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Need advice

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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David
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Re: Need advice

Post by David » Thu Jul 05, 2018 6:45 am

L-F wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:02 am
You are right. All LS are f'd and no LS can have a decent relationship with others because they don't have one with themselves (whether married, in an LTR or brand new). It makes no difference at what point you become limerent. Thus your second besty relationship is doomed until the limerent can un-fuck themselves.
:-bd :-bd :-bd
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

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David
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Re: Need advice

Post by David » Thu Jul 05, 2018 6:47 am

MrSpock wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:20 am
Maybe you're right, maybe I am.
The quest to be right. I often ponder why does it matter to so many of us to have to be right and to have to have the last word. So many couples go into battle with each other over the most trivial of things to prove they are right.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

MrSpock
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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:25 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:27 am
My apologies MrSpock. I made an assumption that you don't have honest open communication.
Is OK, we humans love to jump to conclusions and land on our heads. You can google for "common logical fallacies" to see how alarmingly easy it is to think something is obviously one way, when in fact is not, and only a much much closer look would reveal it.
L-F wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:27 am
Perhaps you do.
I totally do. We are brutally honest and open with each other.
I'm often guilty of what in Spanish is called "sincericidio" [to always tell the truth at whatever cost]
I even posted here once about the time a friend couple was shocked when I was telling them (my wife included) how I felt naturally attracted to the woman in the gym, and how that doesn't mean a thing in terms of our relationship, because sexual attraction is normal and nothing to hide, as it doesn't drive my behavior.
L-F wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:27 am
I based my judgement on what it means to 'not hide anything' from SO or feeling the need to hide anything. To hide things makes me wonder if the LS can be authentic around SO. Just my view of what open honest communication means.
Right. We have different views on what it means to be honest and open. In fact, just last week my wife and I was discussing this very subject. She's basically on your camp. Most people are in fact.
But I beg to differ. In my book, to tell DW about LE/LO is a huge selfish and childish mistake, which is why I don't

For what is worth, moral judgment is far simple. While most people have a clear cut idea about what determines whether something is right or wrong, we don't all agree, and there are different "camps" or stances. Lots of in fact, as you can quickly see by looking at the different positions outlined in the wikipedia article about "ethics". My own position is known as "act utilitarianism", which basically states that "a person's act is morally right if and only if it produces the best possible results in that specific situation".

So in our very specific situation, the best result comes from not telling DW a word about this specific LE I'm slowly crawling out of.

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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:28 pm

David wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 6:47 am
MrSpock wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:20 am
Maybe you're right, maybe I am.
The quest to be right. I often ponder why does it matter to so many of us to have to be right and to have to have the last word. So many couples go into battle with each other over the most trivial of things to prove they are right.
Amen :)

After all, we all know that is better to be right than happy.

No, wait... wasn't it the other way around? :-? =))

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Re: Need advice

Post by JohnDeux » Thu Jul 05, 2018 1:39 pm

MrSpock wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:28 pm
*.... we all know that is better to be right than happy.*

No, wait... wasn't it the other way around? :-? =))
This is a phrase my father would often use to characterize my mother.

......until I realized what a complete projection it was on his part. **He** was the one who needed to be 'right' instead of happy
and it was something neither of them could really shake. But then he loved to also (semi-)jokingly say "Happiness never bought
money!....".......while pontificating on how uncynical he was in general. But yes,....getting the 'last word' sticks to me like
toilet paper on my shoe. Maybe I should switch to clogs or sandals??.....
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:50 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 1:39 pm
But yes,....getting the 'last word' sticks to me like
toilet paper on my shoe. Maybe I should switch to clogs or sandals??.....
I'll tell you if I ever find out :))

I've learned the very, very hard way how much David is right. Fighting over a triviality just to prove we were right, for almost two decades! how childish. It helps to know that the distinction between child and adult is totally made up... in reality we just continually, progressively grow, and in different fronts each at its own peace.

For example, before I got married, I never ever argued with anyone, but because I didn't give a damn what they thought. By time it did matter what someone else thought, for the very first time, it was uncharted territory every inch of the way. Fortunately, we eventually figured out that we better be happy than right. At least in principle. We still get carried away more often that not, but unlike before, we do stop when we remember how stupid it is to fight over being right.

As a side note, but to the point, since like forever until a couple of years ago, I wanted to write down a book with the believes of my church, because, oddly enough, there isn't one yet. But I desisted when I realized that my church believes X, and I do too, but the church next door believes Y, and they do to; and the one around the corner believes Z. So, what is the point in writing down X if is just something to be personally taken or discarded? After spending a lot of time reading about the so-called "theories of truth", I concluded that is quite a mess. Is not that "2+2" can be anything and not just 4, is that we can only tell in trivial, straight forward cases like Algebra. When it comes to real world, practical propositions, only God knows, and we don't because at the end of the day, we can't really prove anything (other than synthetic propositions like in math or language). So, isn't the very idea of being right or wrong a pointless quest if we just can't ever tell? we can all be "brains in a vat" (or in the matrix) for all we know, so what's the utility of the truth?

Easier said than done of course. I still want to have the last word, but it helps to know that is as futile as still wanting LO.

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Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 05, 2018 7:14 pm

.
Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

MrSpock
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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 7:33 pm

Great minds write alike?! :)

LOL, OK, now I'm just teasing you L-F, sorry. I'm pretty sure that's not how you meant that B-)

L-F
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Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 05, 2018 8:06 pm

.
Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

MrSpock
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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 8:26 pm

It's a skill I worked hard to acquire :))

But OK, I see your point. Their case can be totally different than mine.

After all, I didn't really create all of you after my own image =))

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