It helps, but doesn't change things.

I've been speaking with a friend who works as a social worker. Her husband passed away a few years ago and she said something very similar. She said at least with death you usually have some notice to prepare yourself (apart from suicide/homicide/or any other sudden loss). I always think that all of this would be so much easier to process if I was a bad husband. If I treated her poorly or we argued a lot, it would probably be easier to let go, but I invested so much of myself in our marriage. We were good to each other. I loved every second I spent together with her and it kills me that she could betray me like this. It truly is torture... =(

I've been thinking about those papers a lot today and even though I'm not ready yet, I feel I might need to just do that sooner than later.

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NoDayDreaming
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Re: What to do?

Post by NoDayDreaming » Sun Nov 18, 2018 1:50 am

Stephen,

you need to think about your SO in negative terms rather than idealize her like you still do.
look at the facts, she cheated and you gave no reasons she should treat you like a piece of garbage.
you forgave her, but she rejected your gift and gesture. you are simply too good for her and she is not worth you.
you need to write down every piece of evidence how she treated and treats you badly. you need to be angry with her and open up your grievances, at least on paper, if not in person. regardless if you decide to go through the divorce, you have to punish her. at least you should not be loyal to her anymore. what's that app milenials do to hook up for sex? you should use that or similar.

I know a couple that after a period of infidelity on both sides, they divorced, later missed each other, and remarried and happy ever after.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, LE was about the best thing that has happened in my life.

Stephen
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Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen » Mon Nov 19, 2018 8:21 pm

jack wrote:
Sun Nov 18, 2018 1:50 am
Stephen,

you need to think about your SO in negative terms rather than idealize her like you still do.
look at the facts, she cheated and you gave no reasons she should treat you like a piece of garbage.
you forgave her, but she rejected your gift and gesture. you are simply too good for her and she is not worth you.
you need to write down every piece of evidence how she treated and treats you badly. you need to be angry with her and open up your grievances, at least on paper, if not in person. regardless if you decide to go through the divorce, you have to punish her. at least you should not be loyal to her anymore. what's that app milenials do to hook up for sex? you should use that or similar.

I know a couple that after a period of infidelity on both sides, they divorced, later missed each other, and remarried and happy ever after.
I do think a lot about her recent actions in negative terms. There is really nothing positive in any of it. I don't hate her in any way and don't agree that I have to punish her. That's not for me to do and won't help anything. I believe karma will take care of that on it's own when it's time.

Maybe I am thinking too much of only the happy times, but we had a great relationship and it was the happiest I've ever been. Letting go of someone I loved so deeply and trying to understand how she did is what I'm struggling with so much. I want to believe that she still cares for me, but she hasn't shown that. I know I need to let go, it's a battle between the heart and mind right now.

I'm confused about the sex app comment or why I would want to use that. Not really what I'm looking for...
Last edited by Stephen on Tue Nov 20, 2018 4:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

Whiskeyjack
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Re: What to do?

Post by Whiskeyjack » Mon Nov 19, 2018 8:54 pm

Stephen wrote:
Mon Nov 19, 2018 8:21 pm
jack wrote:
Sun Nov 18, 2018 1:50 am
Stephen,

you need to think about your SO in negative terms rather than idealize her like you still do.
look at the facts, she cheated and you gave no reasons she should treat you like a piece of garbage.
you forgave her, but she rejected your gift and gesture. you are simply too good for her and she is not worth you.
you need to write down every piece of evidence how she treated and treats you badly. you need to be angry with her and open up your grievances, at least on paper, if not in person. regardless if you decide to go through the divorce, you have to punish her. at least you should not be loyal to her anymore. what's that app milenials do to hook up for sex? you should use that or similar.

I know a couple that after a period of infidelity on both sides, they divorced, later missed each other, and remarried and happy ever after.
I do think a lot about her recent actions in negative terms. There is really nothing positive in any of it. I don't hate her her in any way and don't agree that I have to punish her. That's not for me to do and won't help anything. I believe karma will take care of that on it's own when it's time.

Maybe I am thinking too much of only the happy times, but we had a great relationship and it was the happiest I've ever been. Letting go of someone I loved so deeply and trying to understand how she did is what I'm struggling with so much. I want to believe that she still cares for me, but she hasn't shown that. I know I need to let go, it's a battle between the heart and mind right now.

I'm confused about the sex app comment or why I would want to use that. Not really what I'm looking for...
Stephen, it looks like you're doing all the right things right now - you're in therapy, you're keeping busy and you have a support network. I know that it seems like what you're doing isn't working. If you keep it up, though, it will, eventually, and slowly get better. You were blindsided by a traumatic event and the person who should have helped you heal from that trauma was the cause, and is not there to help you. In addition, as what she did made no rational sense there is no effective closure for you which would have helped you heal. It is quite appropriate to feel as you do, and to agonize over why it happened. It may not feel like it now, but eventually, you will move beyond this and set out on your own journey.
Stay strong.

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NoDayDreaming
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Re: What to do?

Post by NoDayDreaming » Mon Nov 19, 2018 11:32 pm

Stephen wrote:
Mon Nov 19, 2018 8:21 pm
I'm confused about the sex app comment
my bad, apologies. I simply meant that jealousy can do wonders.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, LE was about the best thing that has happened in my life.

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LisaTranscending
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Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: What to do?

Post by LisaTranscending » Tue Nov 20, 2018 3:52 am

Stephen wrote:
Sat Nov 17, 2018 2:55 pm
How do you let go of someone you love so much?

just....the advice from the guys on here... what the fuck is this?. "revenge, sex apps, punish her, she's a parasite, she's not 100 % who she was or who she is supposed to be."'

excuse the fuck out of me...what kind of shit is this? this isn't insight...this is male wounded ego. this isn't helping Stephen with his broken heart, it's just putting another's broken heart turned bitter all over the poor guy.

by the way, the wounded ego isn't just a male problem, but testosterone tends to exacerbate all that crappy brain thinking. sorry for you males, but it's glaring misogyny and anger foisted on Stephen, whose probably having to grapple with his own load of it from being rejected.

rejection isn't some male or female phenomena....it goes both ways. I can't say who handles it better or worse at the core of a person, but I'm willing
to say from all the stats on violence and revenge that males play out against females when rejected, you males have a heavier burden to bear be it chemicals, socialization or whatever the hell it is that makes you act out against your rejection more violently than females, that can't be denied.

why do you rail against a person for changing? what is the crime in a person not staying the same? what exactly is her crime? she doesn't want to be in the relationship any longer...is that some kind of crime? that you must exact some kind of revenge now on her?
is a person not entitled to want to leave a relationship?
what about that maniac who killed his entire family that got four life sentences today? he wanted to have sex with some new woman at work and he didn't want to deal with the old family...so what does he do? he murders them. all of them.

people change. everything is constantly changing, evolving and sometime the rug gets pulled out from under us.

your wife doesn't have zero feelings for you. she stopped relating to you. when or how this happened isn't some great and mysterious cosmic event. it's two personalities who somehow got disconnected. how is it that one person is disconnecting while another person is completely oblivious to it? well, that's not possible. if you were oblivious to it, it just means you didn't want to face it. the underlying root cause of that denial is part of the disconnect. it's not your fault. it's not her fault.

why blame?

find out where your personal contribution to that disconnect lay. it's just not possible that one person goes AWOL while the other person is happily and madly in love.

if you blame...you will never heal. if you blame, you will never find out where your role in this plays out. Stop blaming. start going inside.
the best place to be....to learn about truth or even have a chance at getting at it....is to go inside.

it's not lonely there. it's not empty there. that's where all the answers are. stop looking to her for answers. stop looking at the past relationship for answers. those answers are not there. find the answers to all these questions in yourself. your truth. your strength. keep looking...but look in the right place.

L-F
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Re: What to do?

Post by L-F » Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:43 am

Bless you Lisa. Thank you for your input. This thread irked me a little too.

I'm gobsmacked by the advice tbh.

Stephen, I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. It's only been 3 months. Too soon to do anything in my books.


Can you excuse yourself and take time out? Divorce is nothing like death. Death is final. A relationship can be rebuilt after divorce but not death.

I hope you find time to take a step back in order to spend quality time for reflection/looking inwards. Much strength to you Stephen.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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LisaTranscending
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Re: What to do?

Post by LisaTranscending » Tue Nov 20, 2018 1:52 pm

Well that was a bit overboard \m/ it's true LF...Stephen is still hurting and his emotions will get in the way of his stronger logic. Divorce can very much feel like death....but it's true ...it is not death and the people involved are still here and it's going to be a different relationship from now on... but strange and different since what once was....is gone. Or gone from just how it used to be....to something new. But for sure you are in mourning Stephen. My black cloud of shattered dreams and clincal depression lasted a good year. It was so horrible and so painful. On days where duties didn't demand movement or leaving the couch....I lay there. If it weren't for my dog....my heart probably would have broken. Just not an easy time.

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