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Emotionally exhausted

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Stephen

Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:58 am

Hello all,

Not long ago I confronted my wife about a strange feeling I kept getting around her. Something changed. She seemed different and distant. The usual affection I've come to expect was gone and replaced with an uneasy tension. She admitted she wanted space from me, but also about an old, old boyfriend from more than a decade ago. Needless to say I was devastated. Our relationship was always so happy and full of love and understanding. Nothing has happened at this point beyond Facebook chats, but she was clear in her feelings. Where did all of this suddenly come from? What did I do wrong? While we sat there both crying she tried to explain that these feelings were always there, that she just suppressed them all this time. It doesn't make any sense to me, she tells me she loves me and wants to give this time. At the same time she continues chatting with this other guy. I feel betrayed and can't understand why she continues to leave the door open to this person. I can feel her pain and how she must be tied up in knots, but I cannot understand why she would allow someone to ever come between all we've built. I'm doing my best to be patient and give her time and space, but I feel I'm fighting an uphill battle I most likely won't win. She seems to have convinced herself that she is supposed to be with this other person, that it's her destiny. I'm absolutely crushed and a total mess, I don't want to love the love of my life. Is this normal? Is this limerence? Who holds onto such strong feelings for an old ex like this for so long and after you've committed to someone else? I try speaking with her, but with little success. It feels emotion rules the conversation.

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David
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by David » Fri Aug 10, 2018 7:11 am

Sorry to read this. We can harbour feelings for an old love -its known as a torch bearer. It does sound like your SO is in the fog of limerence. Little gets through when we are in this state. No amount of challenges using reason and logic will get through - limerence is not a rational state.

Best you start working on yourself to be more in your masculine energy and start setting boundaries.

Id suggest you google affair recovery setting boundaries
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

Rachykate12
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Rachykate12 » Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:54 pm

Stephen wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:58 am
I feel betrayed and can't understand why she continues to leave the door open to this person. I can feel her pain and how she must be tied up in knots, but I cannot understand why she would allow someone to ever come between all we've built.
Hi Stephen, I don't know whether my reply will help. I wanted to share my perspective because I feel like I'm in a similar situation to your wife. I'm married, and have been distant lately, messaging someone from the past. I haven't told my husband about it, but he can sense I'm not happy at the moment.
Obviously I don't know anything about your wife, the situation, or how she feels, but I think in a way at least she has spoke to you about it, instead of going behind your back (which I am doing) and it sounds like she hasn't given up on your relationship completely, which means she must be fighting her feelings for this man on some level. I wish I could talk to my husband so we could try to work through it together, but he would be much less patient and sympathetic than you are being.

I only know that in my situation, I love my husband, and I know that he is a much better person than the man from my past that I have been messaging. but this doesn't make the feelings I have for this man any less, they are very strong and I feel completely powerless and depressed, not wanting to take the messages any further and risk my marriage, yet not being able to stop them either. In the meantime the door is left half open, half shut and it's doing no-one any good. I really can't explain why I'm being so irrational, but it is nothing that my husband has done wrong and I hate to think that this will affect him and my family.

I'm sorry that this is so hard for you right now. I'm not excusing your wife's (or my own) behaviour in anyway, it's a horrible situation and I really hope you work things through. Good luck

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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:10 pm

In my original post I wrote, "I don't want to love the love of my life." I obviously meant to say lose the love of my life instead of love.

I appreciate the responses on here. Rachykate12, I appreciate your perspective and I sincerely hope you make the right choice. Don't lose sight of what's most important in your life.

I keep trying, but no matter what I say or ask my wife it seems to trigger a fight. I'm always the bad guy now. Most questions I ask are answered with an "I don't know". It's frustrating and heartbreaking. I feel like she is looking for excuses to convince herself to leave for this other person.
Last edited by Stephen on Sat Aug 11, 2018 5:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

JohnDeux
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Aug 11, 2018 1:55 am

Stephen wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:10 pm
In my original post I wrote, "I don't want to love the love of my life." I obviously meant to say lose the love of my life instead of love.
Stephen, with a nod to the proverbial Freudian slip, let's go one further with Jung and propose that "there are no coincidences...". B-)

Cuz' actually, your "mis-writing" could explain one of my own struggles in my marriage: I can say and feel that my SO is a pretty amazing person, even as she has an acerbic side. Yet my LEs had me clearly doubting how much I truly loved her. Comes along your post which brings up an interesting notion: How much do I really *WANT* to love her? In other words, what is the source of my motivation for wanting to be with her and actually love (action verb) her versus really wanting to be "in love" with her? So when you mis-type "I don't want to love the love of my life.", could there possibly be something here in terms of the amount or type of effort you *want* to expend in loving her?
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Stephen
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Sat Aug 11, 2018 5:02 am

JohnDeux, sorry mate, but there was nothing there apart from poor proofreading on my part due to the emotional distress I've been going through. I love my wife and hope we can overcome this lowest point in our relationship. I want our marriage to continue.

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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Aug 11, 2018 7:23 pm

Wow!.....Stephen....My sincere apologies. I think I was in the throes of heatstroke yesterday when I wrote that entry. For some reason in my writing that, I thought you were the one who was limerent and was not wanting to hurt your SO. This latter is the more common scenario and I must have had that lodged in my brain when I posted this entry to your thread. Again, my apologies upon properly re-reading your original post and I totally see what you meant with your correction. My bad..... #-o
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Stephen
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Sun Aug 12, 2018 12:09 am

JohnDeux, no worries.

I've been choking back my tears all day today. I look for any sign of love, affection or compassion from my wife and little to nothing comes my way. Any attempt to communicate about this seems to only upset her. Something deep in me feels all remaining hope is slipping away. We've always had such a close and loving relationship. I've always tried my best to give her everything she needs, but now I feel like there is very little she likes about me anymore. This is really bad and I'm truly scared. I just know it will be a huge regret if the past 7 years we built are thrown away over something like this. I just don't feel she see's much value in fighting for this anymore, I'm on my own in this battle. I feel she convinced herself that a life with a guy she dated over a decade ago will make her happier...

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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by L-F » Sun Aug 12, 2018 1:02 am

Stephen, I'm so sorry this is your experience. I don't have much insight to offer, sorry. I do know that my SO was in your shoes - kind of - although a completely different scenario. I was the limerent person and SO was the outsider. I disclosed to him because I knew I needed his help, support and unconditional love. So yes, I really tested, or rather, limerence really tested our relationship. However, I also knew I didn't want to be in a relationship where hiding who I was (thoughts, warts and all), became the norm, and vice versa.

In short, SO provided me the space and unconditional support so that I could work it out. For me, limerence was a struggle because it challenged my beliefs, identity, etc. It was a mental battle that I was able to overcome. The result? A stronger (though shaken) relationship with SO.

Good luck Stephen! Much strength to both of you.

The below quote is in response to JD :)
JohnDeux wrote:
Sat Aug 11, 2018 1:55 am
Stephen wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:10 pm
In my original post I wrote, "I don't want to love the love of my life." I obviously meant to say lose the love of my life instead of love.
Stephen, with a nod to the proverbial Freudian slip, let's go one further with Jung and propose that "there are no coincidences...". B-)

Cuz' actually, your "mis-writing" could explain one of my own struggles in my marriage: I can say and feel that my SO is a pretty amazing person, even as she has an acerbic side. Yet my LEs had me clearly doubting how much I truly loved her. Comes along your post which brings up an interesting notion: How much do I really *WANT* to love her? In other words, what is the source of my motivation for wanting to be with her and actually love (action verb) her versus really wanting to be "in love" with her? So when you mis-type "I don't want to love the love of my life.", could there possibly be something here in terms of the amount or type of effort you *want* to expend in loving her?
JD, I've observed the above before in various posts by different posters. However; so as to keep this contained, I've highlighted a line that refers to one very famous and much loved poster - you!

Since you've done the hard yards. I want to ask you one question. Who do you want in your life 5 years from now?

I want SO... but this want doesn't come without wanting out too. There is so much freedom to be had on one's own it's so darn romantic! Being together is hard work, I mean, the poor guy wants to live with me. That in itself is difficult given I keep him on his toes. The point I'm trying to make is, if one person is unhappy I'd imagine underneath it all, the other is too.

There is settled and there is happy. I hope you find your happy.
:ymhug:
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by David » Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:29 am

Stephen wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 12:09 am
I've been choking back my tears all day today. I look for any sign of love, affection or compassion from my wife and little to nothing comes my way. Any attempt to communicate about this seems to only upset her. Something deep in me feels all remaining hope is slipping away. We've always had such a close and loving relationship. I've always tried my best to give her everything she needs, but now I feel like there is very little she likes about me anymore. This is really bad and I'm truly scared. I just know it will be a huge regret if the past 7 years we built are thrown away over something like this. I just don't feel she see's much value in fighting for this anymore, I'm on my own in this battle. I feel she convinced herself that a life with a guy she dated over a decade ago will make her happier...
Stephen, if thats how you feel, an affair is not the answer. As others have posted here, that have gone down that route, there is massive regret and pain and hurt to many that you will never comprehend. Do the honourable thing, man up and tell her of your unhappiness. If this feels a step too far, make it a managed process with the help of a decent MC.

I put man up in italics as my belief is many relationships struggle because our upbringing and society emasculates men, especially when it comes to relationships with our wives. I ask the wives of the couples we work with if are they too beta most the time and would like their man to be more alpha. I've yet to hear a woman say no.
I've always tried my best to give her everything she needs,
Again white knight betas run around doing everything for their woman. Have you ever said no to her? Do you know how to stand strong in your own power? A great bit of relationship advice i heard for those in a new relationship was when first dating, say no to her when she wants something. If she has a temper tantrum and sulks for an extended period, time to move on. Learning to say no if we never have in a mature relationship is likely going to be a test.

What role have you played in your marriage going off the rails? How much effort do you put into the marriage? How honest is your marriage?

All the complaints I had about my own marriage and criticisms of what my wife was not doing were projections of all applied to me and what i wasn't doing either. It took me many years of deep work to untangle my mess and take responsibility for my contribution that made our marriage what it was. Me changing allowed SO to change.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

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