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What to do?

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Rbitdog
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 5:30 pm
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United States of America

Re: What to do?

Post by Rbitdog » Sun Oct 14, 2018 7:40 am

My husband has started texting a woman he knew when she was 13 and he was mid 20s, her teacher. He has not seen her since, he’s 60 and she’s 46. She’s in Indonesia, where he’s from. They decided as soon as they started texting that he’d divorce me and marry her, and they got engaged immediately. I didn’t even know until a month later. Divorce has been filed, and he’s using me as a place to stay while waiting for her and all her kids’ visas. I’m still in shock, we’ve been married 21 years, he was my best friend and it was a very good marriage. Now he texts her all night, in our house, in front of me and our 15 year old son. It’s like he thinks it’s normal. If she’s upset, he changes into someone I’ve never seen before, agitated, hostile, restless. He seems terrified of her being upset. I can’t believe he’d dump me so fast for someone he’s really never met. So in my case, my marriage was over before I even knew anything had changed.

Stephen
Posts: 65
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen » Thu Oct 18, 2018 11:49 pm

Whiskeyjack wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 12:12 am
It sounds to me like, when you put the texting/emailing boundary up, you had some hope that she would reach out to you and now this is gone. That really sucks and I feel for you. At this point it seems she's simply demonstrating consistent behavior to date. As far as her deserving to be missed by you, well, you love her and it's the most natural thing in the world for you to miss her. I don't think 'deserve' enters into it; you're going to miss her anyway.
I truly appreciate the encouragement. It's hard to find sometimes even when people around me are doing their best. It's easy to get sucked into a downward spiral. There are some days/times where everything reminds me of something about her and I have to use every bit of strength to resist contacting her.
She finally did call me last week. At first the conversation went well, it was a lot of "how've you been, what have you been up to"?, etc. Then she brought up the papers and the conversation turned, but not as badly as it did when we were texting. I let her know how I feel and why I'm not ready. I found it interesting that she felt 7 weeks since I left was a long time. I only feel that way because I miss her and we should be together. I don't feel 7 weeks is enough time before rushing into divorce. It was strange because she argued that if I loved her I would sign. I told her that makes no sense and it's because I love her that I cannot (People don't usually say "I love you, let's get a divorce"). I keep hoping something may change, maybe we still have a shot at saving this. She cried because I won't sign, I cried because I miss her and don't understand her rush.
Have you gotten into some form of IC? Try to get out and socialize as much as you can. As has been suggested earlier, don't isolate. Do some stuff during the work week too to break the 'drudge-apartment cycle'.
Yes, I've been seeing a therapist. It helps, but sometimes when I feel I need her the most my appointment is still days or weeks away. I do go out to socialise as much as I can. Work is burning me out and it seems a lot of my going out is at the beerhall. I do enjoy talking with the people there, but there are other things I've been wanting to do but just haven't found the motivation yet. I have a list of things, but find plenty of excuses to delay them.

AMA210
Posts: 1931
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: What to do?

Post by AMA210 » Fri Oct 19, 2018 1:13 am

I, too, am in the process of divorce, as the result of LE. I have changed so drastically in the past 2.5 years that my SO and I are not compatible. This became very evident during LE and especially after LE had ended. I did the "heavy lifting" that folks refer to on here and pulled myself up inch by inch from the hole. It was a painful journey, but one that I had to go through to reach the side of freedom.

In the state of limerence, I was not able to make any decisions, especially one that involved leaving SO. I could not even decide what to make for dinner, as my entire life revolved around LO.
My SO has not and will not change, even with the threat of OP. He tells me regularly that he is ok with himself and that he doesn't need any growth. He has also pushed the "open marriage" concept instead of divorce, but I am not keen on that at all.

Lisa's suggestion of yoga is a good one. At least some meditation. It helps to bring peace. I use the Insight Timer app.

The concern I have for you is when the LE ends for your SO and wants you back. This may happen. Will you take her back? Sometimes the person can be completely transformed by it, as I was, but other times, the person doesn't work on themselves and is still the same. Perhaps you will be changed for the better. It's a difficult question to answer now, but something to at least consider.

Take care.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Stephen
Posts: 65
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen » Tue Oct 23, 2018 2:13 am

Please help me understand this.

Last week my wife called and we spoke a little about how things are going, what we're up to, etc. One of the questions my wife asked was what plans I had for my birthday. I told her I had none and asked if she wanted to take me out to lunch. She replied saying she couldn't afford to, so I asked if she would let me take her to lunch for my birthday. I told her that would be a great present and make me very happy. She replied saying "I don't know, we'll see, I'll let you know". I didn't hear from her for the whole week. Yesterday was my birthday and she sent me a very short happy birthday email at 0350, but didn't mention anything about lunch, nor did she call.

I honestly didn't expect her to do anything, but it's still very disappointing. She obviously remembered and found time very early in the morning to send an email, but couldn't find the time at any point during the day to pick up the phone and call me. I'm sure she knows that would have made my day to hear from her, but she chose not to. Why? Did she do it to be mean?

I truly find her behaviour baffling...

ReeledIn
Posts: 672
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
Age: 48
United States of America

Re: What to do?

Post by ReeledIn » Tue Oct 23, 2018 6:15 am

Stephen, you are dealing with a 5 year old brat. :((

Please step out into the adult world that is waiting for you with open arms.

Have you found a therapist yet?
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Whiskeyjack
Posts: 150
Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:25 am
Gender:
Age: 52
Canada

Re: What to do?

Post by Whiskeyjack » Tue Oct 23, 2018 6:45 am

ReeledIn wrote:
Tue Oct 23, 2018 6:15 am
Stephen, you are dealing with a 5 year old brat. :((

Please step out into the adult world that is waiting for you with open arms.
^^^^^^^^^^^
This

The 5 year old brat only wants what the 5 year old brat wants. The 5 year old brat is selfish and cares about nobody else.

Stephen, this brat does not care about you right now. The only thing she wants is her shiny new toy and for you to sign the divorce papers so she can have the shiny new toy without being reminded that it's wrong to have the shiny new toy. IMO she's only in contact with you because she needs you to sign the divorce papers.

Right now, you only appear needy and therefore weak to her. You will never get her back with the way you're acting and you're only prolonging your pain by staying in this dead marriage. Sign the papers, cut off all contact with the brat and start working toward building a life for yourself.

CrushedSO
Posts: 346
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: What to do?

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Oct 23, 2018 2:12 pm

I’m sorry Stephen. I know you’re in pain. The others are correct.

This person is a lost cause and you continue reinforce her behaviour. After everything she has done, she knows that you still want her to take you out for your birthday, you told her straight up. She knows she can continue to treat you like fucking dirt, and you’ll happily take it if she will take you out or do something nice.

She even said “I would, but I can’t afford it”. Like clockwork, you stepped in and said that you’d gladly pay, just to hang out with her.

This princess brat knows exactly what she is doing and owns you completely and she knows it. The only way for this torment to end is take responsibility for your stuff and work on you until you are able to rid yourself of this parasite.

You cannot control her. You cannot change her. You can wonder about her motives and bizarre behaviour. Instead of all the questions about her behaviour etc, a more fruitful endeavour would be to turn those questions inwards. “Why do I tolerate this?” or “What do I need from her and why?” or “What is it that I believe that she has, that I am lacking?”

Wondering about anything to do with her will get you nowhere.

Stephen
Posts: 65
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen » Wed Oct 24, 2018 1:47 am

I think the biggest problem I'm having is trying to come to terms with what happened and her behaviour. This is not the same person that I fell in love with, married, and spent the last 7 years with. I'm not stupid, I know what we had together, I know what we felt, the things we've done, the places we've been, and things we planned. My wife is an intelligent, sweet, caring, lovable person, so I'm really struggling to understand who this person is that's recently replaced her. It doesn't make sense.

I do have a weakness for her and I have no idea why I put myself through so much emotional distress. Why do I spend so much time and effort analysing everything over and over? It keeps me awake many nights just thinking about it all. I don't hate her. Not at all. I do hate her decisions and "reasoning" for what she did. I agree she has been a brat, but she is not a parasite. I know I can't do anything but worry about me, but I too often let my mind run away. It still hurts a lot, I miss her and keep looking for something. A kind word or gesture, but lately it's just been more hurt.

On the plus side, I've stuck to my no texting/emailing boundary. She's sent a few since I made that request, but I have not responded to any of them. I feel like I may need to let her calls go unanswered for a while too. I'm sure I will be getting one at the end of the week about the papers, but maybe zero contact for a while may be what I need...

CrushedSO
Posts: 346
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
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Isle of Man

Re: What to do?

Post by CrushedSO » Wed Oct 24, 2018 1:14 pm

Stephen wrote:
Wed Oct 24, 2018 1:47 am
I think the biggest problem I'm having is trying to come to terms with what happened and her behaviour. This is not the same person that I fell in love with, married, and spent the last 7 years with. I'm not stupid, I know what we had together, I know what we felt, the things we've done, the places we've been, and things we planned. My wife is an intelligent, sweet, caring, lovable person, so I'm really struggling to understand who this person is that's recently replaced her. It doesn't make sense.

I do have a weakness for her and I have no idea why I put myself through so much emotional distress. Why do I spend so much time and effort analysing everything over and over? It keeps me awake many nights just thinking about it all. I don't hate her. Not at all. I do hate her decisions and "reasoning" for what she did. I agree she has been a brat, but she is not a parasite. I know I can't do anything but worry about me, but I too often let my mind run away. It still hurts a lot, I miss her and keep looking for something. A kind word or gesture, but lately it's just been more hurt.

On the plus side, I've stuck to my no texting/emailing boundary. She's sent a few since I made that request, but I have not responded to any of them. I feel like I may need to let her calls go unanswered for a while too. I'm sure I will be getting one at the end of the week about the papers, but maybe zero contact for a while may be what I need...
I’m sorry, and I understand. I know that pain. I know those unending obsessive thoughts, the inner torment. I see you, and I feel like have been you in a way.

Please understand that while she is that loving, caring & intelligent woman, everything she has become since this happened is 100% her as well. Both sides are equally true parts of her. Sure when we are in the fog we are completely different people, but we can’t blame the fog for not “acting like ourselves”. We are acting like ourselves, just the ugly side we have hidden.

The reason I called her a parasite is that she wants something from you and keeps pestering you even after betraying you, breaking your heart and upending your life. None of that matters to her.

When I was limerent I was a lot like you towards the end of my affair. I didn’t like that part of me. The obsessive thoughts, clinginess, neediness, everything. I loved her with all my heart (or so I thought at the time). One theme kept popping up for me. If it was the most true, purest kind of love, why did I feel like I was sacrificing my dignity and self-respect? Does real, healthy love come at that heavy a cost? It took a while to realize and accept that yes, that is a part of me that I had neglected. Hiding it from the world got me nowhere. Owning our crap, our shadows is a huge step. Has she owned anything of hers? Do you really want to be with a person who does these things and takes zero responsibility for their actions? If a friend was in this situation what would you recommend to them if you didn’t have the emotional pain attached? The tricky part is that you understandably have a boat load of pain because it’s happening to you! We can’t just bottle up our feelings and use logic to get over this, (we have entire societies that bottle everything up) and we also can’t let emotion completely run us either, or our emotional obsessive thoughts.

Good on you for keeping your boundaries with texting and emails. That progress you have made can’t be understated. You are doing something that feels completely foreign and counter-intuitive. I was the same way. It just highlights our attachment issues and baggage.

You undoubtedly have a lot of pain to process and feel over this and that cannot be ignored. When the obsessive thoughts start please try to turn it inwards, towards yourself. You cannot grow and heal while focusing on the external.

Good luck Stephen!

crushed1234
Posts: 119
Joined: Fri Nov 17, 2017 1:45 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: What to do?

Post by crushed1234 » Thu Oct 25, 2018 1:23 am

One of the hardest parts is accepting the situation as is and the lack of understanding the “why”.

It sounds to me like you are starting to idolize her (only remembering the good things) and there’s no doubt that you are obsessing over her. Not very healthy behaviour. As long as you’re focusing on her and her behaviour, the longer you’ll be spinning your wheels, and the longer your recovery.

You might find this TEDtalk helpful


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