Stephen wrote: ↑
Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:05 am
Am I wrong in delaying and wanting to do this on my own time? Am I being unreasonable?
Hi Stephen...I don't think it's a question of unreasonable. I think you are just being afraid. maybe you need the time to feel less afraid, and this makes you feel somehow in control of a situation that has spiraled all out of your control....but... delay will trigger her anxiety as well.
so this feels perhaps like this could be the last bit of control you feel you have in this relationship. but in truth, we never have the control we think we do with others. they can change. we can change. in a blink of an eye, everything you counted on changes. that's always going to be true about life. and, yes, that's frightening as hell. life can be terrifying.
MrSpock wrote: ↑
Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:56 am
But, on the other and, if you really could just do it, but you choose not to because you are still resisting, then I recommend that you stop resisting and get it done.
the more we resist...the more that negative energy persists. there's no getting around the heartache. there's no avoiding it. you are going to have to go through it and it's going to hurt like hell. no matter how you try to avoid it, it will be waiting for you.
I remember laying with a tooth all day long because the idea of tying a string to it and slamming a door terrified me. at the end of the second day of that stubborn tooth not budging, I told my mom I was ready for the door. bam!
for you, it's going to bam...and then...ouch. for a long time, Stephen. but I think by not getting it over with, you are prolonging your own agony. the sooner you face the truth and get the paperwork done, the better it will be for both of you.
my ex didn't give me a hard time. (well there were a few crazy days between us) I think if he gave me a really hard time we wouldn't be friends now like we are. I don't know if you want to be friends when all this pain is said and done, but you might. and the more amicable this separation, the better chance of finding some kind of ground together in the future.
just saw this french movie on netflix about a man who leaves his wife in middle age for another woman. (Things to come, is the movie) after he leaves her and her life kind of falls apart with other devastating losses, there was a scene in the movie where it's Christmas and the woman he left her for has gone back to Spain to visit her family. (They live in Paris) so he pops into the old marital apartment (He still had the key). she came home from a vacation and said, "Give me my keys, why are you here." and then he says well he's alone for Christmas and the girlfriend is in Spain...(obviously looking for a Christmas invite to be with ex and kids and new grand baby) well....she doesn't invite him. she shoos him away quickly out of the apartment and the next scene is Christmas (he ends up having it alone eating cold cuts reading a book). I thought she should have invited him for Christmas. but not all exes behave the same. but it's worth behaving well during the break up so that when all this agony is over, you won't regret bad behavior and neither of you will have lasting resentments.
the way you feel now is going to change. the anger is going to subside. the confusion and fear will subside. try and not let those powerful emotions like a hurricane swirling around you in this moment push you around. take control more of your emotion than trying to control the situation. because in truth, you have no control of this situation.
at least, from my experience, that's how I see it. not saying I see it correctly, but that's just my spin. hope it helps.
and...don't forget to be good to yourself and treat yourself to a massage, relaxation, a nice walk in nature, you know, stuff that calms you down and gets your body and mind unwound. it's not going to be easy. it doesn't get any easier, Stephen. but all you can do is try your best to go easy on yourself.